Ex putting suncream on my daughter

[CPParenttoDD1234]

HELP

Very acrimonious split with me ex resulting tin the courts making decisions about childcare and we still can’t communicate in an efficient way.

My DD is 3 she spend a few nights a week with him and we communicate via a book. I wrote in the book to remind him she’s allergic to most suncreams to remind him of the one we have used for the past year. This was back in April. He obviously ignored me and when I collected her he had used a branded one that she had reacted to. He denied it was the suncream.

Today I collect her again and she is head to toe in an itchy horrible rash - his explanation is it’s not the suncream as he has used it before a month ago and she was fine.

I’m furious as she’s now having to have piriton and is uncomfortable on another warm day and I don’t want to put anything more on her already angry skin.

The courts don’t care about this level of negligence - the father is always more important than the child’s needs in court. In my opinion it’s a form of child abuse as he knows she’s allergic to suncream yet he is purposefully exposing her to harm.

What would you all do please and am I being unfair for being so angry

As someone with eczema he is being a massive cunt. As he won't change I'd buy him a bottle of the correct one and say he is to use that. How annoying

you should send the suncream with her, you would if it was medicine she needed and suncream is no different.

"Send the sunscreen" is the new "cancel the cheque" on here!

He has the right sunscreen he just chooses not to use it to get at op. Thats abusing his child as he can no longer abuse op.

Hope the Dr can help you with a confirmation medical statement op and its on her record that she had a severe reaction caused by the sunscreen.
I wouldnt be sending my kid back as the allergic reactions can get more severe each time. Will he be happy if your child ends up in hospital? I would be asking SS for advice too and going back to my solicitor to have it documented with both to go back to court.
Good luck he doesn't deserve to have his child at all.

Unfortunately he will only listen to judges I think! I mean I will keep trying. I was so upset this morning but she seems to be more comfy now and hopefully it will
Settle. I have steroid cream to put on the bad parts. My GP was also very concerned and will be taking it further as she agrees he’s using her to abuse me.

Let’s hope something more will happen this time. He already has a court order to stop him drinking! He refused when the solicitor asked him. The judge went down very hard on him. I’m hopeful that this can be resolved.

Thank you for all your comments x

I am so glad to hear that the GP is taking it seriously. Hopefully they will be taking it up with SS as a child protection case.

Your poor DD. I used to have horrendous eczema so I sympathise.

I agree with the PPs who have said it's not about the suncream, it's about control. My ex is the same. DS1 is pescetarian (not as important as an allergy) and his Dad and SM refuse to cook vege food. When I asked originally they said they couldn't afford to buy it as well as 'normal' food for everyone else. So I sent a bag of quorn sausages. They binned them as they "dont like cooking that shit". Fucking idiots

He may be vicious and vindictive but he may not be purposely giving his child a rash to get back at you. He could just be thick and oblivious and doesn't notice/remember from week to week about stuff like suncream as he's too self absorbed or has a hangover.
It sounds like he needs reminding day to day of what she needs.
If you are aware that is what he is like, you can't expect that someone like that will suddenly change or grow another part that is fully aware.
Keep sending the suncream or another form of immediate reminder.

Of course it's done on purpose. Eczema is a medical condition. The appearance of being ok is not because it's gone away or isnt as bad as being made out, its because its controlled. Which is hard work and expensive.

Hes not that thick. People that thick wouldnt survive until adulthood. What makes the mum any more capable of remembering stuff than he is?

I would phone social services. This is abuse.

She is 3, so she should be able to tell her daddy she doesn't want different cream soon. My ds has so many allergies and he is the one that suffers, so he became quite independent in deciding what he can have/use from very early age.
Until then, I would send the cream with her. And yes as pp said, it could be something else like detergent or plants in ex's house too.

The pp’s on here excusing the ex’s behaviour! It’s shocking.
No way would you excuse a woman for ‘forgetting ‘ to use the correct suncream or suggest a 3 year old should tell her mum which cream to use and mum just needs reminding. A one off incident may be acceptable but this child has been allergic to the suncream for a year, the guy has no excuse.
You’re all enabling sexism.
He’s a father, he should be just as capable of caring correctly for his child as the mother.

Coffee, of course he should know better. But you cannot change some people, and assume that is part of why he is op's ex. And best thing for her is someone responsible making sure she doesn't suffer, which may mean teach her to say when she is old enough, or sending cream with her and keep reminding ex to use right cream. It's nothing to do with sexism.

Massive sympathy to you, this must be so upsetting and frustrating... My ex once threw away my childs anitbiotics because the Ex felt some vitamins would do just as well! Honestly what was I thinking when I reproduced with such a complete idiot!

It is the lesser of two evils, you cannot always force a neglectful parent to listen or put their hand in their pocket, and at that times it is better to provide what the child needs rather than letting them suffer. Being right doesn’t mean the other parent will follow unfortunately

Aww bless him he is just a silly man who doesnt know that the sunscreen he took from ops home for his dd isnt the one he should be using. He is too thick to know after all this time that his dd is allergic to any other kind even after admitting to op he purposely didn't use the right cream.
Must be that man brain thing where putting his child before himself is not something he can understand!

And expecting a 3yr old to stand up to her dad when he does something which he knows is going to affect her but will tell her its for her own good..really? So its the 3yr olds job to protect herself from her abusive dad? Fuck me i have heard everything now!

Bloody hell op why are you not holding his hand and showing him how to be an adult and a proper father if he is so keen to have his Dd? Its obviously your fault he is an abusive bastard and your job to fix him!

Seriously Op i am really happy to hear your GP is going to get involved in this.
Hope it will help to limit his contact or have supervised contact only. He shouldnt get away with this its a vile thing to do to his own Dd. Good luck you are a fab mum standing up for your Dd.

This is precisely why in instances of abuse within the parental relationship the abuser should categorically not be allowed to have unsupervised access to children. It reminds me of something I saw on TV once to the effect of ‘ a man that hits a woman would also hit a child’. In my (thankfully limited) experience this is true.

That's fantastic that the GP will try to back you on this. It's a step in the right direction.

A friend has different but similar issues and at one point it was only the school stepping in with an official letter that made any difference.

I think the advice from others is good and excellent your GP is involved. Sadly my friend was berated by the judge and CAFCASS for taking photos of injuries when with her ex as taking photos is apparently physiologicaly damaging to the child which was utterly ridiculous!

Just keep going. Follow up with the GP, that's fab, make sure you get them to do what htey can.

They've already flagged his drinking and he's made an arse of himself in court over it? Great.

You will get there.

He’s not stupid at all. He is very intelligent

Basically he can’t abuse me so he’s now starting on my daughter.

Yep, that’s the way it goes, the way to get to you when you no longer care is to hurt the child.

I’m happy you seem to have the GP on your side, but don’t leave it at that, keep that record as you will need it to get the help/protection your DD needs.

If the child was being deliberately injured then everyone would be screaming "police, social services"

This is the same. He is deliberately hurting the child.

I'd be ringing SS and flagging it up as this is physical abuse.

I’m hopeful someone will listen to me. It’s been a year of pure hell to the point you wonder if it’s you creating the drama but that’s what he wants me to think and for everyone else to believe.

With the communication book, as pp said, photograph or scan every page so you have a record even if the page later is removed or an entry changed. If you can use a book with numbered pages, then it will be obvious if any are removed.

Fully date every entry and always write the entries in a calm, measured way just in case it ever gets used in court or DD reads it. Record dates of events like doctors visits in it, so that the chronology is maintained, as it's easy to genuinely forget or for ex to claim that event A happened after, rather than before, event B.

Right I know my username is what it is, but from here on in if one more person writes to “send the cream with the child” or any other variation of that I’m gonna kick some arse!

No advice for you OP, but a lot of sympathy from one mother to another Just remember how far you’ve come to be where you are today.