Close friend seriously upsets my wife

[SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice]

My friend recently upset my wife by openly criticising her career choices. At the time it seemed more a matter of friendly banter to me - he often teases people this way - but she has taken it to heart and no longer wants to see him. He is aware that he upset her, and is unsure of what to do. Has anyone any ideas on how to resolve such an issue?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@SeekingandGivingGoodAdvice - I agree with the other posters on here - your friend needs to apologise, and needs to learn that his 'banter' may be fun for him but can be hurtful for others.

He also needs to learn that, when you hurt someone (even accidentally) the best first course of action is to apologise. Frankly, this shouldn't need spelling out to anyone, but sadly it does in this case.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

Your friend sounds like an arse , why would he think its appropriate to mock your wifes career choice? That isnt banter its just bloody rude, and you suggesting it was friendly banter is bizarre.

[FlaskMaster]

What the fuck made your friend think it'd be ok to piss on her career choices? What a dick. How does your wife want it resolving? Is she asking you to ditch the friend?

[BrassyLocks]

Maybe she over-reacted, maybe he was an arsehole. Either way, let him just apologise and be more careful whom he teases in future. Some people enjoy banter, others get offended by it. I like to tease my friends and they tease me right back, but your DW clearly doesn't consider your friend to be within that circle or doesn't enjoy that type of joking. I'd be interested to know what he does for a living? Does he have some high powered job? If so, then it might have felt condescending.

[HesterShaw1]

God, this reminds me so much of my ex husband. Could never apologise to me, it was always my issue for "taking things the wrong way". And if I was upset by something someone said, he was so anxious about offending them, he would never stick up for me. Ever. He was far more worried about other people's potential feelings than mind.

This is one reason why he is an ex husband.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

And the apology should be sincere, not just perfunctory lip service.

Above all, he should avoid like the plague the phrase "I am sorry you were offended" - which puts all the blame on her for 'being offended' and utterly avoids him admitting that he was offensive.

I would suggest:

"I know that I offended and upset you when I criticised your career choice. I overstepped the mark, and I am truly sorry for upsetting you. "

[saraclara]

"I'm sorry (wife's name). I was a total arse the other day. Sometimes I cross a line when I'm trying to be funny, which I need to learn not to do. I was totally out of line to use your line of work in that way. I hope you can forgive me, but I also understand that I hurt you and that you might find that unforgiveable"

[matchboxtwentyunwell]

I have found that the large majority of the time, men say it was 'just banter' to try to excuse shitty behaviour.

What does your wife require to make this ok? Understanding, it may not be possible. Especially, 'I'm sorry, but...' because that's not an apology.

[MulticolourMophead]

I've been on the end of a twat like this. You know he has form for "banter" and I bet no one is happy at any remarks addressed to them. It's clearly an excuse for making digs at people.

And OP, this time your friend has hurt your wife. She needs a proper apology, not of the "I'm sorry, but..." crap that isn't an apology.

And then she decides how she wants to go on. She may accept and still not see him in future. Her choice.

OP, you also saw it as banter when your friend first spoke those words. So you need to understand what really happened here.

Because make no mistake, the fact that you didn't defend your wife from these nasty digs, and you haven't apologised to her for your part, means she is now going to see you differently. She's going to have doubts about what you really think about her now, wondering if you actually agreed with your friend.

Your friend needs to apologise sincerely for hurting her.
You need to apologise for not being on her side.

[DrinkReprehensibly]

Get him to apologise unless her career choice is joining an MLM, in which case he's bang on and she's upset because she knows he's right. Even so, there are better ways of helping someone exit an MLM cult than shaming them out of it.

If it's not MLM, he just needs to apologise to her surely?

[acatcalledjohn]

And surprise surprise, the OP has not returned.

[MitziK]

Bet it was something like

'Teachers just sit on their arses all day, only ever work until 3pm, have massive holidays and then cry that they're being expected to work/those that can do, those that can't teach'

'Nurses just wipe arses and flirt with patients'

'Anybody who opts for working with vulnerable people/doing legal aid work/works for the council/support services is just a penpusher with no ability or ambition'.

'That's not a proper job'

• etc, etc.
  

What exactly did he say? Word for word. And your wife's job?

We'll be able to let you know whether it was 'just banter' or not.

It won't be

[Shoxfordian]

He needs to apologise, obviously

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

He needs to apologise - isnt this obvious????

It doesnt matter if he was joking, it hurt her feelings and any decent person would say sorry if it wasnt intentional. I'm not sure why this is so complex for you?- its OBVIOUS what needs to happen here.

Also, I have to say that people who make mean comments but always end with "i'm just kidding!" are often arseholes who use humour as a way of denigrating people but think the "just kidding!" bit is a get out clause to be free of blame. It isnt. People need to own their behaviour and apologise if they have hurt someone- thats just basic human decency. If he cant do this then what does that indicate about him?

[Beautiful3]

Your friend needs to apologise and stop making banter with her.

[Quartz2208]

Personally I would be grateful she isnt angry at you for passing it off as friendly banter.

YOu may have the type of relationship with him that allows for that and you are both happy - she does not. He (and a little bit you for not supporting her) crossed a line and went into something personal that has upset her.

What you both did to do first is accept what he did was wrong and give a proper heartfelt apology

[Mawi]

My DH's friend is like this. He thinks he can say what he likes and when I (often) disagree with him I am either over sensitive, have no sense of humour or a feminist (he thinks this is an insult). The last time he took his banter too far and I have barred him from my home. DH can go see him in his home or pub etc if he likes but he is not allowed in my home.

You know what DH has seen him approx. twice a year since, they will stop to speak when they meet each other on the street. He eventually 3 years later apologised. I said thank you for the apology, I will be polite to him when I meet him but he ruined a very old friendship.

Hope his banter was worth it!

[Aquamarine1029]

he often teases people this way

You mean he's often a bullying arsehole. I know the type well. Insecure, pathetic knobs who feel superior when they make others feel shit. He hasn't apologised because he's not sorry for upsetting your wife, and you say there like a dolt and let him get away with it. Your poor wife.

[MashedSpud]

Find better friends. Ones that aren’t rude to your wife and disguise it as banter.

Or get a backbone and tell him it’s not on and demand he apologises to your wife, flowers included.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

You mean he's often a bullying arsehole. I know the type well. Insecure, pathetic knobs who feel superior when they make others feel shit

Yup- yet have you noticed that when you make jokes at THEIR expense, suddenly it stops being funny! Odd isnt it that they enjoy that kind of humour only when it isnt directed at them! As soon as the tables are turned they dont like it.

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

Sounds like you're after suggestions of how to get your wife to back down rather than your 'friend' to apologise.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Not what you wanted to hear OP/

[Homescar]

Is he particularly thick? How difficult a mental leap is it for him to recognise that he hurt someone, intentionally or not, and that the logical next step is to apologise sincerely?

[Happynow001]

Talk to your wife. does she want an apology? And not a bullshit non-apology apology like "I'm sorry you got upset".
This ^^
^^

And to be honest, you should stand up for her and be telling your friend he's an asshole for being rude to your wife! And if you didn't stand up for her, you need to be apologising to her too.^
And absolutely this!^ And pretty much everything the other posters have said.


Not being able to apologise is a sign of cripplingly low self esteem imo.
Or, possibly, low emotional intelligence?

Honestly OP!!!

[UncleFoster]

Banter is normally just code for putting others down to make yourself feel superior.

Men whos sense of humour is just relentless criticism of others.