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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
MyChemicalRomancee · 27/05/2020 23:42

Was it your 7th Birthday you were celebrating?

Osirus · 27/05/2020 23:44

Look OP, it’s the NORM for the vast majority of people when in a couple they buy a present jointly. I’ve never known it done your way. It’s really odd.

Your “SIL” is probably of the same view of most of us, and assumes that the present from your brother was joint.

I don’t even give headspace to my in-laws’ birthdays. My DH does it all; I just stick my name on the card. I have no opinion on what he buys them. He’s the same with my family.

You need to get over this as you’re going to meet many more people more like your SIL than yourself. Your brother clearly doesn’t share your family tradition, or he might have convinced his reluctant OH to buy you a separate gift.

manitobajane · 27/05/2020 23:46

I always buy something separately for people as then it’s a personal gift from me, I like being thoughtful. As I said I was obviously just brought up differently.

Has she already got some judgy pants like yours? Maybe that's an idea for a future gift. Or not.

Mucky1 · 27/05/2020 23:50

Do your sis in laws who live half way around the worlds husbands buy you a present though 🤣🤣

GabrielleChanel · 28/05/2020 00:00

Hello op
I can see where you're coming from: (though I give as a couple and would have expected brother to have written Sils name)

I was brought up to be "thoughtful" too
But
I have recently realised that actually if we are really thinking about the person it's about what they want, not how we want to feel about how great we are remembering their birthday.
I used to love this dopamine hit "OMG am so pleased I got a brilliant card and a beach towel for my friend who loves owls, she js gonna love it"
Actually it's an extreme form of people pleasing and you may want to look into this.
I am
Much better off emotionally and financially since I read
More widely about this

heartsonacake · 28/05/2020 00:17

This is ridiculous. If you’re a couple you give cards and presents jointly.

You have to know your family “traditions” are not normal by now, OP.

PhoenixIsFlying · 28/05/2020 00:33

Your SIL is neither rude or thoughtless. I think making sure children in the family get a card is important but surely adults have better things to worry about. Most of the time I send my brothers a card but sometimes I forget and vice versa. No one gets upset. I will send a text to say sorry I forgot and they don’t mind. I will occasionally send a gift not on a birthday but because I have thought they will love that. I think that means more. All this card and gift buying just sounds exhausting.

Teana89 · 28/05/2020 00:35

So what did your SIL's partners send you for your birthday?

Indigochi · 28/05/2020 01:35

You sound like a brat

SandyY2K · 28/05/2020 01:46

I think she probably believes that she's given you a gift and it's your brother who hasn't put her name on the card and gift.

Na...if she thought this did would have put some money towards it. Maybe she just doesn't want to get into cards and gifts.

How long have they been together?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 28/05/2020 02:04

I never send cards. Waste of money and wasteful AF. People will have to deal with being offended I'm afraid. Oh and YABVU

1300cakes · 28/05/2020 02:04

This is too funny. I'm afraid you over-egged the pudding when you claimed your husband buys completely seperate presents and cards for your brother and parents... because he doesn't want the card he writes in to be inaccurate if, for example, it said happy birthday mum.

I assume what really happened is that you didn't receive a gift or card from your brother, and due to our sexist society, immediately blamed his gf. As soon as your started the thread on here, you realised - shit, it was bro's fault, I didn't even think of that. But wanting to save face concocted a weird story about how you've never heard of a joint present from a couple before.

KingSheathBelle · 28/05/2020 02:08

I have never sent ILs birthday cards, or received them , but I like them all and vice versa.

It is just a card, stop bothering and making mountains out of molehills.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 28/05/2020 02:09

OP you still haven't said if your brother got you a card?

As we've established that it's NORMAL for cards and presents to be given in couples (and TBH I'm not buying that all your friends and family buy as individuals not in couples) surely it wouldn't be much of a stretch to think that your brother's girlfriend assumes he was sorting his own sister's card out?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 28/05/2020 02:10

Inassume what really happened is that you didn't receive a gift or card from your brother, and due to our sexist society, immediately blamed his gf. As soon as your started the thread on here, you realised - shit, it was bro's fault, I didn't even think of that. But wanting to save face concocted a weird story about how you've never heard of a joint present from a couple before.

I completely agree. The amount of people who think it's a woman's responsibility to sort her Male OH's relative's birthday presents and cards is alarming

1300cakes · 28/05/2020 02:12

There was a thread on here a while ago in which the op was angry because "SIL [OPs brothers wife] never buys gifts for my children". It was about 6 pages in before someone wondered why the brother, the actual uncle, wasn't being blamed. OP hadn't even considered that he had any responsibility. She just thought no gifts received from that household = the women's fault.

Josephinah · 28/05/2020 02:14

Hmmm. You really don’t realise your traditions are the odd ones out compared to most?

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2020 02:33

So for everyone saying it’s unreasonable... If someone brought you a present or card you wouldn’t do the same for them?

Well no, i’d think it very nice but that doesn’t me I can take on the time and energy to do it back. Sorry, life is busy.

SionnachGlic · 28/05/2020 02:53

The more important yhing surely is that she is a nice person who makes your brother happy & whose company you enjoy....not a bit of paper. My SIL was cool with me for years over some similarly perceived (& imagined) slight. I have never treated her badly or been unkind...she eventually got over it. Half her family don't talk to each other over rows, that is way they go on. In ours, we always speak to each other, always have each others backs & know it...but sometimes might forget a b'day! There are more important qualities....

BadLad · 28/05/2020 03:08

No time like the present (no pun intended) to stop this madness and save yourselves and everybody a shitload of cash and a ton of stress.

S0upertrooper · 28/05/2020 06:32

I hate conditional cards and gifts. If you want to give, give but don't expect anything in return because that is rude.

P.S are you my needy SIL?

KatherineJaneway · 28/05/2020 06:50

You shouldn't send gifts and cards with the expectation of receiving the same in return.

Lostthefairytale · 28/05/2020 06:59

Oh god, it's my BIL's birthday next week. My husband has no clue what to get his own brother, are you seriously suggesting that we should have to come up with two presents? Or is it 4 because we have two kids?? Present buying for the hard to buy for men of the family is stressful enough without this madness.

WoollyMammouth · 28/05/2020 07:12

I buy mothers day and fathers day cards for my dh and he writes them out and sends them. I found out last year that he hadn't ever written my name in on my behalf - I just assumed he would do that (he did this year!).

Why would your name be in your DH’s mother’s/Father’s Day cards? They aren’t your parents. Genuinely confused by this!

The card I send my mum is signed from me because she’s my mum.

OP, sending separate presents is just weird and time consuming, I’ve never known anyone do this! We send joint household cards and presents. Your SIL clearly doesn’t do the same as you (same as most people looking at this thread).

PixieN · 28/05/2020 07:20

My brother doesn’t ‘do’ cards so I never get a birthday/Xmas card. He often forgets to get a birthday present for me too (usually gets me an Xmas present though) but may get me a big present once in a while to make up for it. She sees it as being down to him to organise and gets fed up with him when he doesn’t. I still get him and and SIL a card/present, usually just a little something. She never gets a card from my brother either!

I agree that most couples get joint cards/presents to give to family. I buy for my family and write DH’s name and DH buys for his and writes my name. We did have a weird period of time though when DH didn’t write my name on cards for his family. He was being really pedantic and if the card said ‘mum’ ‘son’ ‘sister’ on he didn’t want to write my name because his mum wasn’t technically my mum, his son wasn’t my son etc. It was really upsetting for a while and we had arguments about it as we were married and I always included him in my family cards. Maybe there’s something similar going on here, a case of different expectations? DH did come round to doing things my way, but I remember how upset I was at the time.