My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

Multi Vitamins....Do you take them?
If so, do you feel they make a difference?

Ive not been looking after myself so well recently and as a result, Im quite tired (I usually go to bed very late every night but Ive changed this) , I dont drink enough water (changed this) , I do eat a very healthy & varied diet overall but I could definietly do with exercising more !
Ive had a bit of a health concern that ongoing with Dr regarding my white blood cells and Im just wondering if taking a multi vitamin will help my overall well being too.

Thanks

We don't live near family so never had any support. The day that DC were both in the same branch of Scouts and went off to camp together was absolutely the best. I did miss them and gazed wistfully at their empty beds but was I glad for child free time? Of course I was!

To be honest it's not really the same in a 2 parent household - there are obviously lots of advantages, but in reality neither parent is ever really completely off duty. I used to enjoy going to the supermarket by myself! But in reality, even if you were going out for the day with friends, you probably still helped in the morning and evening and same for DH.

I love my DC and enjoy spending time with them but I did have a guilty fantasy of DH and I splitting up and me then having every 2nd weekend to myself.

I don't know many mums who gets regular full child free days no but if you're in a relationship with their Dad youre much more likely to have an hour here and an hour there than a single parent would. When DH comes down I can go take an hour long shower, it's unlikely if we split up I could do the same unless it's his contract day. Which is 36 hours a fortnight in ops case, of which half is asleep time

Questions on finances, well again that is another thread, he pays me a set amount each month, whether this is enough or not I don't know, I walked away from the family home with zero from that, so the monthly payment is all I get.

Well check. You're so passive about all of this. And it's probably because of how he is but it's been YEARS. Check the calculator and see if it's a fair amount. Talk to a lawyer and see if you should have proceeds from the house, pensions and so on. Stop sleepwalking through this.

^ what MrsTP said.

That's a little unfair @dontdisturbmenow I think you'll find most parents enjoy childfree days occasionally! I know I bloody do.

Same here. I love it when I'm able to go away for a couple of days with my DH. It's always when we've arranged something really fun for our DDs to do, i.e. a kids' camp or a sleepover.

And I'm not the sole parent looking after them, my DH and I live together, so we share the load. For a single parent, childfree time will be much more appreciated, I can see that.

^^ Amen to that MrsTerryPratchett

I cant keep pandering to him any longer, no matter how vile he can get. I've had enough
Are you afraid of this man, @johowieorla?

I would talk to a solicitor before talking to him. Is your ex still living in the family home? You need to get the finances sorted and the right of the children to an ongoing relationship with their father acknowledged with a schedule. He can't throw them overboard when a new GF appears on the scene.

Nothing will get his respectful attention like a letter from a solicitor.

You have the upper ha d this time when it comes to making him do stuff he doesn’t want to - his burd wants him to herself every second weekend. Don’t underestimate how much he will do to keep her happy! He may well do the clubs (as he should considering they love them).

If anyone is thinking you’re trying to get rid of the dc to your ex they’ve not read the thread properly. If anything you have them too much! You’re doing all the right things for them to give them as good a childhood as you can. Bending over backwards for them like a living parent does.
However the one thing that you need to do is divorce him and get half the house money etc. Before the other woman gets pregnant and he starts making excuses why she/baby are more important than his other kids/your fair divorce settlement. Do it ASAP You need legal advice. And check his maintenance for them is as it should be.
It’s disgusting the way he tries to twist out if his responsibilities, feckless lazy fucker that he is.

Loving parent. dud. stupid fat thumbs.

I hope that those of you bashing the OP realise that when she says he has them every weekend it's actually only from Saturday evening to Monday morning. And even then OP collects them from his and takes them to school

Well, I do think that choosing to be the resident parent comes with ending up doing an "unfair" amount of the heavy lifting which is something you do need to come to terms with unless you would happily push for 50/50. You feel run ragged because you are the resident parent, and you're choosing to let them do lots of clubs. That's fine but you do need to understand it's the consequence of your own choices.

I don't think every weekend is a good set up for anyone involved, but it sounds like you need to be more firm about things like him taking them to school when he has them anyway, and perhaps having them from Friday on his weekend. When it's his weekend, it's his weekend.

I don't know many mums who gets regular full child free days
It’s really not comparable is it? I’m married so this morning I got tea and a sliced orange in bed while he looked after the boys. The op NEVER gets that. She just wants a day off here and there, why is that hard to understand? It doesn’t make her a bad mother. I took a 3 day trip solo last year, no one reported me to social services funnily enough. Why isn’t the focus here more on the ex who chooses not to ever have his children when it might involve work or taking them somewhere?
Eow , where a weekend is picking them up Friday and dropping them at school mondays. The unfortunate reality is that you can’t make a parent step up though.

Ex currently has one whole day a week to interact with his children, and one evening per week. That's not very much time. He's a lousy father to want to reduce that even further.

But actual reading up a bit... op if you feel up to it, you should see that solicitor and consider assets. If you could make a claim on the home that might definitely help convince him to take the children more and do some of the running around. You get the agreement in writing, defer the claim and say first fuck up we are going to court, that house is half mine. Think of an entire weekend off as your motivation!

@asofanearyou Well, I do think that choosing to be the resident parent...

Hahahahahahaha do you think it sounds like OP had any choice? Does her ex sound like he's they type of parent that puts his kids above everything else, when he's trying to reduce contact to one night a fortnight?

Some days I would love to be able to chose to only have my kids once a fortnight, to chose between staying in every night after they're in bed or legging it to the pub. To choose a holiday outside school holidays, without a kids entertainer, and researching stuff to keep teenagers entertained, when their dad can just swan off whenever and wherever he likes.

What's the choice? One parent fucks off and alleviates themselves from all responsibility so the other (usually the mum, but not always) HAS to take up the slack. What's the alternative? Dumping them with relatives is frowned upon and judged (way more so than the NRP who has done exactly that to the RP with their own kids), abandoning them to social services? There'd be outrage!

Did I choose to parent my kids every single day for the last entire year because their dad hasn't had them to stay in 12 months? Not a fucking chance.

Choose to be a resident parent????

My ex wanted to go to court for access
Fine I said the standard for NRP is eow and a night in the week
Which means fetching from school homework /meals /clean uniform /lunch for next day etc - aka parenting

But he couldn’t possibly ‘do all that’. So had the kids on Friday nights until Saturday tea time
Until he lost his house.

Currently he sees them for 5 hours on a Saturday afternoon

No I’ve not ‘chosen’ to be a resident parent
I’ve chosen to be a responsible grown up who puts the kids first because their ‘father’ can’t be bothered

OP I haven't had time to read full thread but are you saying that he is proposing eow in that he'll see them 4 days a month (approx)?

@aSofaNearYou Are you a resident parent?

the post was stating that my ex wants less time and I was asking for people's thoughts as to what is reasonable.

It has been pointed out a lot that EOW is much more normal, however you've got top do what's right for your dc, especially as they're well old enough to make their own decision (and if it went to court, they would be asked).

Every family does things differently depending on what's right for them. My ex-h only has dc one day a week, for about 8 hours 10am-6pm, sometimes not at all if dc have an away competition in sport and we have to travel. Very rare overnights in the school holidays, very rare midweek contact (e.g. he might phone on a birthday). I don't think it's ideal for dc to have so little contact, but equally I don't think he's a great father and dc don't particularly like spending time with him so it's about all that's going to happen. It's not perfect, but it's the best I'm going to get out of him.

If you think EOW for the whole weekend (excluding dd's activity) is what's best for your kids and they agree, then you have to take steps to push for that, as advised multiple times above.

Are you a resident parent?

No, are you a NRP?

In my opinion, 50/50 is a workable solution, but you see women on here all the time arguing that children need to have a main residence for the sake of stability and that's just the way it is.

Some people's experience will be dad's who fuck off and don't want anything to do with their kids, but to be honest my experience is mainly men who would love to have the kids full time, but it's assumed the mum will be doing that. Many on here would defend that as the "right" way. On the flipside, as the resident parent you get to be the one that actually raises your own kids and sees them most days, whilst the NRP often ends up with a comparatively distant or strained relationship.

My point wasn't anything malicious, just that she wouldn't be so tired if she wasn't the resident parent, or pushed for 50/50. If a RP wouldn't happily only have them half the time or less, then it's a one way road to bitterness to fixate on how "unfair" things are. No matter how you look at it, it's unfair on everyone.

I wasn't defending OPs ex specifically, just the notion that him having more spare time than her is worth railing against on the basis that it's unfair.

This thread has taken an strange turn...I've been with DH for 15 years so have never been a single parent, but I have very close friends who are and I wouldn't bloody swap it for the world. Yes, I might always be 'on duty' but it's a shared duty, in which there is another adult to answer annoying questions, to troubleshoot problems and to break up squabbles. There's also someone to share the mental load with, the shopping, the bills, the cleaning, cooking and organising. Not to mention the financial burden - it's bloody hard running a house on one wage and that's a huge stress in itself. So while I occasionally envy my single friends their nights of freedom, I think they've totally earned them and that the respite helps to keep them afloat to do a very tricky job. I'm not at all sure how the OP has been ended up getting a bashing here, she's done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I'm surprised you think he 'adores' them. His actions don't demonstrate that.

EOW is pretty standard. You both get a weekend with the kids - free time with no school commitments - and you both get a weekend off to do your own thing. I honestly think that seems like a good option. I see what you mean about him not seeing them for two weeks though so could you not suggest a weeknight visit?

Do you feel like he's doing this because he just can't be bothered to have them? If so it would upset me a bit too. And surely kids will question why the arrangements have changed

No, I don’t think seeing them from sat night to Monday morning every other weekend is enough. It’s only just over two days a month. It’s shit for them. I guess he’s just not that into his kids. But you can change that, unfortunately.

Sorry, you can’t change that. What would he say about having them in the week? Apart from the fact that he can’t cope (be bothered)