Apparently I'm racist

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

I should have name changed but I'd like to think I'm made of tougher stuff.

I asked to be added to a WhatsApp chat advertised on MN for people with no friend.

All was well until I asked 'why' people believed they had no friends. I was very honest in my answer.

I'm mixed race (pretty much equal parts black, white and Asian) and I'm from Croydon. I now have a black DP and 2 sons with him.

In the chat I said that I believe the reason I have no friends is because of my race. I grew up around a lot of mixed race people and I was honest when I said most of them had a superiority complex. I was often told by people that looked like me that we had the best of both worlds, we were more beautiful (I definitely am not!) and that we could pick and choose what we wanted to identify as.

Anyway, these opinions have always had an affect on me. I don't agree with them at all even though I can see why they believe it's true. As I've got older I've avoided many people with a similar race to my own. I've always struggled with my own identity and although those opinions came from people when I was in my early to late teens, I'm worried about meeting those same kind of people again. I feel like whenever I have, they use me as some kind of confidant to air their views.

Anyway, I said on the chat that I think people will judge me because of the same way I judge others the same colour as me. Hence, why I have no friends. I was being honest. I know it's something I need to work on but it's hard. I'm not racist. Prejudice probably.

The chat was going so well until then. I was called a racist and I was told I was disgusting. I apologised and left the chat.

I don't know what I want from this.

I'm mixed race and tbh when you spend your life being made to feel somehow less of a human being for a happenstance of birth such as colour you tend to "big" yourself up a bit. I am also very tall for a woman and have been made to feel like the hulk by little women and a lot of men. So much so I became a virtual shut in and incredibly self conscious. Now I'm 45 have been married have had 4 amazing children, have a small select group of friends and now don't give a flying fig about what people think of me. I am and always will be an introvert and I prefer my own company Those whose opinions matter love me and the rest can whistle dixie. I sometimes say I'm amazing/smart etc but it's a joke, my friends and family know me well enough to know its very tongue in cheek. Sometimes we have to build ourselves up especially when we get put down.. That goes for anyone, man, woman, black or white, rich or poor in fact everyone at some point.
A hint on making friends don't go in with preconceived prejudices.. In computer land you don't know who's behind the screen. Keep an open mind..
Maybe join some real life clubs.. Book clubs, walking clubs.. In fact these days there is a club/group for just about any conceivable interest.
I am aware that mixed race kids have a loss of identity.. Too black to be white and too white to be black but sweetheart you need to find your own niche don't look for validation off anyone. I'm sure you are a smart beautiful woman please don't keep those ugly thoughts the world and its people have a lot to offer you just prejudice just makes your world smaller.. Sure you have to wade through some crap to find the jewels but they are out there. Good luck hunni. I wish you luck ❤️