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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what the shittest sex you ever had is?

388 replies

Magicra84 · 24/05/2020 14:39

Saw someone who absolutely insisted he wanted a proper relationship and not just FWB but the few times I saw him which led to sex he left within ten mins of sex ending. Sex was shit too. Three thrusts and he was done. Rubbish! As he was very good looking I hoped it would get better. I didn't give it chance to after he left immediately after twice.

OP posts:
MarieQueenofScots · 25/05/2020 11:12

I am comparing, as I have said repeatedly and you are ignoring, slagging someone for a physical feature they cannot help to slagging someone for a physical feature they cannot help

But a guy who has a small penis can help how they have sex. If they’re choosing not to bother that’s their issue.

I had great sex for a few months with a smaller guy, it wouldn’t have been for me long term but he made the effort to make it pleasurable for me.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/05/2020 11:13

"I speculate that as men seem to orgasm easier it would be more about 'crazy' women."

Also less likely to have painful experiences, but there might be some examples. They'd probably also complain of passive women and call them nasty names like dead fish or sack of potatoes. I've even seen 'vanilla' which is supposed to just mean normal being used as an insult on MN.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 25/05/2020 11:19

@Louise000000 have you ever read Fear of Flying by Erica Jong? She reported similar only on the bedsheets...

Funnily enough I was just imagining a thread with the 'boot on the other foot' (and the potential outrage).

ineedto · 25/05/2020 11:22

I once dated a Royal Marine, he was a lovely guy, softly spoken, handsome, a body to die for and a micro penis. I discovered this on date four. I wanted so badly to enjoy it but he was so unbelievably obsessed with making me climax with his fingers that I couldn’t relax. I felt really sorry for him which isn’t a turn on Blush

notanothernewlife · 25/05/2020 11:24

But a guy who has a small penis can help how they have sex. If they’re choosing not to bother that’s their issue

But as you have pointed out Mary the issue, is not the penis size but whether the man is centring his pleasure - or whether his is treating his partner as an equal partner to create a mutually pleasurable experience. By your own argument - there is no need to mention the penis size.

PerfectPretender · 25/05/2020 11:28

Any time I've slept with a man has been a disappointment in one way or another. Glad I finally figured out I'm lesbian.

Goatinthegarden · 25/05/2020 11:28

Hmmm, I’ve had a couple of rubbish encounters, but luckily not too many. The ones that were rubbish were short lived, I rarely went back for another go.

Went out with a guy once who seemed decent enough, but then he kind of just hopped on and rammed it in before I was ready. Sure I got a friction burn! I didn’t like him enough to bother attempting to train him. I’m pretty sure he gave me a UTI as well.

Another guy was so nice, great fun and very attractive, but seemed to have some sort of guilty hang up about sex. All the lights had to be turned off, then he crept across the bed in the dark and went limp before he got it in. After three separate attempts at this and him whispering in my ear in the middle of the night that he was ‘in love’ with me and I just had to run for the hills.

Wheninrometoday · 25/05/2020 11:37

This reply has been deleted

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MarieQueenofScots · 25/05/2020 11:39

By your own argument - there is no need to mention the penis size

Not really, IME it’s part of the issue. So yeah, I’ve had shit sex because he had a small dick. Not his fault (although the lack of effort was) but why should people lie?

Unless people have been screwing Hercule Poirot, I’m sure their secret is safe and will have no idea they’re being discussed on MN.

2020IsTheWorseIWantedZombies · 25/05/2020 11:43

Worse sex was a 2 minute one night stand in a Wetherspoons toilet when I was 16. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

AnnaMagnani · 25/05/2020 11:44

University Formal Hall. I was very drunk, so was he. I'd never seen him before all year. I'd been miserable having been ghosted on arrival at uni by my first boyfriend.

Went back to my room, he was hopeless. I got up at one point and threw up in the bathroom, I don't think he noticed. I was lying there like a dead duck. Eventually he got vaguely near my clitoris so I threw out some encouraging noises to help him know he was at least getting warm.

Instead he gave up and asked for a blowjob. When I refused he said it wasn't fair as he'd given me an orgasm Shock

He left in a strop.

Of course the following morning, having never seen him before in a whole year, I saw him at breakfast, with all his mates, him having clearly told all of them I was frigid. I then managed to see him at least once a week for the next 2 sodding years.

This remains the only time in my life I've faked an orgasm and I did it unknowingly by accident. Honestly I hope he still doesn't think that's what they look like Sad

StillWeRise · 25/05/2020 11:46

haven't rtft (not sure if I can face it) but wanted to share this wisdom which I think I first came across on MN, which is
there is no pleasure so over-rated as a bad shag, and no pleasure so under-rated as a good shit
which I think is wise words indeed

JoysOfString · 25/05/2020 11:52

Actually following a PP's comment I have to agree that actually the worst sex of all was in the dying throes of a long relationship when he repulsed me but I hadn't yet found the strength to end it, and felt like I should have sex to show willing :(

He would keep it going for ages (literally up to an hour) to prolong the enjoyment for himself and it was mental torture.

Ninkanink · 25/05/2020 11:58

Did someone actually try to mansplain the female orgasm to us??

(Apologies if you’re not a man, but I seem to remember that you are...)

TellySavalashairbrush · 25/05/2020 11:58

Don’t entirely agree about players being the best. Dh has had many partners before me and is not great. Ex dh was almost a Virgin when we met, but very good at sex. I just didn’t fancy him.

Ginbunny1212 · 25/05/2020 12:04

I have a few. The good looking guy with a massive penis - width and length. Bit drunk, looked at it and thought how is it going to fit. He said don’t worry I will warm you up. Nope not enough and he just went in there. Blood bath. Trip to a&e and nearly stitched up. We didn’t last long after that. He admitted I was not the first this happened to

Ex good couldn’t finish unless he shouted profanities at me. Bit off putting. Thought I could get used to it, as very mild manner. Nope

Current ex/fwb. When he finishes - sex is amazing - he has these twitches sort of spasms that last about 5 mins. He calls them sex hiccups. Bit weird to start as I thought he was doing amateur dramatics. Just can’t cuddle till he calms down. His whole body is so sensitive.

Ninkanink · 25/05/2020 12:09

Never mind trying to mansplain the principles of sexual pleasure...

Thanks, but I’m well acquainted with the need to be mentally engaged in sex and connected with my own sexuality, I don’t need you to read effectively read of out of a manual to me.

I’ve had fantastic sex and I’ve had bad sex, and I can tell you categorically that I was just as up for the idea of pleasure each time.

I also don’t agree that men who’ve had a lot of sexual partners are automatically better at it. In fact I’d venture that a lot of players are too selfish and self-centred to make good lovers. Men who are fully engaged in the principle of shared sexual pleasure and reading the woman well, will be great at sex. Men who are not, won’t be, regardless of how many other women they’ve been with.

jellybeans44 · 25/05/2020 12:10

Notanothernewlife but skin colour has nothing to do with someone's ability to give sexual pleasure so your point makes no sense. A penis directly affects sex so having a tiny one can affect it. You're right it's the person not taking the time to make sure you're having a good time - but this would, in part, need to be done because of the tiny penis! Not because of skin colour.

MarieQueenofScots · 25/05/2020 12:12

Did someone actually try to mansplain the female orgasm to us??

There was a blinding thread a few weeks ago when a different male poster was very scathing about the female orgasm and how women just didn’t make the effort as none of his partners ever came....

katseyes7 · 25/05/2020 12:13

Not mine, but one of my friends went out with someone who she said was "very good with his fingers", but when he went down on her, "it was like swabbing a floor with a wet mop...."

BubblyBarbara · 25/05/2020 12:16

Being a bit older than average DH and I tend to need a bottle of "help" to get things moving appropriately, if you get what I'm saying, and that is fine when we are at home. However, once we were on holiday to Cornwall and had to stay over in a Travel Lodge on the A303 because of a big traffic jam you know what it is like in the middle of summer and all that. Well anyway all ready for bed lights off and I thought I had put things in the appropriate place. At the right time I asked DH to fetch the "help" and he reached and got it no problems there. However when he started to do the business with his mouth he started shouting and sounding sick and ran to the bathroom, it turns out he had picked up a bottle of shower gel and not the liquid! It put him off for the rest of the holiday.

MattBerrysHair · 25/05/2020 12:17

But a guy who has a small penis can help how they have sex. If they’re choosing not to bother that’s their issue.

I had great sex for a few months with a smaller guy, it wouldn’t have been for me long term but he made the effort to make it pleasurable for me.

This ^^

I've had great sex with couple of men on the smaller side because they were confident, considerate and attentive.

EngagedAgain · 25/05/2020 12:22

chocolatebuttons1,

perhaps you had a lucky escape!

Ninkanink · 25/05/2020 12:26

@MarieQueenofScots

Yes...I think that might be where I know the name from.

(If not, sorry about that, whoever you are. I’m shit with usernames!)

Abitouting · 25/05/2020 12:30

I am laughing so much at some of these. Ok mine:

  1. Ex who liked me to shout his name. Would pull my hair and act hurt when I told him it hurt. Had a horrible orgasm face. Was awful at oral apart from the one time I had an itchy vagina and he really got the itch out for me. Also never washed his penis properly. And would beg for pleasure, "oh please give me a hand job". Grim.
  1. Was a short guy but with a large penis with great girth. When he flopped it out he looked at me, with one raised brow, and said "It's big isn't it. Bet you're surprised".
  1. One guy made me sore and swollen with his awkward and incapable fumblings. I actually chose him over another guy as He was so gorgeous... bad decision.
  1. One guy kept asking to do me from behind but I said no as I knew he wanted to try anal. Not with me mate! He also told me to be very quiet when I made some (fake) pleasurable groans because of neighbours (I wasn't loud!!). For some reason I let him finish in my mouth and he said "go on [name]".

Pretty much all my flings were shit and I never went back for seconds.

My DP is amazing. He went down on me on the first night and I couldn't believe it because (not including crap ex) no one had other done that!

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