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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
lurkingattheback · 28/05/2020 07:25

30 isn't a 'special birthday', it's just an adult turning another year older. Celebrate with your partner, your children, but don't expect your brothers girlfriend, to be as exited as you.

Toilenstripes · 28/05/2020 07:33

The English obsession with cards is a strange thing indeed.

LJC1234 · 28/05/2020 07:35

I feel like this might be a huge confusion on her part! I think she probably thinks she is sending you a card and a present as every couple I know do it jointly .

SomeBunnyovertheRainbow · 28/05/2020 07:41

I can see why you’d be annoyed OP if that’s the way you and your family do things. It is unusual but it’s not for everyone else to tell you it’s wrong. It’s not too much to expect a card in the circumstances but I wonder, as PPs have said, whether she doesn’t know this is how you do things. I would suggest you just don’t bother in future.

PrivateD00r · 28/05/2020 07:53

OP, I personally think it is very rude of you to expect something back, that is not why you buy cards and gifts. It is not so you can receive one back! Or maybe we were just brought up differently....? Hmm

My now dh's family used to do this, I refused to participate and so it soon stopped. I am not half glad I stuck to my guns, as over 20 years later, my life has been busy enough without adding in presents and cards for my 5 sil's and their partners :-O And their children..... Never ending really, isn't it op?

DH buys for his family, I buy for mine.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 28/05/2020 07:56

You and your DH are definitely out of step OP. You buy separate cards and presents for everyone in both families - doesn't that work out very expensive?

Did your husband send a separate card and present to your SIL too? I still think she assumes or has agreed that your brother sorts out his family and she does her own. It's possible your brother has neglected to mention your unusual family practises and is completely oblivious that she's being perceived as rude. Or, she thinks the idea of separate presents is absolutely ridiculous!

Honestly, I would buy presents for your brother and his partner, but from both you and your DH rather than separately, and accept she's not being rude or trying to slight you, she just has a perfectly normal approach to these things, which just happens to be different from yours.

itsanotherdayinparadise · 28/05/2020 08:08

Yabu.
It's not normal for a couple to buy or receive separate presents from both halves of a couple
It's not normal to expect a card as if it is your right
It's difficult to get them right now. I've not been in a supermarket for 9 weeks. Some places don't have enough stock. Even Moonpig for weeks werent delivering. Things are getting back to normal, but it's wrong to criticise someone on social media just now for failing to deliver a card of all things. Hardly essential

Biancadelrioisback · 28/05/2020 08:21

So, at Christmas you'll buy one for him and one for her, but then your DH will also buy one for him and one for her? So they get 4 gifts from your family?
And then your mum will buy one for him and one for her, so will your dad, so that's 8 gifts from immediate family?

My ILs make us a hamper with a main gift for the two of us, but a few odds and ends which are clearly for each of us, ie lippy, aftershave etc.

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2020 08:27

No one at all buys their own card and present for their parents (or brother, etc) and expects their boyfriend to buy a separate card and present for them

I’m struggling to believe anyone thinks it’s the norm.

blackandredball · 28/05/2020 08:50

I'm with the pp's who don't believe that op got a card and gift from her brother and realised the flaw in her thinking a number of posts in

AriadnesFilament · 28/05/2020 08:58

He’s always just brought his own cards and presents for them which I think is normal

It’s not. You’ve got buckets of people telling you here that it’s not. If you asked in the street, strangers would tell that it’s not.

Letseatgrandma · 28/05/2020 09:01

He’s always just brought his own cards and presents for them which I think is normal as I do for his family

It’s not normal.

HTH

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 28/05/2020 09:02

Honestly stop smugly saying “ I’ve been bought up differently” it makes you sound as if you’re the only person who has any manners because you’ve been bought up “right”. Maybe it’s this sort of superiority attitude that makes her not want to buy you a gift and add to your entitlement.

So how do you know what all your friends do in this situation? Maybe they just pander to you because you’re likely to kick off otherwise?

Pleasenodont · 28/05/2020 09:03

YABU. She’s in a partnership with your brother, he should be the one sorting your gift and card.

Pukkatea · 28/05/2020 09:12

Also, if you're really telling the truth that ALLL your friends and relatives join in with this weird gift giving scenario...

Then you might be even more like my friend who is a card-demanding pita. She buys for and insists on receiving birthday and christmas gifts from all of her individual family and friends despite being in her bloody 30s. She is the only friend I buy gifts for, the rest of us all agreed to stop about a decade ago, but we continue for her else she'll throw a hissy fit, as you're demonstrating here.

Nottherealslimshady · 28/05/2020 09:12

Couples buy joint presents. I'd find it so weird getting a present from my brother and a present from his wife. You buy separate presents for couples but from both of you.

Did your mum and dad buy you separate presents?
It seems like maybe your mum has caused this by taking a stance against wife work?

DrDreReturns · 28/05/2020 09:12

Who the fuck sends cards to their friends anymore?? Total waste of time, just send her a message saying happy birthday next time.

BarbaraofSeville · 28/05/2020 09:15

He’s always just brought his own cards and presents for them which I think is normal

The percentage of men who choose, buy and send presents to their inlaws with no involvement from their partners is likely to be virtually zero quite small and certainly far from 'normal'.

TinySleepThief · 28/05/2020 09:19

I'm another siding with those who think you made up the separate card and gift part when you realised it should have been your brother you were blaming for not receiving a card. It's utterly implausible that all your family, all your DHs family and all your friends send separate gifts and cards from each memeber of a couple. Hmm

LusciousV · 28/05/2020 09:25

OP did receive a card from her brother, it just didn't haven't his partners name on it (which I find odd).

Very strange card/gift giving etiquette OP!

Even Mother's/Father's Day cards are signed from both DH and I, regardless of whether it's for my parent or his.

LusciousV · 28/05/2020 09:25

Have, not haven't.

Quarantined · 28/05/2020 09:27

😂 what a load of bollocks. No couple sends 2 separate cards and gifts every time there's a birthday or Christmas, not even you OP 😂

I do 2 cards/presents from our family in the following cases, but it's always ONE card from my kids and ONE card from me and my husband:

'Cousin' from my kids / 'niece' from adults
Cousin / nephew
Grandparent / parent
Auntie / sister
Uncle / brother

Quarantined · 28/05/2020 09:29

YABVU. The correct thing is for your brother to have put his long-term girlfriend's name on the card he gave you. Like every fucking normal person 😂

TinySleepThief · 28/05/2020 09:32

OP did receive a card from her brother, it just didn't haven't his partners name on it

Or so she says, I suspect she has said this because she realised how foolish it was to blame her SIL for not getting a card.

If it was true she would have said she received a card from her brother in her first post and explained the whole separate card and gift situation as surely she knows that's not a normal situation. Hence why I and others suspect its made up simply so she can continue blaming the SIL.

LondonJax · 28/05/2020 09:50

I would seriously think my sister and her DH had split up if I received a card from her AND from him on my birthday!

In our family, and in the families of everyone I know, we operate like this.

SIL birthday - DH or I will buy a 'sister' card (depending whose anywhere near a card shop) and organise a gift. Card and gift comes from DH, me and our DC.

My birthday - sisters and SILs buy a card and gift. All send from their families.

I've honestly never got an individual card or gift from my BILs on either side of the family and I've never bought a gift for my SILs just from me. DH and I are family - his sisters are my sisters (in law - hence SIL!) and my sisters are his (in law). Why would we buy something individually?

But maybe that's cleared up why you've never got a card - most people don't operate like that in a relationship so she doesn't know (or doesn't support) your family traditions.