Close friend seriously upsets my wife

[SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice]

My friend recently upset my wife by openly criticising her career choices. At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me - he often teases people this way - but she has taken it to heart and no longer wants to see him. He is aware that he upset her, and is unsure of what to do. Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

[browneyes77]

I think you have to know a person reasonably well before you start throwing out ‘banter’. He may have been judging how your wife would react by how you would react and assumed she’d know he was joking about.

Nothing wrong with banter, but know your audience.

A sincere and direct apology to her (not through you) is a good start.

[Rubyscute]

Ask your wife if how she wants it resolved. If she was "seriously upset" and you don't really understand why you should probably also find out why it was so upsetting.
I can't imagine how criticising somebody's career choices is banter but if you say so...Banter's usually light-hearted, isn't it? And reciprocal.

[RandomGirl]

Not sure why but I don’t feel that this post is legit.

[Insanelysilver]

He doesn’t know what to do??
There is a usual social norm called apologising he could try out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Mittens030869]

He doesn’t know what to do??
There is a usual social norm called apologising he could try out.

Exactly, 'sorry' is a word that I'm regularly teaching my DDs to say if they've upset someone. Obviously some adult (usually men it seems to me) still haven't learned that lesson.

[angelfacecuti75]

He can say sorry, for a start. He can say he was joking . He can apologise for upsetting her and realise that not everyone else has the same sense of humour as him , i.e. being blunt as fook . That sense of humour is more for the boys I'm afraid, some women are like his, but a lot of women don't take too kindly to it.

[angelfacecuti75]

Massively overgeneralising my bad ^*

[Rosebel]

I hate this sort of banter. My husbands work mates used to tease me for being a SAHM. He couldn't understand why I found it upsetting. He used to say why do you care?
I don't care but it's none of their bloody business just like your wife's career is none of his business.
Tell him to apologise properly and its up to your wife if she doesn't want to see him again. Why don't you find some decent friends? You know the type who doesn't need to put others down to feel good about themselves

[stayathomer]

ThumbWitchesAbroad of course I apologised, she's a very old very good friend, but I think she was over the top and she said it to other friends and they said to me there must have been something else. We used to have a jokey relationship and I literally made a small joke and I honestly mean that, she'd once played a prank on me with a hair dye and she's manager of a huge pharmacy now and I said 'I hope you dont give advice on hair colour after our history with it'. That was it. I couldn't believe the text asking were we not friends, why had I shown such disrespect etc. Tbh maybe we'd both changed, maybe I hadn't changed enough, maybe I'm too relaxed and there is aspergers in my family so maybe I just dont get this sort of thing, but yes it bothers me

[knittingaddict]

I see the op hasn't been back.

They must be delighted. Third time lucky. The last two didn't get past 3 posts and here we have 7 pages.

[KatherineJaneway]

They must be delighted. Third time lucky. The last two didn't get past 3 posts and here we have 7 pages.

They must have a very small life if this is how they have fun.

[LakieLady]

Was it friendly banter or was he being a knob?

It's only friendly banter when both people are up for it.

When one of them isn't, it's bullying.

OP, your friend isn't very nice. Anyone who bullied my partner would no longer be a friend (although I am chuckling at the thought of anyone bullying my partner, who is a master of the cutting response when provoked).

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@stayathomer - that really does sound like an overreaction on her part, I have to say!
Maybe she didn't like having her youthful foibles brought up again, but to say that was the end of your friendship is definitely bizarre.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I agree with Thumb. That was a subject that had already been brought into the bantz arena, declared ok, and then at some stage your friend had unilaterally changed the rules. Vair odd indeed.

[stayathomer]

It hadn't been joked about in years I suppose, so was thinking maybe it was the company we were in (although it was just the old group) and she didn't want jokes made about her not being professional or something. I don't know really!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

For me, the big difference is that you apologised as soon as you knew you had upset her, @stayathomer. The OP and their friend appear not to know that this should be the first course of action - and that is what is baffling me, and I suspect plenty of others on here.

[Mittens030869]

@stayathomer My guess would be that she was embarrassed about you bringing up her past actions. I would have been, but if it was me, I would have calmed down after your apology and would have got over it quickly. It wouldn't have been anything more than a storm in a teacup.

It isn't like the OP's situation at all, as it sounds as if his mate enjoys putting his wife down and he doesn't stand up for her.

[stayathomer]

Ah, makes sense. Thanks

[Rowan8]

OP disappeared..? Has anyone ever had a really genuine apology from a male partner or is it only women who have the ability to empathise..?

[Mittens030869]

My DH apologises when he's in the wrong! He apologises to our DDs when he knows that he's been unreasonable. Decent men know how when they're in the wrong and they say so.

My F by contrast never said the word 'sorry' but expected us to say it constantly. Hence I keep saying it even now, 22 years after his death. My DM has been apologising constantly for the abuse he did ever since we told her what he did to us. He did apologise a couple of days before his death, to my DSis, 'I'm sorry for what I put you and your sister through when you were children.'

My DM had a messed up attitude, having been abused as a child too. She always said that the offence didn't matter, it was the relationship, and it was a case of being the bigger person. So even if we had been the one wronged, we should make it up. Fine for minor grievances, but it ended up with her always being in the wrong. (I understand now how controlling he was of her.)