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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
georgialondon · 27/05/2020 22:27

She probably thinks she has sent you one via your brother. He should have put her name on the gift and card.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2020 22:28

Agree I’m curious, what did you and what did your husband buy her last birthday?

Or is there some weird gender rule in there too. Based on this statement, “My brother buys for him and he buys for my brother I honestly just thought that was normal*. Why didn’t you say my husband also buys for her?

kenandbarbie · 27/05/2020 22:28

I'd say two presents/cards per couple is very unusual! Not the norm at all. Therefore she is not being rude by not sending a separate card/present.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2020 22:32

My sister in laws live half way around the world and always send me a card or presents yet I’ve only met them a couple of times.

And do their husbands/partners send you separate cards and presents too?

This really is bizarre.

Are you sure you're not just responding to the fact it looks as though your brother didn't buy you a card/present and you just expected her to do it instead?

I mean did he really buy you a card and present?

Choice4567 · 27/05/2020 22:32

I would imagine she thought your brother wrote her name on the card as it was a special occasion

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2020 22:34

Do they live together? Cos that would make it even more weird to expect a separate card from her.

1066vegan · 27/05/2020 22:36

I buy cards and presents for my sister and sign them from both of us. DP has never bought her anything and I wouldn't expect him to, nor would she.

If you choose to buy for your SIL, that's nice but she isn't obliged to reciprocate.

I get a little something for my dsis's partner at Christmas but don't buy for his birthday and dsis does the same for my dp.

It does make life easier when adults cut down the people they buy presents for.

Boireannachlaidir · 27/05/2020 22:39

@heartsonacake did you read the OPs first sentence?

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead I agree I would find this very controlling too

OP giving gifts is not about expecting to receive them in return you should only do it if you want to and not have an obligation foisted upon the recipient by you to return the "favour". Your "thoughtfulness" in giving gifts is coming across as insincere.

DappledThings · 27/05/2020 22:40

I buy mother's day and father's day cards for my dh and he writes them out and sends them. I found out last year that he hadn't ever written my name in on my behalf

Everything about this is weird. Why are you buying cards on his behalf? Amd why would you expect to have your name in it? They aren't going to your parents. Not the same as birthday cards.

Notajogger · 27/05/2020 22:41

You've said a couple of times that you were brought up a certain way therefore consider it rude...your brother was very likely brought up in the same household, I assume - so he should know all your expectations?

And therefore be able to "warn" his gf and/or add her name to his card. Weird he didn't just add her name to the card anyway.

1066vegan · 27/05/2020 22:44

You said it was a big birthday but it was your 30th. A lot of people don't think of that as being a special birthday so it might not have registered with her.

Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 22:46

As I said I’ve obviously just been brought up differently. Including everyone I know personally, my friends and their family’s and my partners family.

When I buy gifts and cards for my mum or dad the cards will say mum / dad or brother etc so I wouldn't put my husband on these cards. He’s always just brought his own cards and presents for them which I think is normal as I do for his family.

It’s a card or small gift hardly the biggest inconvenience in anyone’s life.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 27/05/2020 22:49

Doesn't it just double the amount of tat pointlessly circulating the world? Sorry but really, all this stuff just ends up in bins and charity shops.

Whatifitallgoesright · 27/05/2020 22:50

I don't love my family any the less because I don't buy them stuff.

Isthisit22 · 27/05/2020 22:55

I absolutely don't believe this.

No one at all buys their own card and present for their parents (or brother, etc) and expects their boyfriend to buy a separate card and present for them.

Nope, not real.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2020 23:04

How on earth have you got to 30 without knowing this way of doing things is not at all normal? Confused

Nope, I'm going with my original thought and that is your brother didn't bother and your thought it was your SIL's job to do so.

BaileyBailu · 27/05/2020 23:05

Buy - bought
Bring - brought

shalligoagain · 27/05/2020 23:06

Unfortunately, I think OP saw everyone's response blaming the brother and changed her story to a 'we all buy separate pressies' one, so SIL could still be the baddie.

Poor show OP 👎🏻

Gustavo1 · 27/05/2020 23:10

A birthday card is just a greeting or a well wish. Sending more than one is crazy to me. Even my father day card I wrote to my dad from me xxx and from husband and the babes too. Sending more than one card from one household is a waste of time, money, paper, emissions from the postal service etc etc etc

clary · 27/05/2020 23:10

Op can you give some examples of the kind of things you buy SIL and your husband's mum or Dad? I'm genuinely interested. This must be costing a bomb.

It's like me buying a birthday gift for my brother's wife. I don't even know when her birthday is. And DH has to buy something too? Wow I would be so busy with all the cards and presents! I gave enough of a job to come up with ideas for my own siblings and their kids.

Isthisit22 · 27/05/2020 23:14

Can you tell us exactly what you bought your SIL last birthday and what your boyfriend bought your SIL on her last birthday?

FloraFox · 27/05/2020 23:26

So for everyone saying it’s unreasonable... If someone brought you a present or card you wouldn’t do the same for them?

I find that rude!

I think it's rude to expect other people to follow your traditions just because you've decided to dig your heels in. If she starts sending cards and gifts to you but not to people who may well be closer to her than you, that would be awkward for her. I think she's being sensible by not getting started on this now rather than creating an expectation that she might have to deal with for years.

I have a big family and I think a birthday wish on SM is enough even from my own family, let alone ILs.

Whoknowswhocares · 27/05/2020 23:30

OP, if this is all you have to worry about, you are truly blessed.

YABU and a little bit precious

alittlerespectgoesalongway · 27/05/2020 23:39

It's weird that your brother did not make the present from him from both of them. Your way of buying presents is highly unusual. No need to change it if it works for you but not OK to judge others for not doing the same as you. Your SIL has done nothing wrong.

clary · 27/05/2020 23:41

I have a smallish family actually, but even then, this tradition would see me buying birthday and Christmas gifts for six relatives and partners of mine plus 11 of DH's; and vice versa for. So 34 gifts at Christmas, and 34 gifts on birthdays through the year, coming from this house.

And that's before we factor in cousins and other more remote relatives (DH not me) plus a few friends we might buy for. Say £10 a gift (surely a low figure) that's £340+ at Christmas and the same on birthdays, plus cards, for people outside our immediate family? If it's £20 a gift we'd be shelling out £1500 a year!