To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

He called you a He ? What a fucking dick . I’d take nothing to do with him till he can speak to you with a bit of respect .

Your husband should be sticking up for you too .

Wow is your husband always such a pathetic piece of shit. Allowing his own father to call his wife a man and getting mad at you for being offended.

Your husband needs to be more of a man himself and defend his wife against nasty bullying.

He’s clearly scared of his father. Pathetic.

Your FIL called you a he and you DH doesn't think that's an issue??

Your FIl is a prat and so is your DH

What an arse.

I would tell him, firmly but politely, that you find his comments hurtful and offensive, to the point that if he doesn't desist, you will refrain from engaging with him.

Explain to DH that if your FIL continues to make nasty comments, he will be visiting/entertaining FIL on his own.

But he never does. I just sometimes imagine if the tables were turned and my family behaved like this with DH- I know I would defend him. But as it happens my family are lovely to DH- in fact they're nicer to him than they are to me !!!

Your FIL is a wanker. You have a DH problem.

How does dh insist you Skype? What if you dont? Just stop.

As is so often the case, you have a Husband problem.

I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

Where is your H in all of this? If a member of my family treated my DH like that I'd go fucking batshit.

I would've lost the plot when he shit the door on you after watching you struggling. What an arsehole!

Why do you feel you can't pull his father up yourself? Like when he called you "he" on the Skype call you should've have asked him to repeat it and then said "I don't find that funny at all, do not call me a man again"

He thinks he is being funny and doesn't care if you don't agree. He seems to be of the opinion that if you get upset then that's your problem and not his?
You aren't going to change people like this so it is not unreasonable to avoid them.

Your DH should be on your side and sticking up for you. Have you told him how anxious you are getting? What is his reaction.

Right stop tolerating it now, enough is enough and you’ve put up with it far too long anyway. Cut them out of your life, they are his parents you don’t need to have anything to do with them. Tell your dh that you’ve made your decision and it’s not up for discussion, and it’s partly his fault anyway for encouraging his bullying dad.

Your husband can't insist that you 'be polite' and speak to these people. Well, he can, but there's no law that you have to capitulate.

You can't control what your husband does, not should you try, but in these circumstances I'd be cutting contact with the in-laws and this would be non-negotiable. I might also reevaluate a relationship with a partner who thought that was an acceptable way to treat me.

I'm sorry, OP. This is bullying, it's not in any way acceptable and you are not being over-sensitive. I'd fully recommend you read Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws which is a great guide as to how to deal with this type of situation. FiL is a prick, a misogynist, and not a person I'd ever agree to spend time around

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that family.

The overalls I would just have bemusedly shrugged off and took it as a joke.

The “he “ thing is beyond offensive. I think it’s time to tell your husband that’s the last straw.

Start calling him a she, if he objects just shrug and say “whatever”.

So if, to him, you're a man - then he's calling his son gay. Or has that not occurred to the officious prick?

My FIL is a rude asshole too but manages to do it sneakily so dh doesn't notice. I don't know how your dh can let his df do this to you. You have to say something to your dh. It's not acceptable.

He sounds awful (and you sound lovely), perhaps he has 'little man' syndrome ?
I think he has behaved very badly & has never been challenged on this, your DH dares not but needs to understand how you feel.
Personally I would give him as good as he gets, when he's saying (fucking nasty) comments on Skype you retaliate with 'where is he, lower the screen we can't see him' or 'is he sitting down?' When he's obviously standing up, to mock his short stature.
You could also try to gloss over his rude comments by laughing and saying "that joke's getting a bit old, no new material on me, not as sharp as you used to be, is that what retirementdoes to you?'
Obviously it's going to be hard to speak up like this but once you do it will shock him and everyone to how his comments are perceived, he needs bringing down a peg or two.
Try not to let him drag you down as it's just not fair.

Please say you dont have kids already.

You're going to have to leave. These in law issues never get better if the husband wont back his wife.

If you have kids with this man, your life will be ruined.

So does your husband really not this calling a woman a man is offensive? Does he have a sister? Would he do that to her? You have a daughter? How would he feel if someone did that to her?

Does he refer to other women is had to deal with in his life/work etc as men? Does he think that's acceptable

You are clearly not over reacting

No not unreasonable at all.
I reached the same conclusion about my FIL (now exFIL) after he started arguments over nothing (difference of opinion during general dinner table debate) on two consecutive visits and created a really tense atmosphere. I was happy for him to visit but wanted notice so I could spend the duration of the visit elsewhere. It was a shame because MIL was my favourite family member but she was used to it, they'd been banned from most family members houses. So I stopped seeing them for crimes far less serious than your FIL.
Your husband is letting you down badly so if he won't support you then it seems perfectly reasonable to refuse to see his father who quite honestly sounds beyond rude. Do not allow yourself to be bullied into keeping the peace.

DH insists I be polite and say hello

What would happen if you were to say No, actually I'm not going to say hello. Your Father never bothers to be polite to me, so why the hell should I reciprocate? They are your family, not mine. I've put up with years of his so-called jokes and had to sit back whilst you've defended him and expected me to put up with it. Well it stops now. I don't want anything to do with him - and quite frankly it's your problem to deal with.

That's just rude OP, I wouldn't be happy about that either.

I'd tell him he has little man syndrome, I'd call him by a female name, and refer to him as a She, and if you ever see him struggling with bags or similar, say really loudly, 'oh she can't manage, somebody give her a hand'

But then again I'm petty

Why did you have a second date never mind marry him if you felt like he had it in for you ? I'm sad you feel so low about yourself that you accepted this.

Your dh isn't a d and doesn't get to insist anything.

Tell him to fuck of with a smile and walk away 😁 every time. If he complains tell him he's being oversensitive and indulging his womanly side too much .