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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What relationship do you have with your cousins?

202 replies

potentiallyoutting · 27/05/2020 16:01

I feel very neutral towards my cousins - don’t want no harm to come to them but I don’t feel the family bond.

My mum was the youngest of four and the only girl. Two lots of cousins were raised away from the family - one because their dad died young and they moved back to their mums area - essentially zero contact until recently (they’re in their 30s) and the other set were raised by their mum as their parents separated (never saw them until recently - they sometimes popped to my grandparents once a year but we never had any form of a bond apart from the occasional ‘hi’).

A couple of the cousins have hurt me and to be honest we’re all such different people with different values.

I’ve been asked quite a few favours off a few (money/do errands/use my house as storage/babysitting/get information about other people) and I just feel like I wouldn’t be bothered if I never saw them again - I’d be more inclined to lend money to a friend than someone that I just share a bit of blood and grandparents with.

Anyone else feel a bit ‘meh’(we all live in the same area so it’s hard to avoid them and maybe just include them on the Christmas card list).

I get invited to christenings/weddings/BBQ and I feel like I need a decent excuse not just ‘I don’t want to be your friend pretend I don’t exist’.

Is there end in sight - anyone palmed them off enough that it’s just pleasantries if you bump into them?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 27/05/2020 21:41

I don't see mine often as they live far away, once or twice a year, but I really love them and feel a close family bond. We communicate quite a lot on Whatsapp and have a real connection.

lovepickledlimes · 27/05/2020 21:46

I had quite a close relationship growing up. Especially with my eldest cousin as she was the closest thing to a big sister I had. We were thick as thieves when together and at certain points it was easier for her to get me to do stuff then my mum. Also my cousin a year younger then me used to be close. I used to spend over half my summer at my aunts place and we went to summer school and play together. I would like to think the feeling was mutual. Of course as we got older our lives are at diffestages between the 5 of us so don't hang out (they are in a different country too) so we just message each other once in a while etc. Still if anyone of us needed help we would be there as soon as we could and provide any support needed

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 27/05/2020 21:50

None. One actually works for the same company as me, but in a different building, so we must have crossed paths at conferences and things. There was no falling out, we just stopped seeing one another when our parents socialised without kids as we grew up. I’m not on FB, so not friends with them on social media.

Juanmorebeer · 27/05/2020 21:53

Zero relationship. Doubt I'd recognise them instantly if I saw them in the street.

BlueJava · 27/05/2020 21:56

None, I dont even know them all!

SpillTheTeaa · 27/05/2020 22:00

When I was younger some of us were close but now I'd rather not know some of them! My auntie can go fuck herself aswell the two faced slimey bitch Grin

EveryYouEveryMe · 27/05/2020 22:02

None. We were great friends growing up but now we’re polar opposites and I just can’t stand the jealous, sniping, judgemental bitchiness.

I have better ways to spend my energy.

I choose my family.

SlipperyLizard · 27/05/2020 22:04

I have loads on my dad’s side (Irish) who I’ve never met, due to my parents’ divorce. Am friends with some on Facebook but doubt we’ll ever meet.

My mum stopped speaking to her siblings years ago, and we were never that close to our cousins.

So I’ve got no relationship with any of them. I’m jealous of DH sometimes, he doesn’t see his cousins often but when he does it is like rekindling an old friendship.

CountFosco · 27/05/2020 22:08

I only have 2 cousins. They grew up a few miles from us and we went to school together. We have a close relationship, as close as my relationship with my sibling. I actually see one more than I see my sibling (we live closer to each other than to the rest of the family, my sibling and my other cousin live very close to each other and see each other every week) and I think our kids have a closer relationship with their second cousins than their first cousins purely because of distance.

GoodbyeRosie · 27/05/2020 22:15

Three cousins, have absolutely no relationship with them. Also have no relationship with my Auntie and Uncle.

No big dramatic reason, I just don't think we were ever bothered about each other. Basically stopped seeing each other when I became an adult and didn't have to go and visit them.

Upherefordancing · 27/05/2020 22:17

I have three cousins who all live in Australia so I only see them once every few years (one woman and two men).

However they are lovely people who I share similar values with and we get on like a house on fire when we meet. I also enjoy long chats on the phone with my female cousin a few times a year.

CurlsandCurves · 27/05/2020 22:35

I’m the eldest of a lot of cousins. It’s weird because we have an older group and a younger group, my youngest 2 cousins are around the same age as my own children.

But as much as we all live far apart we are close. Us older ones are definitely close. The younger ones are closer to their second cousins (eg my kids) because they’re closer in age.

As a family we are scattered across the country but we are very close. Pre lockdown we get together at least once a year. If not for Christmas then there’s usually a big birthday to celebrate. Now, WhatsApp and Zoom is keeping us together.

Greydove28 · 27/05/2020 22:41

They moved away and never see them. Just get an xmas card

SoMuchToBits · 27/05/2020 22:47

I have one 1st cousin, he is 3 years younger than me, so close in age. We have never lived close though, he has always been in Kent, I grew up in mostly Berkshire, moved around, now in Suffolk.

We are now in touch via FB, and I sometimes visit his area, and make sure I get in touch then and meet up. We get on well when we meet, but I feel if I didn't make the effort we wouldn't remain in touch. I have 2 sisters, they are probably less in touch with him than I am (but both friends with him on FB, but he doesn't use it much).

Snufkins · 27/05/2020 23:01

One side - parents divorced so I haven’t seen the two of them for 20+ years, but never saw them before that anyway and have no idea what they look like.

Other side - grew up together, sleepovers, holidays etc. I was very close with one of them however we fell out quite a few years ago which then involved both sides of the family. Now we have no contact with them and have only seen them at funerals. It’s a shame how things worked out, but the negatives of knowing them now would outweigh the positives.

Cherrysoup · 27/05/2020 23:12

One lot, I helped an awful lot like stayed with my aunt, took the children to school, babysat etc. They’re almost my own dc! We’re close, although don’t actually talk loads. If I go home (I’m 5 hours away) we all see each other and we’ll spend most of the time together. We go on holiday together.

Another lot, same side of the family, live nowhere near, never really spent time with them. Yet another lot, same set of siblings from my mum’s side, I haven’t even met.

My dad’s lot, I saw for the first time in many years at his funeral, although one didn’t bother coming, despite living within 30 minutes. He also doesn’t bother with his mum, having moved from one end of the country to another to be near her. Weird.

I think it all depends if you grew up together or had lots to do with each other.

kazza446 · 27/05/2020 23:22

I hardly know my cousins on my dads side, but I’m extremely close to my cousins on my mums side. My mum was one of 8 so there’s quite a lot of us. My children are also close with my cousins children too. We meet up every Christmas Day in the morning and see each other for key events. Over lockdown we’ve been holding zoom quiz nights and bingo weekly. A few of them are like my best friends.

Serin · 27/05/2020 23:34

I have 27 first cousins.
I keep in contact with them all on FB and see them all at family events.
I grew up with 4 of them living next door and they are more like siblings really.
We are a mixed bunch, some rich, some poor, a couple of professors! Which is clearly where I get my brains from Grin. A lot of health care professionals and quite a few chefs (always handy for a buffet).
I love em all.

Marellaspirit · 27/05/2020 23:34

Depends on which side of the family we're talking about. Mum's side, we are scattered all around the country, are aware of what each other are up to via social media and meet up at least once a year at Christmas at my grandparents house, though quite often throughout the year for parties/christenings/weddings etc. When we do get together we get on well and have a laugh together.

Dad's side nearly all live within a 5 mile radius and I have nothing to do with any of them. Before my nanna died I'd sometimes see them when I was visiting her but we were never close. Since my dad was diagnosed with a degenerative neurological condition 4 years ago not one member of the family (aunts, uncles or cousins) have been near though always claim that they'll do anything for him. I would cross the road to avoid them.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 28/05/2020 07:46

They all live quite far away. I was closest to one, but have drifted just through never seeing each other and our common relatives ie her mum/ our gran dead now.

I get a Christmas card and the odd Facebook like from 2 others.

Haven't seen the others in years.

TruJay · 28/05/2020 07:50

No relationship at all, uncle’s wife is a bitch and so there’s been no contact. Other cousins in Aus, have only had recent contact on FB.

TruJay · 28/05/2020 07:52

Although, we’re (dh and I) doing things differently I’ve always wanted a big family so our kids will see their cousins

Saturdaysnotforexercise · 28/05/2020 08:15

A number overseas, we don’t keep in touch now we are all off raising families of our own and having careers. No falling out or anything, just not in each other’s worlds anymore. Slightly hurt by one or two blanking me at a funeral a few years ago but they were civil later and I think just didn’t want to approach me (it was my father’s funeral, I could actually have done with the support but I’m probably overthinking it all). One on the other side of the family lives about an hour or so from me and it’s great when we catch up but that seems to be only every other year, with infrequent messaging as well. They run their own business and have 3 kids so I can quite understand they don’t have any spare time / if they do they would want to see friends in their immediate circle.

AlphaJura · 28/05/2020 08:27

My dad was one of 11. Most of them have stayed in the same area/town. I've got over 20 cousins and see most of them at family events a couple of times a year. We used to see each other at our grandparents regularly when we were little. I get on with them all, a few I'm quite close to, were more like brothers and sisters real and treat each other as friends and hang out with each other and with our kids and arrange to meet up. Some, I'm not so close to, but we still speak. It was nice for me as a child as I was an only child until I was 14, so it was nice to have more family.

My mum is adopted and one of 3, only one of her brothers has kids but they don't get on and don't live in the area, I haven't seen them for years and aren't in contact.

blackandredball · 28/05/2020 09:02

I don't have many and once we'd grown up and it was no longer mandatory to see them we drifted however now in our middle age (and through the power of Facebook) I'm much closer to some of them. One cousin and his wife are now our drinking buddies and we've got to know some of their friends. Another set I don't meet up with but enjoy bumping into them and we keep in touch with news via fb/messenger. We all share old family photos that we dig up.

I really value the friendships I have with them especially as our parents are all now elderly, and we've lost some.