My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

Is your daughter going to make it dancing? Because you'll presumably have a pretty good idea by 10/13

Ah dd your shit your never gonna make it so knock it on the head will ya!

Ffs!

This sounds so much like the other side of the post where the newly married wife was complaining about having the DSC every weekend and wanted DH to ask for every other!!

So what do you think he would say to Thurs evening to Monday (him taking them to school) EOW?

@Spillinteas that’s not what I said at all, is it? There needs to be a balance though. I have 3 children, they do swimming, gymnastics, cross country and multi sports. 2 are before school clubs, 2 after but are both finished by 4.30pm. One finishes at 8.30pm (longer if they’re competing). But there is a happy balance. I have plenty of time with them after school 3 days a week, and their weekends are totally free. I don’t take them to clubs 5 nights a week, send them to another club saturday, then complain that I’m too busy running them round all week and their dad actually wants a break every other weekend when he normally has them every single weekend

I had most of my best discussions with my DC when taking them to activities.

I'm sure the OP spends plenty of time with DC, having breakfast, getting them from school, having dinner etc and all day saturday with her son and every evening with him. 13 year olds are already breaking away to have their friends as their main social circle, spending time in the car really develops relationships. then there are all the holidays too.

Do either of you ever see them? Sounds like they are always at school or clubs. Poor children need some family time.

@Herpesfreesince03 I think you do have a point. The dynamic changes when you split from somebody. There’s far too much going on during the week. So my the time the weekend arrives OP must be exhausted. A compromise is needed is both are working full time I think it would be fair to discuss cutting down on the weekly activity if your expecting him to do some running around too.

@Spillinteas there’s also the fact that the father only has them one and a half days a week to consider (and they’re in a club on the half day). If your oh had the children 5 and a half days a week, and you had them just over 1, would you not be annoyed if weekly swimming lessons/other activities were scheduled on the 1 full day a week you had them?

I think it would be fair to discuss cutting down on the weekly activity if your expecting him to do some running around too

Expect him to do some running around too? They are his kids!

How horrible it must be to be told you can’t continue a club your invested in because daddy needs a rest

She says she works PT @Paperchainpopp

I can see why every Sat night is not really working for them. Esp as your kids arrive with them quite late so they probably don't then just want to get a sitter and go out. I wonder whether EOW could work for you both if it was a proper weekend - i.e. Friday after school (or 5 at least so it's after work) and then he takes them to school on Monday morning (or drops them at yours for them to walk from there if that works better with timings). You'd get a longer period of time away from them but less often. You may find that now they are older, it will be nice to spend some Sundays with them doing your relaxing things. Does he have them extra time in the holidays too?

Herpes no because I’d be bloody proud and enjoy watching them doing something they enjoyed and were invested in rather that sitting in front of a screen. If I hadn’t seen my kids all week I’d want that. I’d want to be a part of something they loved.

My dh took dd to ballet every Saturday because that was his time with her. It really isn’t that hard to do.

I think it depends how invested you are in your kids tbh

@Herpesfreesince03 thanks for your input but I am not shoving my kids on activities - they both WANT to do these activities and believe me I would rather they stop but it's their choice- not mine or their fathers. Surely that shows that we are putting the kids first before our own???? Shall I stop them and get them to sit at home all night with me, disliking me for stopping them doing the things they LOVE??????

@Herpesfreesince03 but that's not what he is saying or asking for? From the OP's posts he doesn't want to do any of the running around, He just wants to reduce his time with his kids? Most people are suggesting that the time be changed from every Sunday to every other weekend, that weekend being from Fri night and him doing the drop off to school on Monday.

If the kids don’t mind I’d insist that he does Friday - Monday morning EOW clubs included.

@Spillinteas did you just read only one part?

The activities are taking up a lot of time and over spilling onto the other child too. Why are the kids having set off from their dads and faff around to go with their mother at 7am on a Monday morning instead of dad just taking them to school??
When you read this thread it’s like this because of the activities!!
Someone also mentioned if OP met a new partner it’s true they would want to spend time together it’s true.
The ex should be picking up the kids and dropping off more absolutely. However the current schedule is chaotic because OP has chosen to do so much in the week.

@Paperchainpopp I agree. They both have it too hard. But the op is the one that’s making it harder for the both of them. His request is not unfair. If she’s finding it hard work then it probably is for her. So what’s the solution? Every other weekend is fair imo as they both need down time as single parents. The dad is working full time, and the op is only working part time, so it’s fair imo for her to take them to clubs through the week. It’s the op herself that’s made all these clubs sound like ridiculously hard work, and these seem to be the problem. No one gets a break

I think EOW is fine but he should take them from after school on Friday and drop them at school on Monday.

I'm so surprised by the responses on here. Of course it's unfair for one parents to do all the unfun weekday stuff all the time, and the other just to do a nice fun Saturday night to Monday morning every other week?? Even if the kids had no clubs that would be completely unfair.

And there is NOTHING wrong or abnormal about needing and wanting time off from parenting! It doesn't mean you don't love your kids and enjoy their company for goodness sake! Time to yourself, where you can decide what you want to do with your own time, is essential to staying sane and staying happy for most people (at least those who are lucky enough to be able to have it). For context, I have a 2 year old son who I co-parent with my ex. I do most of the weekday stuff because my ex's work starts too early for my son to be able to stay over with him in the week. To make it fair, I get more weekend time off. I really love my son - and I really love my time off. In fact having time off makes you enjoy your kids even more when you're with them.

YANBU OP.

@spillinteas thankyou!

@Spillinteas you’re just making up scenarios now. For a start the majority of kids clubs in my experience don’t have the parents sit and watch the enjoy themselves, and why can’t they enjoy themselves actually spending time with the parents not at clubs? And if you’re not taking your kids to clubs every single night then you’re not proud and they must be sat in front of screens? 🙄

I think EOW is fair that's what me and my ex do but he lives miles away so does fuck all else and does not pay.

The new girlfriend doesnt sound lovely at all, who stands by a man who is a useless father?????????

@mswales yes I'm surprised too at the responses! Didn't think my kids clubs would come into this as it's really not the issue. And yes I do look forward to my one day a week breathing space and I'm starting to feel guilty for that now

Op, well there doesn’t seem to be a compromise with you. But you can’t make your oh spend time with the children if he doesn’t want to. So now you get to take the children to their clubs 6 days a week and have them for half the weekends. Their dad has no incentive to take them during the week when he’s only going to be giving them lifts instead of spending time with them. Perhaps consider compromising on the weekday activities and he may be more inclined to help. Good luck

But the clubs are apart of the issue.
You can't just say he's the problem.
There are a clusterfuck of issues here.