Close friend seriously upsets my wife

[SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice]

My friend recently upset my wife by openly criticising her career choices. At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me - he often teases people this way - but she has taken it to heart and no longer wants to see him. He is aware that he upset her, and is unsure of what to do. Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

Mmmm. 'Banter'.

interesting that OP has not intervened at any time during this Banter

interesting that OP has not intervened at any time during this Banter

and equally interesting that he has not returned to the thread after being seemingly so keen for advice.

What is your friend’s career that he is criticising other people’s choices?

Or come back to comment on the feedback!!!

He should apologise

You may find that you are friends with a misogynistic dickheaded twat. Who does he think he is? What gives him the right to pick holes in a woman's career choices?

Please people! This man needs help. He doesn't want his status quo to change, but his wife is causing issues by having feelings. He obviously can't 'get involved' or manage his friends behaviour, emotional Labour is women's work.

Surely if your wife is upset ,and your friend was rude to her (maybe on more than one occasion Im guessing)! Then its not hard to see why she is fed up! If he apologises well and good ,if not then maybe get a new friend? Does he have a GF(Not hard to see why if he doesnt is it!) If so what is he like to her .Some men are entitled arseholes who seem to get kicks by putting someone down!

Things that are sensitive when is comes to "banter" include:

• People's children - people are protective and hear "you're a shit parent" or "your kids are little cunts"
• Family - as above
• Career/earnings - people hear you "you have less worth, you spend your time doing something unimportant or harmful and don't contribute"
• Their personal hygiene
• Religion - nuff said
• Politics - unless it is kept very light

Banter can be a unifying form of camaraderie as it presumes and exploits trust between friendly people; however it is often used as a cover to belittle and humiliate.

What was said and how would you have felt? He's principally your mate, not hers. Assuming you have a job, how would you have felt about one of your wife's friends making the same comment?
Women often feel particulary touchy on this point as many make career decisions that negatively impact their trajectory in order to raise a family, while their partner's career advances unaffected, so he gets more status, more money but gets the plus sides of having children too.

Oh yes, banter. Code for being able to say what you want and pretend it’s a joke. Jokes between close friends is one thing, but banter with people you know less well is totally different.

@Longdistance
I don’t like your friend, he sounds like a dickhead and you should have stood up to him. Whatever her job is, it’s none of his business and he needs to keep his trap shut.

This

Too many people think they have open season in the "banter" stakes without knowing much about the recipient. Hopefully a lesson for him.

Side with your wife. I am no longer with the man who didn't stand up for me when his best mates utter cow of a girl friend tried to take me apart one evening. No idea why, it came out of no where.

I stayed very polite in the face of having various aspects of my personality and my degree picked apart but didn't feel very supported. Ex-BF never said or did anything afterwards and it was the start of the end tbh. Nice guy but it was a real minus point.

" Just teasing, can't women take a joke" is the common defence of their misogyny by male chauvinist pigs. No wonder your wife doesn't want to see him again. You should back up her decision.

Now the creepy loser is trying to re-ingratiate himself with you; stop trying to rescue him and put your wife first.

And surprise surprise, the OP has not returned.

There’s been quite a few none returning OPs, lately. Yet everyone will respond for the next 20 pages.

Can two grown men really not comprehend that upsetting someone with your words is easily resolved by a sincere apology? Honestly OP, you can't work out how to solve this?

'Banter' . The perennial excuse of dickheads.

Interesting that apologising doesn't seem to have occurred to him - or you.

How could it ever have sounded like "friendly banter" to you?

He's a nasty bully-why do you want to be friends with him?

How is criticising career choices (do you mean being a SAHM) friendly banter? It's not just your friend who is off the mark here OP, you come off as being a prat as well if you can't tell the difference. Respect your wife's decision would be the way to fix it IMO.

why hasn't op come back?

@SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice

clearly seeking but not liking what he's finding.

Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

Your wife has resolved the issue by making it plain she no longer wants to see him.

You therefore do nothing. It’s very simple.

OP has form for starting threads, then not returning.

There are a lot of those threads about at the moment SpongeBob.

Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue

I wonder if What you are really asking is now do I get my wife to forget all about this and move on.
I wonder whether this a long line of ‘banter’ from your friend and she’s stuck up for herself. You want her to be the good little wife and shut up with no harm done to your friendship and you Don’t have to do anything.
If you’re interested in your wife you would’ve asked him to stop interested in his friendship