To not want to have to see DH's family ever again

[ireallyshouldbeinbedbynow]

...and more specifically his parents..
Things have always been tense between his Dad and me- tbh from the moment we met it's felt like he's had it in for me- but I don't even know what I've done wrong...people have told me before it could be a racist thing?- DH and I are different nationalities.

Bit of background - w/o giving too much away- his DF worked in a fairly high powered job- good salary and with a good pension now-but he seems to be the sort of man who demands respect from people because he'd been used to it for all those years at work.

There have been several occasions over the years where DH and I have had proper rows - namely because of FIL saying something cruel and insensitive to me, me then reacting- or over reacting? and DH refusing to see my point of view- calling me over sensitive etc...

Example- we'd just got engaged and were discussing wedding plans etc- FIL asked me if I'd found any nice overalls to wear for the wedding...? i.e. implying I'm a man??? Because I'm tall- and he happens to be short. What the actual fuck???? DH said that's just his sense of humour...we very nearly didn't get married because of this massive argument...

This has been a running joke of his about me ever since. DH will never agree with me and will always, always defend his DF.
Doing a skype call with them today- DH insists I be polite and say hello- which I did-even though I loathe skype calls- his DP sit there listing who they can see on screen- I was just out of view and his DF kept on saying 'Where is he? Where is he? '... About me obviously....I mean come on! Seriously??? Why does he think that's still a valid joke?
Whenever there's a family get together I find myself getting really really anxious, I start comfort eating to try and calm myself down- if we're staying over at their place I try and keep out of the way as much as possible etc. I'm as polite to them as I can be but tbh this is really stressful for me.

He's done other really petty things to me over the years - I try to shrug it off but it does wear you down when you know that no-one is on your side and everybody else seems to adore him-
Just one other example that springs to mind- when visiting them when DD was a baby- they would come and take her out the car and into the house, I would be struggling with all the heavy bags up their drive way- he would see me coming and deliberately close the front door on me.

I don't have any of my family close by for support.
Sorry this is so long.
If you have any advice ? I don't want to be told I'm too sensitive- I'm a bit sick of hearing how it's my fault when I've done nothing wrong- apart from marrying into DH's family.

If it's got to this point then I would stand up to him. Next him on skype he does that call him out on it. He will be so shocked.

Just say "FIL you know what you said is rude right? You're not funny it's just plain rude."

He'll prob be shocked that u stood up to him.

'I'm here. Maybe you should use your booster cushion if you can't see your screen properly

Awww, bless. (to husband) Isn't your Dad so cute and funny? He's just like Mr Pepperpot. THAT'S what DC should call him - Granddad Pepperpot

Hiya, Scrappy-Doo

LMAOOO this. Why worry about being rude when he is rude to you 24/7.

I'd also add:

"Youre so tiny you could use a dorito as a parachute!"

"your head is just the right height for me to rest my cup on- thanks FIL!"

"awww teeny tiny pocket grandpa!"

If he thinks height jokes are hilariously funny and entertaining then surely, he'll love these wont he?

The father in law is baiting you like a fish and you bite everytime so turn it around and if he calls you a he say his son must be gay then always twist it back you have to fight your own battles and learn to twist btw my inlaws were the same I just dont bite now and they stopped

I wouldn't call him rude comments back. That's stooping to his level. Everytime he says sins thing just plain faced tell him he's rude

I just need to find a way of being more confident without appearing rude when with his family. Easier said than done.

Both your H and FIL are being actually rude and you are worrying about appearing rude. Be rude when they are. More rude than they are. They can't object, it's all hilarious fun, isn't it.

BTW my favorite response to "only joking" is "'joking' is when the other person laughs, hope this helps". With passive aggressive air quotes on 'joking'.

That's stooping to his level. Everytime he says sins thing just plain faced tell him he's rude

The problem is though- he KNOWS its rude and he doesnt care so telling him its rude is pointless- thats the entire reason he does it in the first place to be rude!

Ah but people who know they are rude don't like to be called out on it in front of other people

He thinks he's the funny big man. Stopping him dead will embarrass him

Ah but people who know they are rude don't like to be called out on it in front of other people

Nah- he'll just use the old line "I was JUST joking! cant you take a joke? my, you are sensitive arent you?" I'd bet money thats what he'll say. I highly doubt he'll be like omg youre right, I'll stop being rude immediately. Then he'll probably do it more because he is trying to be rude.

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

Don't allow this to go on as your child will pick up on it and begin to think it's acceptable. Eventually you will have no respect from your child either.

Tell your DH very clearly you feel undermined /disrespected. Don't back down. Next time call FIL "she" to make the point. He is a bully and you need to front up his behaviour.
I can only imagine how he treats his wife, the MIL.

You just have to be cutting and to the point.

"No you're rude and not funny".

Don't get in for tit for tat. Make sure your face expression matches and tone of voice.

Being rude back is just not the answer. How is that an example to your child that's how you should behave to a bully? Show your child you would stand up to them, behave correctly and not be rude

But how would being a divorced Mum make that any better?

Because your husband and his family are a a massive cause of your low self esteem, you deserve so much better than this, you and your children deserve to have a happy life. By accepting this treatment you're showing your children that it is acceptable to be treated this way, imagine for a second how you would feel if your child came home feeling how you do because one of their in laws have been rude and disrespectful, would you tell them just to accept it and try not to be rude?

You get one chance and life OP and you deserve to have the best one you can possibly have ❤️ you're so much stronger than you think and you don't need to put up with this rubbish from anyone

There's no point in telling the OP to be rude back as it's clearly something she wouldn't be comfortable with.

OP, You said you said your family was nicer to your DH than to you (or words to that effect)

Does that mean that there's no-one who has your back?

And is there a MiL around? How is she treated?

I wouldn't worry about being rude. Tell DH that if you have to keep seeing his parents, you'll address his dad as Napoleon (or whatever other appearance based jibe you want to think of). Get the kids to join in.

Your FIL sounds appalling. You should have slapped his face long ago. Don't talk to him. They must know they are being very rude, hurtful and horrid to you. FIL is torture. Try to build up your self confidence and self worth. Take counselling if you can (through NHS) or there are books you can read. Do not stand for this behaviour.

You have a DH problem

Your FIL has little man syndrome and your Husband is a twunt. Dont visit, dont speak on skype and tell your DH to man up or bail out

Youre being bullied and youre teaching your dd that its ok to accept this from men

Your dh is the problem

My grandfather (mother's FIL) was a bully. Yet my mum pandered to him until he died. My dad couldn't stand up to him either because FIL had bullied him all his life and he'd got used to it. I was made to go along with it and didn't know better. I believe this contributed to me pandering to bullies at various stages in life, at school and in the workplace. I'm very fortunate to have found a great DH who respects me, and to have found a healthier place to work. But be very mindful of the effect it could have on your DC when they see you not standing up for yourself and not being defended against bullies, OP.

You are NOT being too sensitive. Your FIL sounds like a rude, mean-spirited, mannerless twat and, unfortunately, your DH's behaviour is equally unacceptable. It's reasonable to expect your partner to be polite to your parents, but if your parents are inexcusably rude, it's pretty simple to calmly say, for example, 'Don't speak to my wife like that. If you do it again, we're leaving / ending the call.' Then follow through.

Perhaps try having another conversation with your DH - work out what you want to say beforehand: something simple, with an example and what you would like to happen in future. AVOID making it seem like he has to choose between you and his parents. But it's very reasonable to ask your DH to quietly and calmly ask his dad to treat you with the respect you deserve. You also need to consider what will happen if your DH refuses to stand up for you and nothing changes...do you live far enough away from your inlaws that you only see them once every few months? If you have to see them more frequently could you continue to put up with this, or will it eventually cause you to leave your DH?

The apple didn’t fall far from the tree in that family

Agree with this.

What Tappering said too.

You married a weak spiteful man who's happy to see and hear you being bullied. & He's gaslighting you by telling you to put up with it. Didn't you meet his parents before you married? I wouldn't bother seeing his dad again he has trash mentality.
You should've called the idiot 'She' when he called you He.

I'm wondering if you're from a culture where you must be respectable to elders no matter what? I am. But I don't subscribe to it, life's too short to put up with bullshit. Stand up for yourself. Tell your husband his dad is ignorant and you will have nothing more to do with him.

You wouldn't lose by getting out of a family like that tho.

I think I would have to say every time he referred to me as a man, why do you keep doing that? Its rude and upsets me. If he carrys on, I wouldnt bother speaking nor visiting him again.

I’ve had issues with my mil for years. She’s ignored me, offered drinks and food to my husband and offered me nothing, bought a gift for my husband and eldest son when our middle son was born yet nothing for me. I’ve put up with it for the sake of my husband but it has caused serious issues. We now see her every three months. Last time we saw her, she met up with her other son in a town 20 minutes from us (she has rung my dh before crying that the brothers don’t spend time together), we haven’t seen dh brother in two years he lives an hour from us (his choice) and they’d gone for lunch. I’d step away from his father and do whatever you are most comfortable with. Your FIL sounds like a total and utter dickhead.

You have a few choices here.

You have to push back. You can join in the bantz- every time FiL says anything, you reply with a little laugh and say 'now, now napoleon' or 'ah, you're just jealous' 'yes yes, and you are a short arse'.

You could just yawn and say 'boring' 'still boring' 'getting old' etc.

He doesn't respect you, and you aren't making him.

If that's not your cup of tea, then just be rid of them. You will enjoy your time with DC far more for not having to share with that lot.

Haven't rtft only because I'm so angry for you!! Sounds like FIL has short man syndrome and your DH is a spineless twat. So sorry and no I would most certainly never see them again! Absolute wankers the lot of them, you deserve SO much better

Agree with PPs. You are being bullied by your FIL and your H is enabling him.
You can either fight back in kind, not engage (don't say hi, don't visit, etc) and/or kick your useless H out.

SIngle parenthood is way better than what you are having to live with. You don't have to put up with this.