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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex putting suncream on my daughter

142 replies

CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 09:46

HELP

Very acrimonious split with me ex resulting tin the courts making decisions about childcare and we still can’t communicate in an efficient way.

My DD is 3 she spend a few nights a week with him and we communicate via a book. I wrote in the book to remind him she’s allergic to most suncreams to remind him of the one we have used for the past year. This was back in April. He obviously ignored me and when I collected her he had used a branded one that she had reacted to. He denied it was the suncream.

Today I collect her again and she is head to toe in an itchy horrible rash - his explanation is it’s not the suncream as he has used it before a month ago and she was fine.

I’m furious as she’s now having to have piriton and is uncomfortable on another warm day and I don’t want to put anything more on her already angry skin.

The courts don’t care about this level of negligence - the father is always more important than the child’s needs in court. In my opinion it’s a form of child abuse as he knows she’s allergic to suncream yet he is purposefully exposing her to harm.

What would you all do please and am I being unfair for being so angry

OP posts:
ganchanaghgeiseric · 22/05/2020 20:40

User, but what other choice is there? If he can't be bothered to get the right cream, if OP sends one with her, at least he can't make excuses not using the cream she is ok with. The child is the one suffering. Just saying he should be doing it won't change his actual attitude. Until the issue is solved legally or whatever, that's the best for the child.

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 20:41

@UserFriendly14 thank you. Personally I feel that he’s her Dad and needs to take responsibility for ensuring she has everything she needs.

What annoys me is he emptied my house - he took everything. So why should I provide anything as he left me with nothing. Not even her dummy or a bottle. He has everything he needs and more

OP posts:
WhatCFeryIsThis · 22/05/2020 21:21

But @ganchanaghgeiseric he has the cream. He took it along with everything else. OP bought a new one. She could probably tape the bottle to her daughter's leg and he will still use a different one. The problem is his reluctance to cooperate.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 22/05/2020 21:43

the father is always more important than the child’s needs in court.
^^
From everything I hear this is true.

We didn’t get as far as court as exh apparently got some legal advice that I was likely to get what I argued for (9/14 and 5/14 rather 50:50).

She could probably tape the bottle to her daughter's leg and he will still use a different one.

^^
I feel this is true too.

Healthyandhappy · 22/05/2020 21:45

You do realise this type of aggression to each other is bad for your dd. Why did u split up.

endofthelinefinally · 22/05/2020 21:55

I am sure the OP is very well aware of what is bad for her dd.

sniffysnuffler · 22/05/2020 22:05

Just send the sunscreen with her so he has some at his house, it’s not difficult and you are making it more so

Wow, epic victim blaming. It's not OP's job to provide this shitbag father with sunscreen and she's not making things difficult by not jumping through hoops to try to ensure he is a minimally adequate parent.

This sounds like a power move. He wants you to provide the sunscreen so he can lose it or fail to return it and then you have to run around buying more. I don't know how you can solve this right now, but document everything, even if it doesn't seem relevant. Maybe (if you haven't already) email or text him repeating the info about DD's allergy and what cream she needs to use, so that it's documented and you can use it later if necessary. I'd also mention this every time you see the GP.

Cremebrule · 22/05/2020 22:10

This thread has made me so sad and the response from your ex isn’t a normal reaction from a loving father. My baby suddenly developed bad eczema on her tummy and we couldn’t work out what had caused it as I was using expensive, allergen friendly shampoo but no bubbles in the bath, non-bio etc. It turned out my husband had been putting handwash in her bath. He was utterly devastated when he realised he’d accidentally caused the flare up.

endofthelinefinally · 22/05/2020 22:23

@CPParenttoDD1234
You might be better moving this thread to relationships.
AIBU can be tricky as some people tend to not read the thread.
Also, lots of posters on relationships have experience of dealing with similar issues.

TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2020 22:30

What would the ramifications be for not sending your daughter? Is there anyway you can get an emergency injunction or modification to the current agreement seeing as he can’t put the right suncream on.
Knowing his daughter is allergic and doing it to get to you is abuse and I can imagine it getting worse the older she gets.

Purpleartichoke · 22/05/2020 22:40

Uncontrolled skin allergies have a high rate of suicidal ideation. I myself developed allergies late in life. They absolutely are torture.

You may very well need to take him to court and bring expert witnesses to attest to her allergies. I would start by getting them formally diagnosed and documented. If he doesn’t relent, take it to court.

TastingTheRainbow · 22/05/2020 22:40

I understand why you don’t want to send the cream and agree you shouldn’t have to but I think it will help your case if you do. If you have sent the cream and he still doesn’t use it then you can prove it’s abuse otherwise he will try and squirm his way out of it by saying he couldn’t get it, the old one has expired etc. It’s about covering all bases and building evidence at this point sadly.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/05/2020 22:46

already abusive in that he took everything of dd's from her main home, just because he could.

now abusive in refusing to use the stuff he took.

it is not a child's job to tell her father to use a different sun cream, but when a child is with an abusive parent you have to use every strategy to protect them if they are made to go by court.

PS, have you tried cancelling the cheque op?

Willow2017 · 22/05/2020 22:49

Right I know my username is what it is, but from here on in if one more person writes to “send the cream with the child” or any other variation of that I’m gonna kick some arse!
Grin Grin Does nobody actually read ops posts anymore?

User, but what other choice is there? If he can't be bothered to get the right cream, if OP sends one with her, at least he can't make excuses not using the cream she is ok with.
Maybe because He already has the right cream just chooses not to fecking use it?

Willow2017 · 22/05/2020 22:52

You do realise this type of aggression to each other is bad for your dd. Why did u split up.

And the most ridiculous post of the day does to...

YgritteSnow · 22/05/2020 22:59

Just send the sunscreen with her so he has some at his house, it’s not difficult and you are making it more so. Put your child first, even if that means you supplying stuff.

What a load of absolute shit! The "father" is "making it more difficult" by refusing to use sun cream HIS OWN CHILD is not allergic too. The father is not putting HIS OWN CHILD first preferring to defy her mother. Yes OP must send sun cream to try and alleviate this horrible problem he is creating but I bet any money this arsehole won't use it as it's become such a source of contention.

How people can read the OP and then type the above with such a definite tone of blame is beyond me. Some absolute twits on here.

ganchanaghgeiseric · 22/05/2020 23:21

Willow, he can always say he has lost it or whatever, but if OP sends it with her, he can't make that excuse anymore. And OP can document that he deliberately used the cream she was allergic to. That's going to be big+ for OP to prove that ex is not doing right by his own dd, doesn't it?

ganchanaghgeiseric · 22/05/2020 23:29

I actually have a child who has suffered allergy related eczema all his life, going through 3 years of subligual immunotherapy atm. So, I do know how hard to manage allergy and how life is hard for anyone who suffers from it.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/05/2020 00:58

I think sending a small amount labelled in a small bottle, photographed, and photograph put in communication book, and photograph of the two together would be worth considering.

Frozenfan2019 · 23/05/2020 01:59

You do realise this type of aggression to each other is bad for your dd. Why did u split up

When I read posts like this I wonder what a man would have to do to actually be at fault. Deliberately rubbing cream your child is allergic to into her skin now constitutes "aggression to each other" ? I wonder if that would still be the case if the Op were male and his ex female.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2020 02:12

You do realise this type of aggression to each other is bad for your dd. Why did u split up.

Just a tiny guess from incomplete data... he's a drunk, abusive cunt who treats anyone unfortunate enough to have contact with him horribly. Just a guess though.

Hohohole · 23/05/2020 02:37

Tell him to be a parent rather than a prick, who with a good heart would hurt their child intentionally. If she was allergic to a certain food should op supply all her food so her child won't have a reaction, or should the parent that is in charge ensure this doesn't happen?

Weenurse · 23/05/2020 02:40

@MrsTerryPratchett 😂

Weenurse · 23/05/2020 02:41

@MrsTerryPratchett sorry, inappropriate emoji, but your frustration is palpable

Euclid · 23/05/2020 02:42

Please don't try to score points against your ex to the detriment of your little girl. Just give her the sun cream and ask her to ask Dad to use it. If you know that he won't supply it, then do so yourself. Choose your battles