To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

I don't know why I'm still married to him, as we've both changed a lot since we met. To be honest he does have quite a bossy aspect to his personality and he's never been very supportive of me or my feelings. I know I suffer from low self esteem. But how would being a divorced Mum make that any better?

Next time you see him and he comes out with some of his shitty comments go and casually stand next to him. Make a point of pulling yourself up to your fullest height and then look down at him. Just that. Quite close. No need to speak. Or smile particularly. You could choose to look amused or bemused. You might want to raise one eyebrow slightly. Use that height he's so threatened by to threaten his presumption that he can behave like this towards you. Just full on look at him and hold his gaze until he has to look away. Pat him on the head if you want as an extra flourish. Make a patronising awww sound perhaps. But you don't actually need these little enjoyable extras. He'll wither. The power dynamic has been reversed. You've won. (This technique works well with children who won't do what they're told!!!!)

refuse to be on skype. Find out when the calls will be, and happen to take DC out 10 mins before so you don’t have to put up with his nonsense

Why absent yourself from your own home?
If your husband calls across for you to say hello, just shout back that you have no desire to speak to his intolerant racist twat of a Father.

Why did you marry a man that cant back you?! Your FIL is a tosser and seems his son is one too.. you will more and likely keep arguing about this whether you see them or not.

You'd need to put a few ground rules (boundaries) down. Do you think it's worth the mental stress to stay in a home that you arent valued in? Especially if you have children.

@ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow it will allow you to explore who you are without someone controlling your life, and allow you to develop inner strength and conviction to live your own life.
It will allow you to escape a reality of a “family” (H and in-laws) who do not respect and care for you, and instead you can promote yours and your children’s happiness.

I know I suffer from low self esteem. But how would being a divorced Mum make that any better?
Because once you get away from these people who are making sure you do have low self esteem your confidence will flourish.

I know I suffer from low self esteem. But how would being a divorced Mum make that any better?

Well, you wouldn't be denigrated by your FIL and DH by proxy of your FIL. That's gotta to be better for your self-esteem.

You'd be in charge of your own life and who is in it, and that will be good for your self-esteem.

You'd be managing on your own and rocking it, and that would be good for your self-esteem.

In a very petty way, I would be tempted to use the words “little”, “small” and “short” in conversation as often as possible.

If you can bear to tolerate him again - invent a story about a friends' husband, who just happens to be a racist, misogynistic short-arse bully, spin it out for as long as you can, end with "and I think he is a nasty little worm and best avoided"
& make your last exit for a fast departure home.

You have a dh problem.

Thank you all for your words of advice and support. I think I already know what the answer is but it terrifies me. When the time is right I think I'll have to move on.

Don't stoop to his level by name calling & disguising an insult as "funny".

Just leave your horrible husband & have nothing to do with FIL ever again!

My dh would go apeshit if his DF insulted me btw. Your dh sounds scared of his dad - pathetic.

I know I suffer from low self esteem. But how would being a divorced Mum make that any better?

I wonder if your low self-esteem would be improved by not being married to someone who refuses to defend you when you are being bullied?

I think you need to get rid of both FIL and H. Is there a MIL? What is she like?

I was brought up to have manners and conduct myself properly. In this case I wish I had learned how to deal with a bunch of idiots and do it the hardest way.
One day FIL said to H to make me behave. I behaved for myself and left that circus. Best thing I ever did. Funnily enough FIL and H were taller than me but certainly not tall for men. There must be something to this "small man syndrome"
Run as fast as you can

Like all bullies , he’s after a reaction, so react the other way, next time you are there, pat him on the head and say, hello little girl, you’r looking pretty today etc or whatever your can think of that would put the wind up his tale.
This was my FIL to a lesser degree, an opinionated little man who no one stood up to and just said : “ oh that’s dad“ but if `I said something on on the same lines I was berated for it.
Did your husband grow up in a house where the parents fought a lot ?
Mine did and he’s never been able to deal with emotions and opinions because of it,
Luckily my FIL is DEAD now, and I feel soooo much better.

I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family

Does it matter about not appearing rude? Given that your FIL is rude to you?

When he asks things like "Where is he?", ask your DH loudly whether he things your FiL's problem is with his eyes or is a speech defect, and suggest that dementia is setting in. Talk loudly about small man syndrome and the way it makes people behave so childishly. You could go for the favourite "Did you mean to be so rude? Or are you simply losing control of your natural inhibitions?"

@ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow OP:

”I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family. Easier said than done.”

Yet again, 2 men are treating you like shit and you as a woman think it’s up to you to change Holy shit.

Our poor daughters.

Get shot of your DH. They all sound like a bunch of pricks.
You'll be better off in so many ways op.

When the FiL asks where "he" is I'd want to reply with "Oh I didn't think your father knew about your male lover" but then, I'm PA so I suspect it's not the best response.

Start by telling your DH to go and stay at his parents because you need a break.

This is not OK, and you are worth so much more.

"I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family. Easier said than done."

I would suggest you need to find a way to stop caring about appearing rude to this arrogant little shit of a man and his spineless son.

'I'm here. Maybe you should use your booster cushion if you can't see your screen properly?'

'Awww, bless. (to husband) Isn't your Dad so cute and funny? He's just like Mr Pepperpot. THAT'S what DC should call him - Granddad Pepperpot!'

'Hiya, Scrappy-Doo!'

Treat him like he would absolutely hate - a little, cute and faintly ridiculous cartoon character.

(FIL is very short, DP is short. FIL definitely tried to make up for his height by becoming a 'big' personality bit of a twat. When he tried cutting DP down to make himself look big and clever to his girlfriend, I laughed at him. He never did it again.)

Jesus Christ OP. My FIL has his moments but yours makes him seem like Santa Claus!! Your DH should grow a fucking backbone and tell him it's not acceptable.
You should avoid your PIL, and tbh I'd take a good long look at your DH as well - a couple is supposed to be a team and if he's not on your side over something like this, what sort of partnership do you really have?

"Yet again, 2 men are treating you like shit and you as a woman think it’s up to you to change, Holy shit."

Spot-on - and I am a man.

Nobody, apart from the OP, seems to have touched on cultural differences, these can be far more significant than many would like to admit. Anyway, the FIL sounds like a real piece of work; the work scum comes to mind.

You will feel more lonely being surrounded by these arseholes than you ever will by being on your own. Leave x