To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

How old are your dc? Have they noticed how you get treated yet?

What if you start with "I'm not skyping him again he's rude twat".

Your dh isn't a d

Well, he is something that starts with the same letter.

I’d start calling him Napoleon.

“it’s lovely to see you again Napoleon.”
big squeezy ‘man’ hug

“Pass the peas Napoleon”
big ‘manly’ smile

“Can I get you something Napoleon?”
as you reach up ‘man’ fashion to the top shelf

Failing that, tell DH to FO and hand him a box of tissues as you feel too ‘manly’ for sex.

Does it make you horrible?! No! The only horrible people are them!

Just tell DH that you have gone as far as you can in "being polite" to his father, it hasn't worked. His father is getting more hurtful, and you're not going to take it any more.

DH has a choice. Either, he makes it stop, AND supports you in every way at family gatherings.

Or, you make it stop by refusing any further contact with his father. DH goes to family gatherings without you.

I would (in the short term) refuse to be on skype. Find out when the calls will be, and happen to take DC out 10 mins before so you don’t have to put up with his nonsense. In the meantime I would message FIL and MIL and state that they are offensive and rude and that until they can display manners to the mother of their grandchildren, they will not have contact with their grandchildren.
Longer term, I would LTB. He has shown you his true colours, he will not change. Every other weekend and one midweek evening/overnight is common, surely this would be better than living with a man who openly disrespects you.

What a wanker or a pair of wankers. You don't deserve this lack of respect and shouldn't put up with it, from either of them. Your FIL is a nasty little man and why would you want your DC to grow up thinking it's ok for someone else to speak to you in this way?

Don’t call him shorty, call him “little un” and use other terminology such as bitchy- terminology that is derogatory to females. He sounds like a misogynist so thy bugs like ooh your like an old woman aren’t you will piss him off as it would any woman.
Hopefully he won’t want to see you again.
Also what do you get out of this marriage? What do your a children see? Why wouldn’t you get out?

Bloody hell OP- this is NOT ok at all and you are not being over sensitive. His dad is referring to you as a man and expects you to laugh it off? Fck him. Thats deeply, deeply disrespectful and he should be standing up for you and telling his dad to show some bloody respect for the woman he wants to marry.

If your partner hasn't defended you by now I doubt he ever will. You need to seriously consider if you want to marry this person who seems absolutely fine with his family members denigrating and insulting you on a regular basis....

I am in the same boat. My MIL is really horrible to me. Constant digs, smirky responses. She doesnt even call me by my name. My DH is very poor at standing up to her but tbh, she treats everyone badly and it is just accepted within the family. I dont ever engage with her anymore. Never on calls. Never visit her. Im under pressure to go where she lives(for a Holiday) but I just say that if DH wont deal with her behaviour then I cant go. We went on holidays before and she would ring every day insulting the weather,resort, food etc. I refused to go on holiday again unless her calls were to be ignored as it was ruining the holiday. Basically just disengage as much as possible would be my advice. Its a pity because I like my FIL and BIL but she bullies away and they just say ignore her.

That must be so hard OP. I dont have personal experience of this within my home life but I've found that in the workplace with people like this you have to give as good as you get - perhaps you need to stop ignoring it and have more comebacks for him?

As the above poster mentioned though, dont stay with your husband just because you dont want to give up time with your children, a happier you is worth it. If your husband is the type of person I'm imagining him to be then he would probably be happy with EOW anyway.

and for you

oh sorry- you are married? well you need to have a serious word with him.

Also i'd start referring to his dad as a little girl seeing as he's so short and then just laugh it off and say "oh! I thought we were all joking- dont get your little girl panties in a twist FIL!"

Maybe you're right. Maybe a divorce would be the answer. But financially it's impossible atm.

Why TF are you with someone who thinks so little of you that he lets his father bully you?

Next jibe from him just roll your eyes and mutter “short man syndrome” when all hell results say what’s sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose and thinking about it, since he enjoys his little joke referring to you as “he” you’ll join in and refer to him as Tinkerbell, both to his face and behind his back to all and sundry, and in fact you think that’s much funnier.

What a cunt!
Don’t waste your time trying to be nice to him. Say your piece and cut him out. Let your DH have the pleasure of course, and take the DC on condition that they leave at the first dig at you, their mother.
He’s not your problem unless you continue enduring him.

Why do you feel it's necessary for you to tolerate such behaviour from your husband and FIL?
Do you allow everyone to behave in this way towards you or just them?
Struggling to understand why you have anything at all to do with FIL and to a lesser degree why you're still with your husband.
But like for all of us, it's your life and only you can decide what level of nastiness you're willing to put up.

This takes me back. I am 6ft 2 and FIL called me giraffe from the first time I met him, which doesn't even make sense as I have long legs and a long torso, not a long neck. He also remarked about my hands being large and constant nasty little digs. My H at the time didn't stand up for me and said it was a joke. So I started calling his dad tiny. I would walk in and tell him what the weather was like, I would insist on getting stuff down from the shelves for him. He hated it and complained and I said that I was just joining in with the joking. He then had the option of admitting they weren't jokes, acknowledging maybe he had been a dick or blowing up. Guess which option he took? My H defended his father and said I was just being nasty. Our marriage ended for another reason but it was heading there anyway.

Seeing my unhappy mother for years was far more damaging to me than any divorce could have been.

I think this man must feel very inferior to be behaving towards you in this way. But, whatever the reason, it is totally unacceptable. First, you need to sit down with your DH and tell him seriously how it makes you feel and that you are not prepared to put up with it any longer. If he is not willing to do some straight talking with your in laws then you will have to consider your options. This man is not supporting you and you have a right for your feelings to be acted upon. At the very least, I would be cutting contact with them and I wouldn't be bullied into taking part in family events. I would also reduce their access to your DC because as they grow up, the last thing you want is for them to witness your FiL's appalling behaviour towards you. Make it plain that this behaviour has consequences. I wonder what your MiL feels about all this?

This is so vile. I'd honestly start saying "hi, short arse" every time he says 'he' about you. Currently there are no consequences for his behaviour, so at least it will make it come to a head & you can get resolution. Or, if you're more polite, I'd say no contact with the children until he winds his neck in & is civil.
And get your spineless husband to grow a pair & support you. .

When he calls you a man etc you could try saying,
" I can see being such a small man affects you and that is maybe why you act like a complete prick, I also think my cocks bigger than yours"

Just wow at your husband thinking this is ok. That’s bloody awful. Two dicks from the same pod.

Clearly he's insecure about his height so he makes jokes about you being tall to make you the 'problem', if you see what I mean?

If you are already considering divorce, you'd have nothing to lose by sitting your DH down and giving him an ultimatum. Either he starts standing up for you or it's over.

He knows his DF's behaviour is wrong, as it's very obvious. He's just taking the easy route of letting you be upset to avoid conflict as he knows you're a nice person, and it's unacceptable.

You can retaliate with comments to your FIL. However that won't solve the underlying issue of your H not defending you. If the relationship is already rocky then you will continue to lose respect for your H every time he sits back and allows his father to bully you.

Sounds like you need a frank conversation with your H. And if he's not willing to stand up for you, then you need to think about whether you want to stay married to a man that will watch his father bully you and say nothing.

Is your dh short? You could call them Ant and Dec!!