My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

Unfortunately, reasonable goes out the window when the other parent decides that they no longer want to parent. I think you should stop focusing on what is fair or reasonable and only think about the best you can do for you and your children.

I'm afraid it's fairly standard to have them EOW. but it's the dance class stuff that's killing you more than him isn't it?

If he has them EOW, can he take them on Friday evening and keep them until Sunday morning? Then you get the whole weekend.

You can't force an ex to have the children unfortunately. Mine doesn't even have them overnight anymore and it sucks.

Most people want to see their kids more rather than less.

Why wouldn’t you want to hang out with your kids on the weekend?

Who do you think it is not fair to?

Most children would like to have weekend/leisure time with both of their parents, so every other weekend is perfectly fair in that respect and best for the children.

Ideally he should have/see them during the week too. This should take precedence over hobbies.

OP I think PPs were implying that he's trying to get out of seeing the kids, not you!

YABU but you and he need to split the weekend time

It will be lovely for you to have weekend time since at the moment you would only get evenings when at school.

It seems fair to me. If you are close could he have a night or two over the week?

Believe me - it's really shit for kids when their parents start fighting about getting 'time off' from them not getting time with them.

If your DD dances all day Saturday and he collects the kids after then he isn't even having them for a full weekend. I assume you have the other child a Saturday while DD is dancing? If he's having late Saturday until Monday morning then I'd tell him he has to keep the current arrangement as 1 day/2 nights is really not much.

OP it doesn't read at all (to me) like you dont want your kids - no idea why people are saying that.
I think you should get the ball rolling on divorce. Your current arrangement doesn't sound fair and neither does the one he's proposing. Is he a good dad to them?
I suggest you put forward an arrangement for you... also 3 nights til 9 is just too much. I'd cut it back to two unless you can find a way that he can facilitate at least one of those nights.
What do the kids want?

Well it's shit op. He's made a unilateral decision he cba to see his kids as much anymore and no doubt it'll be you telling them, you dealing with the fall out, you changing your life to meet his "needs".

If daughter is at dance all Sat and he collects her from there, when does he have the other child from?

OP it doesn't read at all (to me) like you dont want your kids - no idea why people are saying that.

I think it’s the “he gets time to go the gym” and “I need Sundays to myself” stuff.

OP, who has the other child every Saturday during the day when the dancing one is busy, you or their dad?

What do you mean by “he won’t cope” though.

Does he not drive? Is it his working hours?

Feels a bit shit for the kids to be honest
Dad has moved on a bit clearly
And mum (understandably ) wants her me time

But isn’t weekend time nicer than rushing week days ?

Op why can’t he pick up on Saturday mornings and take them to school on a Monday?

Jeez OP, some people seem to think it's up to them what activities your DC undertake.

Whilst I think he is being a bit shit, i do think that it works better when each parent gets time at a weekend. He needs to be making more effort during the week and facilitating his DCs interests. If he picks up from dance then presumably he also drives? So not sure why he has you take them to school on a Monday.

I think PP posters idea of Thursday after school through Monday (with him taking them to school) EOW is a good compromise.

If he doesn't want to keep to 8 days a month then he needs to start paying you for the extra costs.

Both DC are getting older and will be making a decision about what contact they want themselves, if he doesn't want that decision to be that they can't be bothered going to see him then he needs to step up a bit. Soon their influences will be seeing their friends rather than schlepping off to dads.

They also won't need much watching soon and you'll both have a bit more freedom in the weekends and evenings.

I have my son until Saturday around 6pm

I just feel it's unfair that I'll be doing all the running around, until 9 at night 3 x a lot week and he's having lots of spare time to go to the gym etc

You want to be the resident parent then you accept the responsibility that goes with it.
You can always send them to live wit their dad and pay him maintenance, then he can have the hassle of running round after them?

EOW is fair - it means you both get a weekend free to yourselves and a weekend to spend some quality time with the kids.
You don't need to do the driving - if he wants to see them he can sort it or pay you for petrol etc

At some point you'll be wanting to meet someone and you'll appreciate having a weekend to yourself

Yes the dancing is a lot but it's her absolute passion and if I took that away from her, she would be devastated, she's been doing it since she was 5 so it's the norm for us all

as he can't cope with having them in the week and taking them to school and their clubs

Why can't he cope exactly? They're his children. He's going to have to figure it out and start parenting.

They deserve weekend time with you too, and you shouldn't be doing all of the running around.

EOW is reasonable, if he is doing his share during the week.

Does he drive and have his own car? If his working hours mean he can’t take the kids to clubs then he should collect them and drop them home to you, if you are dropping them.

What would you like?

Could he do 50% if the club pick ups during the week and the collect them from you every other Friday after school and drop them to school on Monday morning so you get a full weekend off?

He does sound like he wants to be a part time parent.

If he doesn’t want to compromise, then your only option is to get a legal contact arrangement in place.

OP, My Dc were out doing stuff every night of the week, between Scouts, Swimming, Judo, Art classes, library groups etc etc etc. It was like that from age 4 or 5 onwards then tailed off from 16-18. We sometimes shared driving with other families or sometimes just had to split it between DH and I or sometimes i did it all if DH was on shifts, despite having a full time job myself.

But if our DC are interested and engaged and enjoying themselves then that's what you do for them if you can. I could certainly see it far enough sometimes, but I still did it and it sounds like you are similar.

Your ex really needs to step it up and take some responsibility though sounds like that wont be an easy conversation. So he at the moment he's having them one full day plus an evening and 2 nights with you facilitating most of that for him.

Is there a particular reason that you take them to school on Mondays? Does he pick up on Saturdays?

So he only does sat evening to Monday morning every week? As others have said, can he now take them Fri evening and drop them to school on Monday?

Yes the dancing is a lot but it's her absolute passion and if I took that away from her, she would be devastated, she's been doing it since she was 5 so it's the norm for us all

But you're the one complaining that you have to do all of the driving around for it

If you're happy to spend time with your children (that you decided to have) then it wouldn't matter if you get to see them an extra day a fortnight.

EOW is fair - it means you both get a weekend free to yourselves and a weekend to spend some quality time with the kids.
But it isn't a weekend is it. Op has her son til 6 pm on a Sat and he only has the kdis from Sat night til Monday. Does he do their dinner Sat or is that on op too? He can't possibly take them to school Monday or even bring them home, can't manage a night in tbe week just for dinner. If you count sleep time he's having them, what? 38 hours? That's not even 2 days. And now he's just halved thst without a thought for the kids.