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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What relationship do you have with your cousins?

202 replies

potentiallyoutting · 27/05/2020 16:01

I feel very neutral towards my cousins - don’t want no harm to come to them but I don’t feel the family bond.

My mum was the youngest of four and the only girl. Two lots of cousins were raised away from the family - one because their dad died young and they moved back to their mums area - essentially zero contact until recently (they’re in their 30s) and the other set were raised by their mum as their parents separated (never saw them until recently - they sometimes popped to my grandparents once a year but we never had any form of a bond apart from the occasional ‘hi’).

A couple of the cousins have hurt me and to be honest we’re all such different people with different values.

I’ve been asked quite a few favours off a few (money/do errands/use my house as storage/babysitting/get information about other people) and I just feel like I wouldn’t be bothered if I never saw them again - I’d be more inclined to lend money to a friend than someone that I just share a bit of blood and grandparents with.

Anyone else feel a bit ‘meh’(we all live in the same area so it’s hard to avoid them and maybe just include them on the Christmas card list).

I get invited to christenings/weddings/BBQ and I feel like I need a decent excuse not just ‘I don’t want to be your friend pretend I don’t exist’.

Is there end in sight - anyone palmed them off enough that it’s just pleasantries if you bump into them?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 27/05/2020 16:55

None. Don't think I would even know them if we walked past each other in the street.

planningaheadtoday · 27/05/2020 16:56

Relationships with family were always promoted growing up. As a result I'm connected with all my cousins on SM. I see them about once a year as we try to make time to meet up.

My father still visits his cousins and they are in their 80's now. My mother too, still goes on holiday with her cousin. They had lunch together just before lockdown.

My sister is Godmother to our youngest cousin. We are all close despite being 100's of miles apart.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2020 16:57

Very close, but we are a small family and I have only 5 cousins. My mum and her sister were pregnant at the same time, me and one cousin were born only days apart and we lived a 10 minute walk from each other growing up. My mum and my aunt used to help each other with childcare when we were kids so we were always in and out each other's houses.

ilovepuggies · 27/05/2020 16:58

I’ve only got one first cousin. She seems really lovely but we moved around a lot and we never lived near her so I didn’t get the chance to get to know her.
I make a lot more effort for my children to get to know their one cousin partly because I get in well with my sister in law and I like to offer her support since my brother and her split up.
I hope my children will be in their cousins life when they are older but again we don’t live very close together.

Sewingbea · 27/05/2020 16:58

Rarely see most of them, they live too far away. Get on ok at family weddings and, sadly now, funerals. Too busy managing my own family, job, etc to have time for (geographically) distant relatives. If we'd seen more if each other as children perhaps it would be different now.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2020 16:58

I'd say now we are all adults and have our own jobs and families we obviously don't see each other as much but we try and get together every couple of months.

Spillinteas · 27/05/2020 16:58

I’m like this with my brother Grin

If it’s not there it isn’t there.

littlealexhorne · 27/05/2020 16:58

Sadly none, they've all always lived really far away so we were lucky if they came to visit once a year when I was growing up, meaning I just never got to know them. I think its particularly sad for me as I'm an only child too, so I never really had any family around who were my own age. This is completely different to my Dad, he has loads of cousins and grew up spending lots of time around them as they all lived nearby, and they still have good relationships now - I really wish I'd had something like this too.

Milicentbystander72 · 27/05/2020 17:00

Zero relationship with my one and only first cousin (except exchanging nods at a family event). He's incredibly hard to talk to and we're completely different people.

Weirdly, my mum and her own cousin are so close they're like sisters. As a result I'm much closer to her children than my own cousin. I'm not sure what that makes them? Second cousins?

My own children (dd 15 and ds 13) are very close to my sisters children (all grown-up girls) but barely see my BIL's children.

Erictheavocado · 27/05/2020 17:01

On my mum's side I have two, quite a bit younger than me. Don't see them often, but when we get together we get on really well. On my dad's side I have loads - around 25 in my general, plus they all have children and there are a few, like us who also have grandchildren, so probably getting on for 100 altogether. However, apart from a couple, I wouldn't know any of them. I've never met most of them and those I have met it was way back when we were all children, so over 50 years ago now. I always feel slightly envious of friends who are close to their cousins, but we never lived close to any of mine and the family was so fragmented even then.

MrsHandles · 27/05/2020 17:05

This thread has really surprised and somewhat saddened me. I thought most families were like mine in that we’re all really close. I speak to my (many) cousins most days through WhatsApp as well as uncles and aunts. We’re currently running family Zoom quizzes every week during lockdown, just so we can see each other! We’re all scattered around the country but make sure we see each other on a regular basis Smile

movealongnothingheretogawpat · 27/05/2020 17:06

None at all , 3 family's totalling 4 cousins all older than me , my parents and I moved away from area over 40 years ago and never been back or in touch since and won't be , I wouldn't have a clue who they are even if I ever met them by chance somewhere , no problem and no regrets, no feelings either way just random people that share dna

YummiestBut · 27/05/2020 17:07

I have a lot of cousins. Most I wouldn't know if I walked past them in the street. I have two of them on FB and we see each other maybe once every 3/4 years.

SixesAndEights · 27/05/2020 17:07

Non existent, they're all racist bigots, I don't want anything to do with them.

CoolShoeshine · 27/05/2020 17:08

Lots of cousins and big age range.
Some I wouldn’t know if I passed them in the street.
Some I see very occasionally and it’s nice to speak nostalgically about our parents generation but nothing more than that.
My DH’s family are forced to stay close by their parents, many arranged meet ups throughout the year with cousins and their families including Christmas Day. I must admit I find it a chore as that’s not what my family have ever done.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2020 17:09

@MrsHandles my family are the same. We have a group chat on WhatsApp and speak most days. We all live within a 30 minute drive of each other too. I'm grateful that we are so close.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/05/2020 17:10

We spent loads of time with cousins growing up, so we were close and all got along. I’ve moved overseas and I have a lot of them and their grown kids on FB and see a few of them when I’m back (veryy rarely)

TheAdhesiveDuckDeficiency · 27/05/2020 17:11

I see them maybe 4/5 times per year now when our whole family gets together which is lovely but we aren’t particularly close.

That said, three of them grew up next door so I spent a massive amount of time with them growing up. The two that still live close to me I know I could count on in an emergency if I needed them. We just don’t have much in common socially.

Lyricallie · 27/05/2020 17:11

Hardly any relationship I only have 3 cousins and 2 live abroad. The one who is still in the UK I will go visit him and his wife and baby when I'm back in my hometown. I think I'm closer to his wife 😂

My fiance is even worse he doesn't even know his cousins names.

Mamadothehump · 27/05/2020 17:12

None. Out of 9 cousins I am Facebook friends with one but not seen her since our Grandmothers funeral 14 years ago.

MsAwesomeDragon · 27/05/2020 17:14

I see them at Christmas, at big birthdays. And I see them on Facebook. I don't really have a relationship with them though. They're all quite a lot younger than me, and we're at very different life stages. 4 of my cousins are complete strangers to me, I literally haven't seen them in over 20 years. It doesn't make any difference at all to my life.

namechangenumber2 · 27/05/2020 17:14

I'm not particularly close with my cousins - I grew up with a very close relationship to one - she is only a month older than me and she stayed at our house for many school holidays. We then drifted apart in our early 20's and barely have anything to do with each other in the last 20 years. I haven't seen her since my wedding 12 years ago.

Other cousins are much younger than me ( early 20's ) and we've become separated from their parents after my grandparents died.

I'm really hopeful my boys have a good relationship with their cousins. All close in age and get on well now ( teens). We're also very close to their parents which I think will help. My sister in law is probably one of my best friends and I hope we'll stay close for a long time

Murinae · 27/05/2020 17:14

None at all. Wouldn’t recognise them in the street and didn’t know one had died a few years ago till my sister was searching around on Facebook and saw that he had.

CMOTDibbler · 27/05/2020 17:16

None - none of them have a relationship with each other either.

My son has never met one set of his cousins, and on the other side he sees them very rarely, but there's a huge age gap so no relationship

Fink · 27/05/2020 17:17

None of them live near me, so I don't see them regularly. All parents are still alive for the moment, so we do see each other at family gatherings. I'm not sure I'd see them much if our respective parents didn't organise it. My sister is close to two of them, so they'd probably still be around. I have a feeling I'd probably just drift along without much contact with the others. I'd quite like to stay in touch with the ones who live on our ancestral farm (sounds a lot grander than it is), but more for the memories of our grandparents associated with the place than because of who they are as people. I imagine I'd look most of them up for a drink if I happened to be visiting their town (I felt slightly guilty over not contacting a second cousin once removed when we went to their city for a weekend), but wouldn't do much else.