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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex putting suncream on my daughter

142 replies

CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 09:46

HELP

Very acrimonious split with me ex resulting tin the courts making decisions about childcare and we still can’t communicate in an efficient way.

My DD is 3 she spend a few nights a week with him and we communicate via a book. I wrote in the book to remind him she’s allergic to most suncreams to remind him of the one we have used for the past year. This was back in April. He obviously ignored me and when I collected her he had used a branded one that she had reacted to. He denied it was the suncream.

Today I collect her again and she is head to toe in an itchy horrible rash - his explanation is it’s not the suncream as he has used it before a month ago and she was fine.

I’m furious as she’s now having to have piriton and is uncomfortable on another warm day and I don’t want to put anything more on her already angry skin.

The courts don’t care about this level of negligence - the father is always more important than the child’s needs in court. In my opinion it’s a form of child abuse as he knows she’s allergic to suncream yet he is purposefully exposing her to harm.

What would you all do please and am I being unfair for being so angry

OP posts:
Truthpact · 22/05/2020 09:53

Christ that is bad. I don't know what you can do if the courts won't listen, maybe get a doctor to sign something to say she is allergic and he is causing her harm doing this and present that in court? Or ask a doctor to give testimony in court?

You are not being unfair though and are right to be angry. He is a twat.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 22/05/2020 10:01

I have a similar issue in that my children are very allergic to animals. They wake all night with nose bleeds and sneeze constantly/sore eyes.
Court also didn’t care either and have told us to sort it between ourselves.
I booked a drs appointment for both children (phone call at the moment which is better as don’t have to talk in front of them) and explained the situation and the dr put it on their medical notes that dad has pets and is refusing to provide a “safe space” for contact to take place since his animals are there.
I doubt much will come of it but my first advice would be to take photos and maybe speak to the dr and email the photos if they have a way to do that and ask for “advice” as dad keeps using a different suncream and you think that is what is causing it and would the dr say that it could be sun cream or not etc.... basically ask the drs advice on whether you are right and then it will be on the child’s notes at least? X

mumwon · 22/05/2020 10:04

newsflash to him -people (including dc!) can & do develop allergies to things they have previously been OK with - take picture of her reactions & send this to him

81Byerley · 22/05/2020 10:06

Send her suncream with her?

AmNot · 22/05/2020 10:16

Send suncream with her..

Roselilly36 · 22/05/2020 10:17

As poster said above, send her with the suitable sunscreen.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/05/2020 10:17

I'd take pictures send to doctor and ask for a letter stating she has an allergy. And buy some suncream to hand over with her.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 22/05/2020 10:19

What would I do? Send the sun cream with her.

midnightstar66 · 22/05/2020 10:19

Not an issue with suncream as my ex would be too lazy to put it on,but I have to send DD's hair products with her as she can only use certain ones (they still like to use different ones sometimes but this lessens it)

Chloemol · 22/05/2020 10:25

Just send the sunscreen with her so he has some at his house, it’s not difficult and you are making it more so. Put your child first, even if that means you supplying stuff.

FluffyAragog · 22/05/2020 10:25

I'd send the sun cream. It would piss me off to have to do it but I couldn't risk my DC coming home like that again. He's her dad and should be perfectly capable of purchasing and using a product that doesn't cause a bloody allergic reaction in his child, but he sounds like an absolute twat so I think you just need to take matters in to your own hands.

BlingLoving · 22/05/2020 10:35

Surely purposefully giving someone, particularly a child in your care, something to which they have a known allergy is abuse? I have no idea how these things work but I'd be seriously tempted to call social services or the police as it's happened repeatedly. And for the record, I'm usually the type who thinks that exes should make effort and accommodations for each other.

Hell, surely we've all read crime fiction where the murderer is discovered to have slipped nuts into the food of the victim knowing he/she is allergic?

Alsohuman · 22/05/2020 10:43

How hard is it to send the right sun cream with her? Easier surely than allowing her to suffer and making such a song and dance about it.

chunkyrun · 22/05/2020 10:46

I'd just send sun cream with her. Label and update communication book.

chunkyrun · 22/05/2020 10:47

Don't get me wrong it would frustrate me that I have to provide suncream but better that then her being ill

Soontobe60 · 22/05/2020 10:51

Yes, I'd also send in the correct suncream. Btw, I thought for years that my DD was allergic to sun cream and spent a fortune trying to find one that she didn't break out in a rash with. It turned out she was actually allergic to the sun! The dermatologist advised using a daily anti histhamine all summer, and this worked. Now she can use aynsuncream without reaction.

BlingLoving · 22/05/2020 10:51

Look, I'm inclined to agree you should send the right suncream, but I'm still a bit surprised by the lack of concern that he is purposefully hurting her. What if she had a serious nut allergy? Would the advice be to send her with food you've prepared so that she doesn't risk eating a nut at his house because he doesn't care enough to keep them separate?

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 10:51

I absolutely agree that I should send her with the suncream. But he previously emptied the house taking all her stuff which includes this very expensive suncream. His parents also have some of this suncream So it’s not like he can’t get hold of it. And if I give it to him I won’t get it back and he won’t use it to make a point.

She is going to the Drs today as it’s a nasty reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 10:52

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 I hope
Your little ones are ok. It’s so unfair that the courts choose to listen to a dad over everything else

OP posts:
Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 10:54

@BlingLoving I agree it’s abuse. I truly believe he has done this to hurt me as he knows it makes me react and he loves the reaction. I could write a novel on what he’s done over the last year. It’s shocking

OP posts:
VeraorHolly · 22/05/2020 10:55

Sorry, OP.

also remember it could be something else in his house. We are an eczema family, and my kids react to certain laundry soap (especially on bedding and towels), foods, and stress. Stress is a huge trigger for my kids.

You could sort the sunscreen and find it is something else - this may be a larger battle than sunscreen.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 22/05/2020 10:57

Yes you're right to take her to the doctor. It sounds like he could be holding the correct sun cream and still decide to use the one he thinks is best. I'm guessing he has narcissistic tendencies, but that's just a guess.

When you're at the doctor please don't be afraid to explain exactly why she has this rash. You won't get in trouble for him doing something you have no control over. Maybe ask if there is anything they can refer you to in order for them to ensure her dad is taking the proper precautions. I'm not sure if early intervention social services is too extreme or what, but it sounds like he doesn't take anything you say seriously and needs an authority to make things very clear to him.

midnightstar66 · 22/05/2020 10:57

@BlingLoving I'm sure people are concerned but as OP says the courts aren't interested in this level of neglect and he's unapproachable about im sure. Thankfully this is a contact allergy and not life threatening as a nut allergy might be - you could make up a load of 'what if' situations that don't exist.

Rosebel · 22/05/2020 10:57

Why should she provide it? People are saying how hard is it to send the right suncream, if it's so easy surely the dad is also easily able to provide the right cream?
Write down the name of the cream and keep a note in the book of every time he doesn't use it.

PersephoneandHades · 22/05/2020 10:58

@Alsohuman She is not making a song and dance about it? She is upset that twice now her child has been covered in a rash head to toe, and she has not let her child suffer, she made the mistake of expecting the child’s father to buy a suitable sunscreen after being told that the one he was using wasn’t suitable.

I never understand why people comment on these threads if they find it so beneath them? If you feel yourself getting the urge to be nasty then channel your energy into something else, it is better for everyone.