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Original poster

Ex putting suncream on my daughter

142 replies

CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 09:46

HELP

Very acrimonious split with me ex resulting tin the courts making decisions about childcare and we still can’t communicate in an efficient way.

My DD is 3 she spend a few nights a week with him and we communicate via a book. I wrote in the book to remind him she’s allergic to most suncreams to remind him of the one we have used for the past year. This was back in April. He obviously ignored me and when I collected her he had used a branded one that she had reacted to. He denied it was the suncream.

Today I collect her again and she is head to toe in an itchy horrible rash - his explanation is it’s not the suncream as he has used it before a month ago and she was fine.

I’m furious as she’s now having to have piriton and is uncomfortable on another warm day and I don’t want to put anything more on her already angry skin.

The courts don’t care about this level of negligence - the father is always more important than the child’s needs in court. In my opinion it’s a form of child abuse as he knows she’s allergic to suncream yet he is purposefully exposing her to harm.

What would you all do please and am I being unfair for being so angry

OP posts:
totallyoverthisbullshit · 22/05/2020 11:00

What an awful position for you OP, I'm so sorry.

I would however send a signed GP letter to state she's allergic and send her with a full bottle with the intention it stays at her Father.

I would say in the book, from now on continuing to use the suncream is willfully causing her to have a reaction.

If he does it again, state it's his last chance until you're withdrawing contact.

If he does it again he can see you in court.

It's abuse plain and simple. I suffered allergies terribly as a child and I can remember waking up to blood on the wallpaper above my bed where I'd scratched my itching knuckles raw against it. So for him to purposefully give her an allergic reaction makes him an evil, evil bastard.

Can you contact a solicitor?

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 22/05/2020 11:01

Agree with others, I’d send the sun cream.

Although I wonder how you know definitively that he’s been using the wrong stuff and it definitely caused her reaction.

BlingLoving · 22/05/2020 11:01

I know. And it's all very well for me to say this when I don't have this problem. But it makes me so angry that a father could so casually do something that HARMS his child that I just find it mind blowing.

OP glad you're at the doctor. I would ask for their help too. Explain what's happening. Why you believe it's the sun cream etc.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 22/05/2020 11:02

Also as a total aside, communicating through a book is excellent. I think you should also send him an email with the same information as you write in the book, as if you ever got the the point where you had to take him back to court for deliberately ignoring care advice I wouldn't be surprised if that book suddenly went missing.

CaffiSaliMali · 22/05/2020 11:20

A good idea to keep a record of what's in the book in case it 'goes missing'.

I would take photographs of all posts made in the book so you have your own record of what he's said, and what you have said.

MeganBacon · 22/05/2020 11:22

Document and take pictures. Enclose them in an e-mail to him. Be aware that the may one day be read by the courts - by that I mean you lay out all the facts in one place, including a photo of page in the book where you notified him originally that she was allergic, and citing/evidencing any other dialogue (verbal or written) that you had on the subject. Keep your language civil but you can of course show your frustration. Say that you are concerned this is a form of neglect.
The subliminal message to him should be that you are ready to go back to court, and you are already building your case.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 22/05/2020 11:24

0k, this is what I would suggest. You taker to the doctor tomorrow and explain what the situation is, important thing to stress is about medical needs neglected during contact so it goes in GP record (they may be reluctant to look as if they are taking sides though)

You really need to start a fact based record of the reactions, how she was before she went and how she came, if the reactions are visible take photos and keep them well organised by date. Saying he is not applying the right cream in the weekends doesn’t have much traction in court, it could be a one off after all. But presenting a record that shows a “pattern of neglect” will certainly get their attention.

Obviously, you need to continue doing your best so your kid is ok, even at dad’s house. Sending the exact amount of cream your child needs for the weekend can provide her with the protection she needs without the annoyance of sending full expensive bottles with her that are never returned.

Having photos of the reactions to show your ex may also help him to change his ways, as he is not dealing with the result of his lack of care. If he is not controlling, going to family mediation to sort how you will be taking care of DD and agree on how you will go about caring for any medical needs and communicate information.

Natsku · 22/05/2020 11:28

Report to SS after you've been the doctor, its neglect. My ex used to give our DD foods she was allergic to and she'd come back with nasty eczema. I don't understand how some parents can do this, just to hurt the other parent, not caring about the impact on their children. But his neglect of her medical issues were what eventually led to me getting sole custody and getting child protection involved was key to that so document and report.

endofthelinefinally · 22/05/2020 11:32

I agree with everyone who is saying take pictures, inform GP etc.
I just wanted to mention that piriton can cause severe constipation, so keep an eye on that and give dd lots of fluids, stewed fruit, etc. You don't want another problem.

justanotherneighinparadise · 22/05/2020 11:33

Well isn’t he a prize cunt.

Doyoumind · 22/05/2020 11:35

I've had similar with my ex. I know he does thses things to annoy me, which is really screwed up because it's DC it affects and not me. It is very difficult. You can send suncream but if he's like my ex that's no guarantee it will be used. I agree you need to photograph and document by email as well as in the book. If he doesn't take it on board and you still have a solicitor, you could get them to send a letter emphasising your concerns.

TeddyIsaHe · 22/05/2020 11:37

What a total fucker, I’d be beyond angry if DD’s dad did anything like this. What kind of cunt causes their child actual pain and discomfort to get back at the mother?

Op if it happens again I’d stop contact and he can explain to court why he thinks giving his child an allergic reaction is acceptable.

Fruitytootie · 22/05/2020 11:40

I echo letting your GP know. It will be on her record then so any social services dealings will be aware when they ask for info from GP (if you decide to involve social services).

The GP can also give you a letter which you can show your ex.

Original poster
CPParenttoDD1234 · 22/05/2020 11:43

@Natsku @TheMotherofAllDilemmas thank you for both your advice. Basically he can’t abuse me so he’s now starting on my daughter. It’s definitely not anything else becasue he’s admitted to using the wrong suncream.

OP posts:
Mustbethewine · 22/05/2020 11:43

Can you supply the suncream? Put in a bag for her to take to and from your houses? He'll have no excuse but to use the suncream provided.

Maryann1975 · 22/05/2020 11:44

He’s an absolute twat. My daughter is allergic to the majority of suncream And last year we used one she had been fine with the previous year and it brought her out in a really bad reaction. Her breathing was also affected and the doctors were on the verge of sending her to a and e for monitoring so it can be really serious. It needs to be put in her records that he is doing this.
I don’t really know what to suggest though. He knows what the problem is. Has access to the correct product but chooses not to use it and unfortunately your dd is too young to be able to object to him using the product of his choice. Do make sure the doctor knows exactly what the issue is and see if they can suggest anything. I’m wondering if a phone call to your local safeguarding board might help as him doing this is causing a medical issue for your daughter. You would be able to find their number online. I work in childcare and if You told me this about one of the children I look after, I would consider phoning them for advice.

CambsAlways · 22/05/2020 11:46

Why don’t you give the appropriate sun cream with her

MovinOnUp · 22/05/2020 11:49

Would it be at all possible to get a letter from the doctor stating that this specific suncream should be used to avoid further allergic reactions?
(if you haven't already had the appointment)

Floatyboat · 22/05/2020 11:49

Maybe he was sceptical of your allergy claim and thought you were overreacting. He may change his view now he has seen it but due to communication difficulties can't acknowledge this. Hopefully he will reflect and be more responsible next time.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 22/05/2020 11:53

Get a confirmation from the doctor in writing, or a copy of her medical notes, that make it clear she has this allergy.

Then contact social services.

Wishforsnow · 22/05/2020 11:54

You are right to be angry op. What a pathetic excuse for a dad. Sadly even with the Dr's info the courts will still deem his rights to see her as more important under the guise of saying its in the child's best interest. Hope she is better soon.

Fucktacula · 22/05/2020 11:54

Jesus fucking Christ. This isn't about the ex not using the right cream because he doesn't have any; he's purposely not using it to get a reaction from OP.

Sending the right sun cream won't help!

FizzyGreenWater · 22/05/2020 11:54

How horrible. He 'loves the reaction'? I tell you something, if this is where he is at, one day your daughter will want nothing to do with him.

But in the meantime. You just have to play the long game.

No reaction (from you).

Take dated pictures. Send a calm text advising him that once again, he's used the wrong suncream. Make sure you flag up that he has multiple options for using the right one. Is there a reason that he won't? That you are sorry that you cannot provide your own as from previous experience you know he will not return it and so you would ask once again to use the cream he already has, that his parents have, that he already took from your home. Many thanks. Calm. Polite.

Summer is coming so presumably he will do this more and more.

Photos every time.

Doctors every time.

Record record record.

Health visitor, doctor, school safeguarding lead - flag flag flag.

Make sure they know he has access to cream but continues to use the one he KNOWS makes her react.

It's all you can do.

If it's a comfort - a friend who was in your situation is now at the point where her 10-year old is refusing to see him, and the absolute catalogue of behaviour his mum has relating to this kind of thing has really helped in the courts saying that she can now make this decision.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 22/05/2020 11:55

And I don't agree the OP should have to send the suncream. Suncream is fucking expensive, especially special suncream. He has it; he took it with him. He's not using it to prove his point that he doesn't have to.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 22/05/2020 11:56

My hope is that the doctor will prescribe a suitable sunscreen. It would be a lot harder for him to argue against using something that has been prescribed by a doctor. I'm sorry you're having to struggle with this OP, what a hideous person he is.

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