Apparently I'm racist

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

I should have name changed but I'd like to think I'm made of tougher stuff.

I asked to be added to a WhatsApp chat advertised on MN for people with no friend.

All was well until I asked 'why' people believed they had no friends. I was very honest in my answer.

I'm mixed race (pretty much equal parts black, white and Asian) and I'm from Croydon. I now have a black DP and 2 sons with him.

In the chat I said that I believe the reason I have no friends is because of my race. I grew up around a lot of mixed race people and I was honest when I said most of them had a superiority complex. I was often told by people that looked like me that we had the best of both worlds, we were more beautiful (I definitely am not!) and that we could pick and choose what we wanted to identify as.

Anyway, these opinions have always had an affect on me. I don't agree with them at all even though I can see why they believe it's true. As I've got older I've avoided many people with a similar race to my own. I've always struggled with my own identity and although those opinions came from people when I was in my early to late teens, I'm worried about meeting those same kind of people again. I feel like whenever I have, they use me as some kind of confidant to air their views.

Anyway, I said on the chat that I think people will judge me because of the same way I judge others the same colour as me. Hence, why I have no friends. I was being honest. I know it's something I need to work on but it's hard. I'm not racist. Prejudice probably.

The chat was going so well until then. I was called a racist and I was told I was disgusting. I apologised and left the chat.

I don't know what I want from this.

Charlie, I understand that you wanted opinions on this situation but perhaps it could have been done without mentioning our “virtue signalling” and “easily offended” group? It’s neither of those things, nor did anyone in it call you disgusting.

You expressed some views that others mentioned were racist and then left. This thread has made it sound as though we all came at you with pitchforks which is simply not the case.

All was well until I asked 'why' people believed they had no friends. I was very honest in my answer.

Sounds like you’re one of these people who asks questions, not because you’re interested in what other people have to say but to steer the conversation to a topic about you... I avoid people like that. This may have more to do with you not having friends.

I think it's almost impossible to not have prejudices. We all have different experiences, and are biologically predisposed to adapt. It's very very hard to avoid feeling things you are biologically predisposed to feel. We can choose how to respond to the feelings, though.

Race is never something I could be prejudiced about To be honest. I grew up in a mixed race family but I am white myself, perhaps that's why.

@FlamedToACrisp Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it

I'm quite shocked reading what you have posted here, the group in no way called you disgusting. As previously said, you made a comment and someone else picked up and didn't like how you said it, and you left on your own accord. The other person also left (not that it matters).

I've searched the whole chat and no one called you disgusting or what you said disgusting, in fact the word hasn't even been used in the chat once. I hope your okay, but I do think that what you have posted isn't a true reflection of what actually happened and you also missed out some things that you stated in the group to get the reaction that you did x

That's quite sad I'm mixed race and I'm not like that at all. I've spent most of my life feeling like a bit of a mongrel actually.

I can only imagine if this was a white woman posting this question. The grief they would get. It is racist Op as your judging people negatively based on race. However there may be more to it such as its your defence mechanism

Oh dear! Seems you've been outed. Wonder whether op will be back?!

But, using that same logic, I have never known a lot of gay people IRL, but one guy who was a friend but treated me really badly, I'm not homophobic though now because of that experience, I just recognise that he wasn't a nice person.
I'm sorry, I really feel like a lot of racists say things like this to justify racism. I'm not trying to be hurtful, but I am very surprised by some comments here.

I think the concept of a WhatsApp group for strangers who have trouble making or keeping friends is just a disaster waiting to happen!

OP I have a lot of mixed race friends from London and elsewhere and your view seems quite unusual honestly. I think maybe your introverted nature makes you prone to assumptions about people because you don’t interact with others enough.

@DeepGreen

Yes, quite. And I think many people don't want to admit they have them, which barres the way for facing up to them.

I was raised in a racist, homophobic home, and am neither racist nor homophobic myself. I can still hear echos of voices from my childhood sometimes, making prejudice statements. The voice in my head can be really unpleasant, but I point at it and laugh it until it shuts up!

But Eckhart, you are not choosing to not interact with an entire group of people like op is, she is acting on her prejudice.

I don't agree with your line of thinking about mixed race people - although I grew up in a mostly white middle class area, so I have no experience of living in a mixed area like Croydon, but I am mixed race. However, whether I agree with you or not, I think maybe you were too honest in expressing your feelings to a group of people you don't really know - they are only going from what you wrote as they have no other context for you, and you did say you judged a group of people on the colour their skin (regardless that it is the same colour as your own) so I can totally see why you were called racist though. You admit you are prejudiced, but racism is prejudice based on skin colour 🤷‍♀️ Your children are mixed race, so ask yourself how you would feel about someone judging them purely on their racial background..

waves at @Charlieandthechocolatecake

I'm from Croydon too, and proudly so! I don't have many friends either. I don't think what you said was racist, just cautious maybe based on your experiences.

I'm also from BAME background and I think there are all kinds of complexities at work when we think about our identity and those whom we relate to.

That's okay @Deep.

@Cheeeeislifenow I'm not defending anybody, or saying that what I'm doing is the same as what OP is/should be doing. Just saying I think we all carry prejudices, and make our own choices about how to deal with them.

I didn't expect so many more replies, I'll come back later to reply to you but I just wanted to say that I received a direct message from somebody on the group chat calling me disgusting. I did say in my OP that most of you were lovely.

@DarkUnicorn Thank you, I think we live in a time where people lie to themselves about everybody else when it comes to race issues. I'm an honest person. My honesty comes across as a negative. I accept that.

I’ve just re read my message, I hope it didn’t come across too harsh. Maybe this is a starting point for you to try to open up a little more & try to build relationships. I’m sorry you’ve had so much stick on here.