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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

347 replies

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 20:53

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

OP posts:

Herpesfreesince03 · 21/05/2020 22:21

I sympathise with him. Your children’s club schedules are not ‘another thread’. They are absolutely fucking ridiculous. So he works al week and has the kids every single weekend where he’s running them round clubs. And he’s exhausted and needs a break so wants to alternate weekends. But if he has them in the week to make up for it then he still has to run them round clubs every single day. Your children may enjoy the clubs, but their time and relationship with their dad comes first. I’m assuming it’s not him that’s signed them up to clubs 6 days a week? For this to be fair for both of you something has to give. I’m frankly shocked that you don’t care to spend time with your children, to the point where they’re in school 5 days a week, clubs 6 days a week, then palmed off with dad every single weekend

Original poster

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 22:22

My son needs time with his dad, otherwise the poor kid is surrounded by females!

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2020 22:22

is sat 6pm until Monday 7am EOW reasonable? no op, it isn't. How do you think the kids, will feel?

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2020 22:23

Ok so I'm asking is sat 6pm until Monday 7am EOW reasonable?

I'd say no it isn't and he'll end up with no relationship with him and in a year or two they wont want to go. It'll be a big rejection in their eyes imo.

I think if it's EOW with no midweek, then the weekend needs to be longer and think most folk have said the same.

Original poster

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 22:24

@herpesfreesince03 I work too!!! He's home every night by 5 at the latest, he's not knackered - I'm the one that's knackered

OP posts:

Herpesfreesince03 · 21/05/2020 22:24

All these people pointing out that he only has them from Saturday night, that’s because the daughter has dance on Saturdays and he has to wait for that to finish to collect her

Herpesfreesince03 · 21/05/2020 22:25

Then drop some clubs? Why have you taken on so much?

Paperchainpopp · 21/05/2020 22:25

@WaxOnFeckOff to be honest you shouldn’t compare but in the case I will. Most men are not going to have their kids every weekend and to be honest as a mum I wouldn’t be happy for that arrangement anyway.
Who ever the kids live with they do hold most of the responsibility to juggle it is not fair but it’s how the cookie crumbles a lot of the time.
So OP has to drive to her ex house at 7am on a Monday morning? This is not fair on the kids.

Viviennemary · 21/05/2020 22:26

I think it's fair you each have a weekend off. He could have them a day or two during the week.

Fedhimtotigers · 21/05/2020 22:26

But if he works full time and you work part time and you have two children in full time education then there's a bit of a difference.

To be honest it sounds like a shit show and my sympathies are with the kids.
Neither of you seem to be able to centre them.

Original poster

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 22:27

@herpesfreesince03 they're his kids!

OP posts:

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2020 22:27

I think a lot of posters comment when other DC go to a lot of clubs as A: they don't have DC with strong interests and B: they never encouraged them to have interests as they couldn't be bothered and C: they don't want other kids doing stuff as it makes them feel guilty about B.

Then they post on the teenage board because their DC are up all night gaming, have no friends or are out doing god knows what with god knows who and are out of control...

vanillandhoney · 21/05/2020 22:27

@herpesfreesince03 and? Why can't he drop his daughter at dance and spend the day with his son?

Stripeytopgirl · 21/05/2020 22:28

I don’t understand why the OP is being flamed for not Wanting to spend time with her kids? the dad is saying he only wants to see them twice a month!

I understand he’d like some weekend time free, but I’d tell him the kids would miss him & wouldn’t he miss them only seeing them twice a month? Suggest EOW but he has the children say... picks them up from school Friday, Saturday, Sunday & takes them to school on the Monday.

That would seem reasonable to me.

Love51 · 21/05/2020 22:28

Are your kids getting anything out of you seeing them before school on a Monday? Genuine question, they might well be. But if they're not, I'd get him to do Monday morning school run.
By 13 I'd be chatting this through with the child. You can talk about how they'd like things to be post-lockdown. If Monday morning with mum is a touchstone in their week, keep it. If not, scrap it!

canigooutyet · 21/05/2020 22:28

When we can start going out more, surely the dance classes can reduce anyway? Surely she's still practising?

My teens would offer to do some of the school runs and stuff to give me time. Could that be a possibility? I paid mine, and they started babysitting for others.

And as others have suggested the Fri-Mon thing is a reasonable solution. The older one could easily get from school to dads on a Friday and depending on timings the two of them could get there together.

Monday morning, he drops them off. They don't have to constantly cart everything around with them when they are going to and from homes at the moment, do they? Well aside from homework, school stuff, phones that type of thing.

So what do they want? I'm surprised you haven't asked them yet to be honest.

Every weekend was unbalanced and long term impractical. They are growing up.

You both have equal weekends to fully enjoy.

And which parent ferries them around to and from their homes, is usually down to the one that moved away isn't it? If not, it gets shared.

Spillinteas · 21/05/2020 22:29

Jesus Christ! I think my friends ex is Herpes!

He said shit like this to her.

‘I didn’t sign the kids up to swimming so I’m not taking them’

‘I didn’t sign them up to foot ball so I’m not taking them’

He even refused to take them to birthday parties because it was his time which pretty much consisted of Mac Donald’s and allowed to sit in the iPad all day.

It’s fucking lazy parenting!

The kids as to go and as loving parents we are supposed to facilitate them in after school activity that enhance their lives.

So fucking what if he is exhausted! So I’d OP! But because he’s got a silly between his legs he needs a back rub and a hot bath.

OP he is talking the piss. Get it finalised through a divorce. Any dad that isn’t prepared to put in 50% of the effort is a wanker.

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2020 22:30

Paper I agree that every weekend is a lot, but so is all week. he's not willing to have them in the week so what does that leave?

I think the vast majority , including myself, have said EOW is fine if there is midweek or if not then EOW should at least be a full weekend including taking DC to school on a Monday.

Fedhimtotigers · 21/05/2020 22:30

BS. My son is in his sport 4 days a week. It's about being the grown up and balancing real life, adulting and parenting with real life.

Elieza · 21/05/2020 22:31

Is it not Friday night from after school until Monday morning when he drops them at school EOW that most people do?

Where did the 6pm Saturday come from? That’s what you already do. So he’d be getting them less than he currently does as half the weekends are ruled out. Hence he needs to do more in the weekends that he does have them. Or do weekdays instead to make up for the weekend he’s not seeing them, but you don’t think that will work.

And the 7am Monday means the poor kids have to get up really early. Could they not get up a bit later and he gets them direct to school?

I know it’s hard but at some point if the OW has a baby he will end up not bothering his arse with your two so make sure he gets them lots now to try and make up for that if it happens in the future. Imagine how pissed off you’ll be if you start dating a really nice guy in a few years time and your ex says that he can’t do more than two nights a fortnight. How are you supposed to have a life? He’s a CF, he created the children he should do his bit to look after and pay for them. Nae luck if it messes up his schedule. Women are expected to just get on with it. Why can’t he? He’s self employed so he has no boss?

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2020 22:32

I think we know why Herpes has been Herpes free since 03...

Cornishclio · 21/05/2020 22:32

You need to arrange it between you so you both have time free to yourselves and quality time with the children. It sounds like you get the rubbish time during the week driving them to and from activities and then get the weekend to yourself but no quality time with them. He presumably works during the week (do you both work full time?) and then has the children all weekend. The after school activities and chauffeuring them around during the week without any help from him seems unfair but I think EOW seems fair.

Herpesfreesince03 · 21/05/2020 22:34

They’re yours too?? Except you don’t spend any time with them. He spends more quality time with them from the Saturday night to the Monday morning than you do through the entire week where you’re sticking them in clubs. The problem is op, that you both think you have it harder than the other. You’re both working all week but you’re putting the kids in nightly activities after school. Then he has them all Saturday after their clubs, all day and night Sunday, then drops them off Monday. If you think your work schedule is too much (including running kids round), then you need to scale back on the amount you’re doing. I’m assuming that he has no say in what the kids activities are though, so if he (reasonably) wants a break, then he’ll only get that by cutting back the time he has them.

Wallywobbles · 21/05/2020 22:34

Is your daughter going to make it dancing? Because you'll presumably have a pretty good idea by 10/13. Because her passion pretty much rules all of your lives. And I can pretty much guarantee it's ducking off quite a few people.

Spillinteas · 21/05/2020 22:34

WaxOnFeckOff

Yes!!

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