Apparently I'm racist

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

I should have name changed but I'd like to think I'm made of tougher stuff.

I asked to be added to a WhatsApp chat advertised on MN for people with no friend.

All was well until I asked 'why' people believed they had no friends. I was very honest in my answer.

I'm mixed race (pretty much equal parts black, white and Asian) and I'm from Croydon. I now have a black DP and 2 sons with him.

In the chat I said that I believe the reason I have no friends is because of my race. I grew up around a lot of mixed race people and I was honest when I said most of them had a superiority complex. I was often told by people that looked like me that we had the best of both worlds, we were more beautiful (I definitely am not!) and that we could pick and choose what we wanted to identify as.

Anyway, these opinions have always had an affect on me. I don't agree with them at all even though I can see why they believe it's true. As I've got older I've avoided many people with a similar race to my own. I've always struggled with my own identity and although those opinions came from people when I was in my early to late teens, I'm worried about meeting those same kind of people again. I feel like whenever I have, they use me as some kind of confidant to air their views.

Anyway, I said on the chat that I think people will judge me because of the same way I judge others the same colour as me. Hence, why I have no friends. I was being honest. I know it's something I need to work on but it's hard. I'm not racist. Prejudice probably.

The chat was going so well until then. I was called a racist and I was told I was disgusting. I apologised and left the chat.

I don't know what I want from this.

@Linning funnily enough, the person that complained was also mixed race.

That said, if you met me, you'd never know my thoughts. I'd judge you as a person. Like I said previously, I've just been unlucky.

I don't need strangers to reassure me.

Its just been a thing that holds me back.

@Nekoness It was me that asked the question in all fairness. I think some people don't realise that 'they' may be the reason the don't have friends. I wanted genuine responses. I gave my own.

@redbigbananafeet my parents are mixed race, my partner is black, my children are mixed race, my nanny who brought me up was Scottish. My cousin's and siblings are mixed race (I love them but they have the same view I mentioned earlier), their children are mixed race. I'm not racist. I'm sick of hearing I am just because I'm scared nobody will want to be friends with me because of my own experiences.

No I’m not saying you’re racist. But you said you don’t mix with people of your race. Do I was wondering who you do mix this?

@CuppaZa Thank you, it's hard, it really is. I don't fit into a particular race and I don't meet the requirements of my own.

@redbigbananafeet in all honesty, just my family. I've never been the most sociable person, I'd rather read a book. I think if I was more of an extrovert I'd come across more people that don't have that view.

How many mixed race people have you met that think they have the best of both worlds?
It might be, and probably is different in Croydon.
One of my best friends is mixed race and he definitely didn't feel like he was getting the best of both, more like the worst of both and not really fitting in anywhere, white boy in his dads family and the black kid in his mums.
So stupid and sad that race has to be relevant even in families.
I did see black girls pick on mixed race girls at school, and also people do fetishise mixed race people.
You're no better or worse than anyone else because of your race.
Id be friends with you but im a bit far from croydon.
Ive not got many friends because im obnoxious.

You seem to be differentiating racism from prejudice. How are they different?

Racial identity is so complex. People get offended by the smallest of things, I wouldn't worry about it.

Well all you need is family. But don’t hide yourself away either! X

You say " I'm not racist. Prejudice probably." to me if you are prejudice towards someone due to their race then that is racist.

I'll be your friend then. I understand what you meant although I think time and place. Some things are too "heavy" for new acquaintances, so not everyone will be objective about it. I like that you go straight into the deep end.

@blubellsarebells being an introvert I avoid homosapiens at all costs so when I say not many, I mean those I came across at school, college, Uni and the ones in m hometown. Even if they were perfectly lovely, they all felt they needed to express their 'value' to me in any form. Whether that being 'we have the best hair' or 'we can pass for anything etc. I was picked on by black girls at secondary school too in the early years. I'm not bothered by that. I just don't want to be judged because of my colour.

For what it's worth, I'm a tad obnoxious myself. It doesn't help. Its just me being honest. I no longer live in Croydon either!

Ha ha ha! Didn't expect to hit quite so near to my old stomping ground.

Seriously, though - the racism was really bad 30 odd years ago - I think the National Front graffiti was still on the metal barriers that stopped people from falling onto (or throwing things onto) the tracks at the top of the bridge until about 2004.

Not everybody, obviously, but there was a hell of a lot of it directed at the women who chose to have biracial babies - I wouldn't be surprised if the Mums felt they needed to build higher self esteem in their girls in particular so they had the resilience to not believe the shit that was hurled at them from van drivers. My SIL had grown up with it and her family were quite confrontational about it (ie, if somebody was racist towards one of them, there were 7 siblings to have to deal with) and my DN copped it in turn.

In what way is your sense of humour unusual?

I’m in my late 30s and mixed race (white British, black African and white Dutch) and can identify with what you say about never really fitting in and not feeling like you belong.

I went to school in a very white northern town and although I thankfully didn’t experience any overt racism, there were little things like people asking where I was from
“I’m from [northern town]”
“But where are you really from?”.
“I just told you”
“But where are you really from” etc etc
Also boys not being interested in me, teachers expecting less of me, my parents being really really strict as they didn’t want anyone to have any excuse to look down on me, not being able to buy products for my hair.... (it was the 90s)

At uni I joined the Afro Caribbean society and hated it. They were all cool, hip black people who grew up in London and knew how to do their hair and what slang to use and I felt like a total country bumpkin. I was so disappointed, I had this idea in my head that I’d go to uni and suddenly I’d belong and it just didn’t work like that. So I joined a club based on a hobby I have. There I met some really nice people who I felt really got me and I felt like I belonged for the first time in my life. Those people just happened to be white. As I became more confident I was able to make lots of friends without worrying too much if they were white, black, mixed or whatever.

I now have friends from all sorts of backgrounds. My work colleagues are mainly Indian immigrants (I work in healthcare), my friends from my hobby are white British and Afro Caribbean, my husbands white Scottish, my mum friends are a mixture of white, black, Asian, Chinese. I don’t think too much about colour and just hang out with people I get on with.

Sorry, that was a long post. To sum it up, try and work on improving things for you; becoming more confident, doing hobbies you enjoy and friends (of whatever colour) will follow.

@Tuppenceworf thank you. I think we live in a society where everybody needs to be perfect. I know I'm not. Far from it. I just want friends who are true to themselves and me. Friends who don't get offended by a fucking opinion.

@Eckhart if everybody in your town was orange and somebody came along that was blue, you'd wonder what they were like? Right?

@1willgetthere see above.

To be fair, OP hasn't said all mixed race people, she said the ones she knows. That's her experience and it's valid. As she also says, she's probably been unlucky with her 'sample' and seeing as she isn't a social butterfly, she hasn't exactly taken the time or had the opportunity to meet a more diverse group of mixed race people, based on their personality, character, etc.

It's a sensitive subject OP and a "brave" opinion to state to a group of people who don't really know you. There's always a risk there, it can go either way.

A @Charlieandthechocolatecake my relatives also feel they are automatically perceived by many black people as seeing themselves as ‘superior’. They are the least likely of everyone I know to feel superior to anyone else! They are shy and feel misplaced in all communities, definitely do not give off superiority vibes! I think many mixed race (particularly black and white) are stereotyped more than other races

This is just the other side of the coin, to pure milky skinned blondes.

Realistically, tanned skin, less wrinkles and lots of dark hair has always been always a good look, regardless of origin.

@MitziK that's one of the questions I hated.
Where are you from!?
South Norwood
WHERE are you from!?
My mum's this and my dad's that.
Are you easy?
I learned 'fuck off' at an early age.

@Tuppenceworf thank you, maybe if I had your way with words I would have many friends.

I don't think you're racist as such, but I do think you're using a blanket judgement or racial stereotype to judge people who are similarly mixed race to you, and that probably is holding you back.

Sounds like you have experience to back you up - but that doesn't mean that you're right about ALL people in that category. BUT I can see that, if you said you were mixed black/Asian/white, that other mixed black/Asian/white people would automatically assume that you were "one of them", and that some of them would carry the sort of feelings that you don't like.

Different but similar - I'm English in Australia and there is an assumption that I must like (and be like) other English people here, just because they're English. Nope. I like them if I like them as people, not because of their nationality.

Is this the same for you?

I worked once with a girl from South Africa - she was white Catholic (matters to the story). When she was a small child, she went to a Catholic primary school that took all comers - black, white and mixed race. She was friends with many of them, regardless of colour. But she told me that when she went to high school, there wasn't a mixed high school - they were all segregated by colour, and suddenly they weren't allowed to mix as friends either. She found this very difficult, and, as another poster has mentioned, the mixed race kids came off worst - too white to be black and too black to be white, they were the least accepted :(
She hated it all - hated not being able to be with her primary school friends, and that if she tried to see them, her white friends wouldn't have anything to do with her but neither would her erstwhile friends because of the racial tension. So she left SA and had no intention of returning. I know this is only second hand info, not live experience, but I've never forgotten what she said.

As to why you don't have many friends - well I think you explained that by saying how much of an introvert you are, and that you'd rather read or draw! But also because you are wary of being drawn into a group of people whose only common feature is your racial background, and so you're avoiding a whole group of people on that prejudicial basis, when you might actually like some of them as individuals.

Where abouts are you living now op?
Im an introvert too.
Maybe being introvert comes across as obnoxious.
I do have some very good friends but find it very hard to make and keep new good friendships, there are people i wish i could find the energy to engage with more and grow something but its alot of hard work for me.