To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

I used to be like you Op, the feeling of horrible anxiety deep down in the pit of my stomach at having to see my horrible PILs - mostly my FIL but MIL is almost as bad. I just stopped engaging. Stopped taking the phone from my DH when they demanded to speak to me, stopped going to see them. Just stopped.

I don't have DC which makes it easier but let your DH facilitate his and DC relationship with his parents. Turns out when I stopped engaging my DH hardly saw them because he really doesn't like them. He just didn't realise that was an acceptable response to deal with controlling, judgemental, misogynistic people even if they are your parents.

On a serious note though, he sounds like an arsehole.
I dont blame you for wanting nothing more to do with him.
Your DH needs to grow a backbone....or some brains, if he really doesn't see the problem here.

Op you need one of those foam one finger gesture sponge things. When dh Skypes them hold it up behind dh's head... Then deny all knowledge..
Your dh is an utter knob.
And you know where he gets this trait from.

I couldn't be with a man who but a bully before me.
Not for one year yet alone several.
YANBU and I'd be sending your h over to them as they seem to think there's nothing wrong with the treatment they give you.
Your children shouldn't be it that situation either, just refuse to go again and keep your child with you.

Tell your family about it and tell them to give your husband a girls nickname ( like Tracey or something) and see how he likes it.

Stop caving in to your dh. No more getting dragged into skype calls, and when lockdown is over, he goes to see them on his own, and they're not invited to your place.

Call him a she and ask where his high heels are, those should maybe help with his issues. If he doesn't like it, tell him he is too sensitive. Try to use exactly his own words he has used about you.

Then have a serious talk with your DH. If he does not stand up for you, it will only get worse.

Yes we do have DC together. The light of my life.

Our relationship isn't perfect and tbh there are days when I want to end it- but just the thought of not being with my DC for any amount of time absolutely kills me. My own DP got divorced and it really affected me.

I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family. Easier said than done.

Did you not meet the fil before the wedding.
Always a bad move, they unfortunately share the same views, vary rarely are they different from their upbringing.

Not sure why you married someone who allowed his family to treat you like this. That should have told you all you needed to know really.

I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family. Easier said than done.

That's a great move, now what to do about the husband who clearly couldn't give a shit about your feelings.
But staying is better than sharing your children with him?
have you no standards, self esteem?
Do you think this is the right environment to raise your children?
Your dh is controlling maybe abusive too, as he clearly is allowed to insist you do things .

He has short man syndrome - there fuckers to work for so I imagine harder to live with. Your very height is offensive to him as it’s an affront to his masculinity.

Fuck learning to not be rude to him, you may not want to leave your DH but you can certainly divorce your in laws.

IMO your FIL is a dick. Your H is an even bigger dick for not standing up for you.

Also OP how old are your children? What will happen when they start to parrot grandads jokes and your DH does nothing because it’s just a laugh.

Our relationship isn't perfect and tbh there are days when I want to end it

OK, this doesn't sound healthy. Splitting up doesn't have to be a disaster for all concerned.

Shared care doesn't mean never seeing them again. As they grow older they will become more independent anyway.

Do you think it would be healthier for your children to see you being miserable, and putting up with being bullied by your FIL? That's a really unhealthy relationship dynamic to model to them.

My own DP got divorced and it really affected me.

Was it the divorce or the acrimony which affected you?

Your children will be damaged by seeing their mother denigrated, derided and bullied by their grandfather (and indirectly by their enabling father). This will teach them incredibly damaging lessons about men and women that they will bring into their own relationships - to their own and their children's own long term detriment.

Nothing helpful to add to previous posts. Humour, assertive feedback or avoidance are all great ideas but do know that YANBU. He sounds awful!!!

Make fun of the dickhead back. Call him shorty, short men really hate that. They tend to hate being short anyway, hence why they tend to be aggressive and rude like this twat (I know they all aren't like this obviously). Call him a woman, change his name to the closest female equivalent. If he gets angry, shrug and go it's only a joke.

Although you should divorce your idiot of a husband too and just get out of this family altogether. They are not worthy.

Go ahead and be rude, OP. Every time he insults you, insult him back. He'll stop.

Omfg what an arsehole. Unfortunately the apple doesn't fall from from the tree we become our parent's.
I'd keep an eye on DH he should be standing up for you.

The overalls thing I would have replied “No, we’ve seen a stunning dress for you though fil.”

The way he’s carried this on though, referring to you as he is just fucking rude. Call him she from now on and call his partner he.

Are you sure you want to marry a man that lets his father make derogatory ''jokes'' about you, and calls you over sensitive?

Yes we had met before the wedding- hence the overalls 'joke'.

I know things are weird at the moment for everyone but I don't mind saying that the silver lining from all this is that we don't have to see them in person. Does that make me horrible for saying that?

His "joke" is pathetic and childish. I know its difficult but do not react to it and ignore his pathetic attempts as it is done to upset you and at the moment he is suceeding.
If you ignore he will either give up or up the ante. If he ramps up the insults then his dislike of you will become far more obvious to your DH.
My MIL used to openly insult me to my face (Out of DH's earshot) I used to ignore it and just smile at her.
She gave up after a while, as I wouldn't "bite" and over the years we built a civil relationship of sorts.

I have a manipulative and passive aggressive MIL - I decided about a year ago that it's best if we just don't see each other. DH still goes occasionally with DS for a visit, and things are so much better than when I was tolerating the desire to play happy families. I would suggest just cutting all contact with him (YANBU), but that doesn't address the main issue here (IMO) which is that your DH hasn't got your back.