To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

Life is far too short to spend any of it with people who deliberately make you feel shitty about yourself.

I completely understand you feeling unable to do anything about DH at the moment but it doesn't mean you have to tolerate any more bullshit from FIL.

Just don't engage. If they Skype, be in another room. If DH asks you to join, just say no. And if in the future you decide to stay with DH you still don't have to meet them. They are his family, not yours.

Do your family know how fil treats you and that DH does nothing. I'd be making sure they knew what a twat he was. Maybe they would stop treating him so well then.

Best piece of advice I ever got was when someone says an insulting joke aimed at you, act dumb and say you don't get it and ask them to explain it to you, then say you still don't get it and ask them to explain it again. 9 times out of 10 then get flustered and embarrassed having to explain themselves or else get angry and everyone sees how horrible they are being. They look bad and you look (relatively) innocent.

You need a major sit down with your dh about this if you haven’t done so already. If he won’t stick up for you, he has no respect for you. Personally, I would have a stand up row with your fil, give him a proper mouthful, let it all out then go non contact. You don’t have to visit, or be on Skype, I’d tell your dh he can bloody whistle! Cheeky twat.

What would being a single mum do?

Imagine NEVER having to see or speak to that pompous ass again.

Imagine not feeling so hurt because your not-DH makes excuses and tells you to get over it.

Imagine setting your own rules in your own home without running it by anyone.

Imagine living in a place full of peace and calm.

That's what being a single mum will get you.

I suggest you gather together the family finances and see a solicitor. Not to file anything, but just to get an idea of what you may be entitled to if you did decide to divorce. And also, look into the job market where you live now. And the job market closer to your own family, if moving closer to them is realistic. Just look at your options, all of them.

DH insists I be polite and say hello

If only he'd insist that his parents show the same most basic courtesy to you. (Why do his parents even want to see you anyway if they are always so rude to you? Is it just so you can be the but of their jokes?)

Are you able to insist that he shows you some support? It isn't always as easy as people think, to actually stand up to bullies (and yes, your husband is also one. He doesn't want to be kicked out of the 'cool gang' by sticking up for you. Whether because he's weak or because he's been conditioned is not known). I think you could try one more time talking to your husband and asking him if he's happy with the way his parents treat you, if he'd be happy for your daughter to be called names, have doors shut on her, be called a man, etc by her future spouse's parents. And if he says yes, it's just bantz then say ok, next time he tries to force you to Skype his parents, you will get in on the bantz and start calling his dad a female name and make many references to his tiny stature. But make it very clear that your children will not be exposed to such toxic relationships and you will not host these people at your house. He will also not take your children to their house without you as you dread to think what kind of shite they will be saying in front of the children. And as you will never give them another chance to close a door in your face and be so horribly rude to you again, your children will not be visiting them any time soon.

Your dh needs to fuck off to the far end of fuck.. Or maybe just back to his dps. As apparently we all know its OK to travel hundreds of miles to dps house...

Which nationalities are we talking about here?

Next time don't address fil, firmly and clearly so all can hear say "dh, your fil is being disrespectful again, I am leaving this conversation now as I refuse to engage any further with that oderous little prick. If you wish to resolve this please ensure that he is prepared to apologise and ensure that he corrects his behaviour going forward, otherwise I am effectively no contact with him going forward. "and then take dc and leave the Skype.

This is really terrible of your FIL and your husband. There’s one thing your husband wanting you to say hello and be polite but it’s a two way street. I wouldn’t come to gatherings with your husbands family in the future and I wouldn’t participate in skype calls. You must be quite reserved because I’ve have to say “have you forgotten your manners” as if he referred to you as an he. Your family with your husband and I would make it clear to him you do not have to be spoke to like this how would he feel if you said things like that to his dad?

Your husband is the main cause of this.

OP there is such a thing as being too nice. Bullies pick on weak people and if you don't stand up for yourself it won't stop. It's OK to get pissed off and angry and to call someone out on their behaviour, it's not being rude it's being assertive and doesn't make you a horrible person.

Mariadingbat. That is genius advice! OP that is well worth trying. Do let us know the results.

@MariaDingbat

Yes, follow that advice. Having to explain, shows how pathetic and cheap the put down is.

Oh @ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow you really shouldn't have to put up with this.

The next time a Skype call is mentioned, tell your DH you will not be joining. He can insist all he likes, but keep responding in the same way - "No. I am not prepared to engage with your father, he is disrespectful, rude and deeply unpleasant. Why do you think it is appropriate for him to treat me this way?"

I bet you'll hear the following from DH...
"Its just how he is"
"he's only joking "
"don't be so defensive "

Your response is "Really? I think he is a fucking nasty little twat"

Honestly you will be far far happier on your own away from that poisonous little toad of a FIL and a DH who doesn't pick him up for his appalling behaviour.

Do it back in shovel fulls. FIL should be referred to as she / her from now on and make sure FIL knows. All this "banter" shit is just an excuse for people like this to be shitty.

Both nationalities are European. Sorry I should have made that clear.
The skype thing is only recent -since lockdown- and it baffles me as well as to why DH would want me there- and why do they ask to see me?'No idea. They don't include me in the conversation. I think they're just keeping up the pretence that we're a normal family with a so-called normal relationship- but none of it feels normal to me.

I have brought this up with dh on numerous occasions- it always ends the same way- him angrily telling me I'm imagining things, or that's just the way he(fil) is, or he does that to everyone ( not true) etc etc Basically dh believes FIL can do no wrong.
So yes, basically gaslighting me every time.

Lots of ppl have mentioned fear on here- I think there's something in that. I think I've suggested that to dh before and he obviously denies it but just hearing the way he talks on the phone to his df compared to when he talks to his dm- it sounds very strained...

My own family are aware that there have been issues in the past with FIL- only my brilliant dsis -on meeting him for the first time -was able to spot what I was on about- she said he was horrible- and I don't even think they'd spoken to each other!
My mum on the other hand always uses the opportunity to gloat and say how perfectly charming he is to her..gee, thanks, mum!

The more I think about it the more I realise that they have always tried to exclude me from group events- I've often half jokingly said that I'm just a fucking uterus to dh and his family. The day after the birth of DS1 his sister rocked up to have photos taken of herself, her 3dc and my 2dc- I have to state that neither dh nor I were on any of the photos. She then sent the photos to PIL and said " oh it looks like I've got 5 children" which was then repeated back to me several times- what am I supposed to do with that? Is that a weird thing to say to a newly post partum mum???

Start being just as rude back. He’s a twat. Sorry to trot out the age old Mumsnet classic but you have a DH problem.

OP refuse to see your in-laws. Don’t go to their house nor allow them to visit yours. Don’t go on skype, your DH can’t make you.

I believe you will eventually divorce your weak DH, bide your time until you are financially ready. Meantime while you don’t have FIL in your life you will at least be happier.

Wow!your DH hasnt defended you when your FIL continues to act this way?

The pair of them are dickheads.

It's time to fight fire with fire.
Call your FIL midget, Napolean, oompa loompa, short stack etc etc.
Just go for it. You might enjoy it!

As I thought, your parents (mother at least) treat you badly too.

Will your sister support you?

Call your FIL midget, Napolean, oompa loompa, short stack etc etc.
Just go for it. You might enjoy it!

I can empathise because I'm a different nationality to in laws. DH also called me over sensitive. Mil and sil annoy me with lots of snide comments but I've got pretty good at ignoring them or rebutting politely - the boys (ie sil's DH, BIL, FIL) got on my side over the years and actually MIL has improved (probably as she cant really bully not cos she doesnt want to) it's very awkward if we are left alone in a room though.
There are some things that hit a nerve like MIL babysit for SIL but not me but hey ho, I've got over it.

OP, you need to LTB. What is to be gained from keeping things as they are? I understand there is fear and worry about the uncertainty for the future but I think it is the only way you will have a happy and relaxed life. You need some advice and support. For the time being, say nothing, gather details about finances and then when the lockdown is over get the the ball rolling with a solicitor.
Don’t be around for Skype calls either and do not engage with FIL or even DH if it feels like you are being “got at” again. These people are toxic and you need them out of your life.

it baffles me as well as to why DH would want me there- and why do they ask to see me?
It's just another of their teeny tiny ways of controlling you.

Start calling your DH 'my bitch' to your FIL.

They sound like a dysfunctional bunch. Don't bother with sparing your husband's feelings if he can't put yours first - just tell your him that you can't stand them and never want to see them again.

If he decides to leave because of that - bonus!

Oh Op, he sounds vile and you're not too sensitive at all. You have a big DH problem but if you're not going to split with him, then you need to start putting yourself and your DCs first - stay away from all family Skype calls and refuse to visit them or have them in your home. I'd also stop the DCs seeing or having any interaction with them as they're poisonous and you don't want your DCs thinking their behaviour is normal. Fuck not wanting to appear rude and if they ask what your problem is, read out your Op. if they attempt to minimise that by saying you're too sensitive, tell them clearly that they're wrong and you won't be gaslighted any further and end the conversation. Good luck.

How low can someone's self esteem and confidence be to tolerate such utter disrespect and contempt from your husband and his family? You will feel infinitely better if you leave them all