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Original poster

Close friend seriously upsets my wife

170 replies

SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice · 28/05/2020 11:47

My friend recently upset my wife by openly criticising her career choices. At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me - he often teases people this way - but she has taken it to heart and no longer wants to see him. He is aware that he upset her, and is unsure of what to do. Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

OP posts:
Standupthisisnotateaparty · 28/05/2020 12:11

Banter is two mates in a pub teasing each other over how drunk one was or a bad date.

He insulted your wife because he is a bit of a prick. He can apologise. Your wife gets to choose if she accepts and gives him another chance. Either way this is on your friend.

Eddielzzard · 28/05/2020 12:14

Banter dressed up as being bloody hurtful, but if you say you're hurt you 'can't take a joke'. Such bullshit. You can have a laugh without laughing at someone. He's an arsehole. How about he apologise and stop doing it?

Eckhart · 28/05/2020 12:15

If he knows he's hurt her feelings, is it not his first instinct to apologise to her? If not, why not? Has he had any other ideas about sorting this out?

thatsallineed · 28/05/2020 12:16

It is very easy for so-called 'banter' to morph into 'insult' and that's what has happened here. You need to stand up for her and tell him he needs to apologise unreservedly. And none of that "I'm sorry you feel that way" nonsense. A proper apology.

Al1Langdownthecleghole · 28/05/2020 12:16

Why do you think it OK for your mate to criticise your wife's career choices?

You need better friends.

Lynda07 · 28/05/2020 12:17

Your friend needs to speak to your wife and offer a sincere, heartfle apology, telling her he never meant to offend and will not be so insensitive in future. If he likes you and her he will do that and if she previously had no problems with him, she'll accept.

Everyone puts their foot in it sometimes but it doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship.

TheLashKingOfScotland · 28/05/2020 12:19

You might not be able to resolve it. Yy your friend can apologise but if your DW thinks he over-stepped then she doesn't need to accept his apology or agree to see him again. Support your DW in maintaining her boundaries rather than trying to brush over your friend's unacceptable behaviour.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/05/2020 12:21

Half the problem here is that he "doesn't know what to do".

Most people with any sensitivity, any at all, would KNOW that they should apologise for their crass behaviour.

And you should have stood up for your wife at the time. She's probably just as upset with you as she is with him, if you didn't. If you did, then good.

I don't blame her for not wanting to see him - and if that's his general level of conversation (ripping other people's choices up in the name of "humour") then I can see why.

pilates · 28/05/2020 12:21

I’m surprised you need to come on MN for advice when it’s glaringly obvious what needs to be done. I couldn’t be friends with someone who upset my husband.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 28/05/2020 12:22

He apologises and accepts her reaction to that.

I keep having to remind my eldest child lately that it's only a joke if both sides are laughing. If you're 'joking' or 'teasing' and it is upsetting the other person, you stop, you apologise properly, and you do not repeat the behaviour. And you accept responsibility without any of this "they need to toughen up it was a joke" bullshit.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2020 12:22

I think it really depends on what he said and how he said it.
I fucking hate the word 'banter'
It's mainly a bloke thing - a way of being vile and cruel with the excuse - 'well it's just banter'
Nope!
She's hurt.
He needs to seriously apologise and stop citicising her in future.
Why would he do that any way?
Why is your DW career choice anything for him to criticise?

Bakedbrie · 28/05/2020 12:34

Yes. She should ignore his brainless comments - sounds like he has form for it. He’s your friend, don’t force him to be her friend, sounds like she ain’t interested.

Azaziel · 28/05/2020 12:34

You need to grow a set of balls and some respect for your wife. Letting your scumbag mate rip the piss out of her until it got to the point that she refuses to be around him anymore. I think YOU own your wife an apology, aswell as him. It’s not a case of just apologising for him. She’ll still have to be around someone who thinks her job and life is a source of ridicule, and is so nasty and disrespectful that he thinks it’s acceptable to ‘tease’ her about it

Littlemeadow123 · 28/05/2020 12:36

Is it really innocent banter? Or is it the kind of 'banter' where someone says something really offensive/hurtful and then tries to excuse it by saying that they were 'just joking'?

Is this the first incident where he has made comments?

If it was just meant as a playful joke, he still needs to apologize.

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 28/05/2020 12:38

Ah classic men being arseholes and thinking the woman they love is way too sensitive. You sound like a dick too.

Abitouting · 28/05/2020 12:39

He needs to apologise.

I had this happen to me once years ago and it still stings when I recall it.

powershowerforanhour · 28/05/2020 12:40

Every time I hear the word banter I reach for my shotgun.

Thelnebriati · 28/05/2020 12:42

Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

Apparently she already tried to do that by refusing to engage with his bullshit any more and talking to you about it, but you won't accept she has the right to make that choice, and you won't back her up so no. I'm all out of ideas.

VettiyaIruken · 28/05/2020 12:44

Urgh. 'banter'. Aka being bloody rude then claiming the other person can't take a joke.

He needs to apologise to your wife. It's that simple.

DivaLasVegas · 28/05/2020 12:45

Sometimes banter crosses the line into "I am saying this in a jokey way because I will get away with it and if I am called out on it I will just say it was a joke or you have no sense of humour".

Many a true word said in jest. Not that s/he is right, but that s/he meant what they said.

fuckinghellthisshit · 28/05/2020 12:46

FFS what did you say/do at the time?

peperethecat · 28/05/2020 12:46

He's the aggressor in this situation and she is his wife. What is there to discuss?

Obviously you should support your wife.

Tell your "friend" to knock it off and apologise to your wife, or you'll be seriously reconsidering your friendship.

peperethecat · 28/05/2020 12:47

she is your* wife.

Oh for an edit button.

mumwon · 28/05/2020 12:47

"don't you have a sense of humour?"
ie cue to person addressed that you (or whoever) has the right to say what he really thinks of them or you have to take whatever humiliation they choose & you don't have the right to object.
& lets be blunt -people like this don't usually act to well when others do the same to them - its usually only allowed one way
Tact & kindness & consideration of others is a sign of maturity - this kind of teasing/banter is straightforward bullying & in this case sexist probably as well
I would be angry with him & dress him down for this at the time & in public & IF he makes an apology it needs to be public in front of you both & sincere & she has the right to decide how she feels & what she would do
Bluntly if your wife was upset - treat her with respect & consider your friendship

KatherineJaneway · 28/05/2020 12:47

At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me

I’d take a look at the incident again with fresh eyes. No one stops seeing someone completely after 'friendly banter'.
Sounds to me like you didn’t have the guts to put a halt to his criticisms of your wife.

He’s your mate but she’s your wife and I would be very hurt if I were her. He can try and apologise but it does depend on what he actually said as to whether she accepts.