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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

347 replies

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 20:53

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 21/05/2020 21:11

Why 'can't'he cope during the week?

Waveysnail · 21/05/2020 21:11

Or suggest week about. Week at hos and week at yours

TeaAddict235 · 21/05/2020 21:12

are you both essentially trying to get rid of them on to the other person? Sounds like you both are.

As they are probably being homeschooled at the moment, he needs to do some teaching too (I am assuming that you are the main homeschooler at the moment). Can he not take them (while there is no school) one week wed-sat? Then once school starts you alternate the weekends?

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/05/2020 21:14

'Ohh excellent, which weekdays would you like instead?'

mamascorpio · 21/05/2020 21:15

I would advise that you speak to a solicitor about a divorce.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2020 21:17

If the midweek activities are too much for you then get your DC to pick their favourites and ditch the rest. No point running yourself ragged and as your ex hasn’t ever had them midweek it’s not up to him to facilitate commitments you’ve made for them.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 21/05/2020 21:18

Stop doing the running for him; tell him he'll have to pick up and drop off on his weekends if that's all he's doing.

WhippedCreamInARoll · 21/05/2020 21:18

He doesn't get to "not cope" during the week. EOW plus at least one evening every week. When do you get to have a life??

Grumpos · 21/05/2020 21:18

It’s a bit crap that you have to do all the weekday running around I agree - but that’s a bit of a separate issue. You will have to talk to him about facilitating some of their school / clubs etc.

However you’ve said he gets time for the gym etc and you don’t but until now you’ve had every weekend off? So that’s not particularly fair either.
Everyone needs a bit of both - which is why EOW is so common.

Have you asked the kids how they feel? They may be pleased to go to EOW! But def talk to him about picking up some slack in the week.

Original poster
johowieorla · 21/05/2020 21:20

Thanks so far to you all.
This is the current situation, I pick the kids up from his house 7 miles away on a Monday morning. I do school runs and clubs, my daughter goes to dance school every night after school (I wish she wouldn't sometimes but it's her passion), which I share the driving with another mom, the dance school is 15 miles away. She dances all day Saturday, so usually he picks her up from there on sat and has them until
Monday morning when I pick them up.
He won't have them in the week.
I feel run ragged and look forward to my free Sunday if I'm completely honest.
We don't have anything set on stone and have always been fairly amicable and worked with each other, if I wanted to take them away for the weekend or vice Versa but he has just sprang this on me and I don't know what i should be thinking

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 21/05/2020 21:20

You need to get properly divorced.
You need a proper financial settlement.
You need a visitation and parenting time schedule that includes school holidays.
EOW is pretty standard but there are usually arrangements for school holidays, bank holidays, Christmas.
If he cuts back to EOW then he needs to send more money for the feeding and care of the children for those extra four days per month.

No clubs or sports are open right now or for the foreseeable.
Are they home with you all the time except for weekends? Maybe until schools definitively reopen you should do 50-50, if he is at home during this time.

It really does sound as if you both resent having to spend time with the children, to be brutally honest, and not a happy experience at all for the children.

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 21:23

What do the children want?

Fedhimtotigers · 21/05/2020 21:23

When do you actually spend time with the kids?

I'm now more concerned about how they must feel over nobody wanting to be around them.

Marsalimay · 21/05/2020 21:26

have always been fairly amicable and worked with each other,

Doesn't sound like it.

Enchantmentz · 21/05/2020 21:26

Obviously every weekend doesn't suit him now but compromise shouldn't be one sided. He needs to agree to facilitate contact on weekdays or support you with running the kids about to clubs etc. Maybe the weeks that precedes his weekend of no contact rather than every week as a minimum. Kids are 10 and 13 which are not difficult ages to manage so he just needs to cope.

Or switch to longer stays with him so instead of just every other weekend as he suggests extend that to midweek or so.

Hope you find a fair and decent outcome.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 21/05/2020 21:26

On his weekend, cant he have them from Thursday night to monday morning so you get thursday and friday evenings to yourself instead of Sunday?

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2020 21:28

When you say he can’t cope with them during your week, do you mean he doesn’t want to spend all night driving to and from activities?

ivykaty44 · 21/05/2020 21:29

im horrified that some parents think they can drop their children like hot potatoes when it doesn't suit them

of course its una=fair, this is the children time with their parent

if he wants to alter the day then it needs to be sorted but to go to 4 days per months from 8 is hardly fair on the children - what will they think ffs

Marsalimay · 21/05/2020 21:29

Separated or not, it sounds as though there are too many dance classes.

Longdistance · 21/05/2020 21:30

So, he wants them 4 days a month? Because he can’t cope. Diddums, tell him to suck it up.
Get your divorce sorted ASAP including the financials.
Is he meeting the CMS amount or less?

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 21/05/2020 21:30

Sadly it doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not...you can’t make him have them when he chooses not to.
I agree that EOW and if possible a day in the opposite week.
I’m sorry it’s all gone a bit shit.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/05/2020 21:32

But if he has them every other weekend then he can collect Friday from.school, do the dance on Saturday, keep them all DAY Sunday and drop them at school Monday.

Original poster
johowieorla · 21/05/2020 21:33

Ouch, I by no means am trying to get out of having my kids!!! They have been with me 24/7 the last 2 months and I've loved it, so please no more that I'm trying to pass them
off! The kids currently don't know what he has said and they are really really happy kids who both know that both parents adore them and neither are involved in our discussions.
I will speak to him further but when he's vile, he is vile so need to choose the right moment.
I just wanted to know others thoughts and if I was being unreasonable or not

OP posts:
raspberryk · 21/05/2020 21:34

Eow, half the holidays and 1 or 2 in the week would be better. Or eow Weds or Thurs to Mon.

Pathetic he can't cope with 2 kids their ages, he just needs to be thrown in at the deep end.

snappycamper · 21/05/2020 21:35

Sounds like he's just picking and choosing the bits he wants to do and that's totally unfair on you. At the very least he should be responsible for collecting them from school on Friday evening and getting them back there on Monday morning. Every other weekend would feel like a more appealing prospect then surely?

I'd be consulting a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings in your position.

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