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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I'm racist

176 replies

Charlieandthechocolatecake · 26/05/2020 23:17

I should have name changed but I'd like to think I'm made of tougher stuff.

I asked to be added to a WhatsApp chat advertised on MN for people with no friend.

All was well until I asked 'why' people believed they had no friends. I was very honest in my answer.

I'm mixed race (pretty much equal parts black, white and Asian) and I'm from Croydon. I now have a black DP and 2 sons with him.

In the chat I said that I believe the reason I have no friends is because of my race. I grew up around a lot of mixed race people and I was honest when I said most of them had a superiority complex. I was often told by people that looked like me that we had the best of both worlds, we were more beautiful (I definitely am not!) and that we could pick and choose what we wanted to identify as.

Anyway, these opinions have always had an affect on me. I don't agree with them at all even though I can see why they believe it's true. As I've got older I've avoided many people with a similar race to my own. I've always struggled with my own identity and although those opinions came from people when I was in my early to late teens, I'm worried about meeting those same kind of people again. I feel like whenever I have, they use me as some kind of confidant to air their views.

Anyway, I said on the chat that I think people will judge me because of the same way I judge others the same colour as me. Hence, why I have no friends. I was being honest. I know it's something I need to work on but it's hard. I'm not racist. Prejudice probably.

The chat was going so well until then. I was called a racist and I was told I was disgusting. I apologised and left the chat.

I don't know what I want from this.

OP posts:
Tuppenceworf · 27/05/2020 01:21

Nope, words don't bring friends neither.Grin Happy to pm if you are, didn't just offer to be polite. I wouldn't if I didn't mean it.

Mixedandproud · 27/05/2020 01:22

Hi OP,

I understand all the points you have made and don't think you are racist at all. You are just being honest and as others have said it sounds like some of the people in the group were uncomfortable with this.

I am mixed race and haven't encountered the same experiences as you because I have never made friends with other mixed race people. I grew up in a very white area. Some black people I have met have laughed at me because I am what some would call a coconut. Some white people have made vaguely racist comments in my presense because they almost don't see my colour. All because of where I grew up and my experiences. But I'm me, I can't change my colour and wouldn't want to in any way for anything. I don't need to apologise to anyone for it, they either accept it or they don't it's their choice.

Please PM me if you would like to chat. I only NC'd because I didn't want to link to other personal threads I have posted, it might be too outing. I am a genuine person and MN can confirm this.

Tuppenceworf · 27/05/2020 01:23

I've learned you don't need many friends. Just one or two who get you and you, them. If you have 3, you've hit the jackpot Grin

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:23

@RosiePoseyPanda Uni was horrible. Awful. I was judged so much based on the colour of my skin whilst other females lapped it up. You only need to go on Instagram to see why they're so fetishised. Is that even a word!? I love dancing and singing and having fun but leaving a club at uni was like walking into the lions pit. So many men assumed the worst. It was awful.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/05/2020 01:24

@RosiePoseyPanda - have you seen this before?

Eckhart · 27/05/2020 01:26

if everybody in your town was orange and somebody came along that was blue, you'd wonder what they were like? Right

Yes, absolutely. And, back to the question I asked: What's the difference between racism and prejudice?

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:28

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I had a South African friend at uni, she was white, came from a rich family.

One day she realised her 'nanny' who brought her up was eating her lunch of leftovers from the previous day on the porch whilst her family ate good food in the house (prepared by said nanny).

After that she realised how disjointed her life was. She came to the UK for uni and never spoke to her family again. I remember her telling me that she had similar experiences to me in the UK being a white woman. We lost touch but I knew she understood me.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/05/2020 01:28

Racism is only a subset of prejudice. They're not equal.
You can be prejudiced about all sorts of things - class, intelligence, hair colour (gingers, anyone?), financial status and yes, race.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2020 01:29

I think you have generalised views. I'm black and I've met people of numerous different ethnic groups.

I wouldn't ever say all mixed race people are as you described and I understand how it could offend some people.

It does seem like your experiences growing up have continued to affect you and perhaps counselling could help with that.

I actually had a mixed race therapist once and we talked about various aspects of race and its effect in later life.

It's quite complex to go into o here, but I understand some of what you're saying.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/05/2020 01:29

@Charlieandthechocolatecake - I think quite a lot of people react like that when they realise, but not enough to stop it being endemic.

Tuppenceworf · 27/05/2020 01:30

Prejudice is a blanket term. Racism is a form of prejudice.

blubellsarebells · 27/05/2020 01:30

Fetishised is a word and mixed race people experience it right from being babies especially if they have light eyes or ginger hair.
Horrible really.

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:32

@blubellsarebells I live in Kent. Love it. Wouldn't move back to London for all the money in the world. The people here are lovely. Regardless of colour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:32

@Tuppenceworf I'll PM you x

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/05/2020 01:32

So prejudice regarding skin colour would be referred to as..?

PotholeParadise · 27/05/2020 01:33

Too complex and nuanced a question for a whatsapp intro, really. Go with "I think I'm still looking for my tribe" next time.

I wouldn't call you racist, because I don't feel entitled to sling terms like that around at a mixed race woman puzzling out her own life.

In future, if you really want to try and explain it, the next iteration might be, "I think that my complex mixed race heritage has meant I don't quite fit in with people with whom I only share part of my background. That cultural gap has pushed me towards people of similar heritage, but so far I've never found anyone with shared interests and values too. Obviously, just being mixed-race together isn't enough for for long-term friendship."

alexdgr8 · 27/05/2020 01:36

it might be best not to mention Croydon at first.... esp if you no longer live there, no need.
but seriously OP, i presume your children are still young, and with a husband, do you have time for making new friends, what do you envisage doing with them.
and why mention race at all, wouldn't it be more productive to look for friends based on common interests, unless you want to debate these issues, discuss current affairs, sociology of the urban yoof...
how about an open university course or similar.

Tuppenceworf · 27/05/2020 01:40

Google: Prejudice

'preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience'.

Using this definition, OP isn't being prejudicial/prejudicious/isn't prejudiced towards mixed race people because her opinion has been formed based on her experience.

Tuppenceworf · 27/05/2020 01:41

It's a negative opinion based on her experiences. Not a preconceived one based on stereotypes.

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:41

@PotholeParadise I love that! Although if I read that from somebody else I'd think, why didn't you just say "I generally don't get on with people ofy own colour!?"

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:42

@Eckhart can I ask what race you are?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/05/2020 01:45

My question was 'what is the difference between racism and prejudice?'

Why do you need to know my race?

Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:48

@SandyY2K a black woman on the chat gave me a similar reply and I very much appreciate yours. It's always a topic of conversation and for some people, they can't handle it. I never said anything about experiencing racism. I never said anything about feeling as though I was singled out. It's purely my view. Honestly, I sometimes wish I could just be black or white so I didn't have to be left in Middle Earth! I suppose if my parents were more supportive (too busy smoking crack and prostituting) I'd be more settled in my identity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlieandthechocolatecake · 27/05/2020 01:48

@Eckhart I'm just asking, there's no need to disclose it.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 27/05/2020 01:51

OK. Do you have an answer to the question I've asked you 3 times? It's quite relevant to the issue you're wanting to discuss.