Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friend seriously upsets my wife

170 replies

SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice · 28/05/2020 11:47

My friend recently upset my wife by openly criticising her career choices. At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me - he often teases people this way - but she has taken it to heart and no longer wants to see him. He is aware that he upset her, and is unsure of what to do. Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

OP posts:
AriettyHomily · 28/05/2020 11:49

Erm he apologises?

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/05/2020 11:50

Apologise to her, that what he needs to do.

zscaler · 28/05/2020 11:50

He should apologise - even if he didn’t mean to upset your wife he did, which is the relevant part of this.

Your wife may then forgive him and be willing to move on, or she may have no desire to keep seeing him, in which case you will have to socialise with him on your own.

Xiaoxiong · 28/05/2020 11:51

Talk to your wife. does she want an apology? And not a bullshit non-apology apology like "I'm sorry you got upset".

And to be honest, you should stand up for her and be telling your friend he's an asshole for being rude to your wife! And if you didn't stand up for her, you need to be apologising to her too.

getdownonit · 28/05/2020 11:51

'Banter' covers a lot of shit normally.

Not sure why her career choices are any business of his

MatildaTheCat · 28/05/2020 11:51

He accepts that his ‘banter’ is actually offensive bullying? Then apologises and changes.

Up to her whether she chooses to accept the apology.

acatcalledjohn · 28/05/2020 11:51

Why is it that men cannot apologise, even when they know they have been dicks?

Banter is only banter when the receiving party finds it funny. Clearly your wife didn't.

You don't sound very supportive of your wife.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 28/05/2020 11:52

He says he is sorry and explains he didn't mean it, preferably with flowers.

UncleFoster · 28/05/2020 11:52

Was it friendly banter or was he being a knob?

He could start with apologising her

StCharlotte · 28/05/2020 11:52

Spot on.

Why do people find it so hard to apologise graciously amd admit they're in the wrong?

LightenUpSummer · 28/05/2020 11:55

Not being able to apologise is a sign of cripplingly low self esteem imo.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/05/2020 11:55

Substitute teasing with bullying.

Why do you want to see this guy again. Or is it ok as long as the “teasing” isn’t directed at you.

He sounds like someone who needs to put people down just to make himself feel good

Destroyedpeople · 28/05/2020 11:56

The thING about 'friendly banter' is that it's not friendly it's usually just plain nasty. People...usually men...use it to insult others then when the other party (usually a woman) are quite reasonably offended they can say 'hey it was just 'banter' what's wrong with you'. Thereby making out that the other person is over sensitive etc.
Perhaps if your so called 'mate' apologised to your wife and refrained from 'friendly banter' in the future you could fix this.

amusedbush · 28/05/2020 11:56

The problem with "banter" or "taking the mick" is that the so-called jokes stem from the person's true thoughts. Even if he says he was joking, his thoughts on your wife's career obviously occurred to him at some point.

He should apologise properly and graciously accept it if your wife no longer wants to see him. People who dish out "banter" and then wang on about how nobody can take a joke are awful; it's like when Peter Kay did the bit about Uncle Knobhead at the family party.

MaeDanvers · 28/05/2020 11:57

So between you you both can’t figure out that when you upset someone with a poor taste joke the right thing to do is apologise? Are you both intellectually challenged in some way?

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 28/05/2020 11:57

What the above posters have said. Your first loyalty should be to her.

Hillocrew · 28/05/2020 11:59

You need to apologise to your wife and reassure her that you'll stick up for her in future.
Your friend needs to apologise wholeheartedly that he was a knob

isabellerossignol · 28/05/2020 11:59

You need to ask Mumsnet?

I'm surprised that an adult is unaware of the concept of an apology.

Unless what you mean is how can I get my wife to accept my friend being horrible to her. Which I hope you don't.

Hillocrew · 28/05/2020 12:00

The fact that you and you friend don't know what to do is ridiculous btw.

MitziK · 28/05/2020 12:01

Find better friends. Ones that don't openly put your wife and her career choices down to keep her in her place.

Lucked · 28/05/2020 12:02

I am curious what he said.

Friendsofmine · 28/05/2020 12:04

Apologies.

It doesn't matter what he said. Does he want to repair it or not?

Friendsofmine · 28/05/2020 12:04

He apologises!

Longdistance · 28/05/2020 12:04

What’s so funny about her job?
I don’t like your friend, he sounds like a dickhead and you should have stood up to him. Whatever her job is, it’s none of his business and he needs to keep his trap shut.

Haffdonga · 28/05/2020 12:07

Friendly banter is not friendly if the recipient isn't enjoying it. I cannot imagine a situation where teasing somebody about their career choice is in any way funny or friendly unless the career choice is stand up comedian. Even then it's not kind

A. Support your dw, validate her feelings by showing you empathise with why she would be upset.
B. What did you do? Did you join in with df's witty banter humiliating your dw? If so, apologise yourself. Did you not back her up or say anything? If so, apologise yourself.
C. Tell df he was out of order. If your df doesn't understand that he needs to man up and apologise all by himself without you telling him what to do then I'd drop him as a friend. He's a twat.