My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

EOW is totally reasonable and very common in these situs. I don’t think this needs to be escalated into something awful. I could understand if your ex was saying he doesn’t want to see the kids at all but EOW still means he has one weekend with them and one weekend free to spend with his partner, that is not unreasonable. The horrified comments about lawyers and immediate divorces seem a bit OTT. I get it will be a change OP but you can’t MAKE him spend more time with the kids, and I would have thought them being pretty much teenagers now they will be glad of the alternate weekends free to spend time with friends.

But his EOW is really one day and part of one evening. What kind of a father spends so little time with their children?

Pretty much all separated parents I know the Dads have the kids EOW (Saturday daytime, overnight then take home on Sunday, or some Friday night till Sunday lunch time) Its not a massive amount of time but its also not a massive drama, you all just get on with it. The only times I know of where the Dad has the kids more is when he doesn’t have a partner or isn’t working. Its understandable he wants to spend every other weekend with his partner I don’t think that makes him a terrible Dad.

Can you tell him any hours he drops needs to be made up on a different time

So he only really has them
Say eve to Monday morning ,
Maybe suggest eow is fine but he has them from Friday evening until Monday and drops them to school
That way you get a whole weekend to recharge your batteries and then he does some running around as well

As for clubs that's your choice my boys did football and rugby and different nights so training took up 4 nights and football sat no rings rugby sun mornings and sun pm so our whole weekend but that's our choice and I know if we split we would of continued to take them as it's about the kids not us .
But again op I would say if he had them fri- mon( takes to school ) every other week that would give you some time off running around and while your daughter as it dance he could spend some one on one with your ds

I don't know many mums who gets regular full child free days

I do. I had to get creative and gave op some of the solutions I had to use. Otherwise, I would have had no child-free days for way too long.

I'm the only family in my children's life.

When things got hectic because of various parties, work, school, etc, we sat and discussed it because we had to work together. When they started secondary, they would ask if I wanted them to drop off the younger one, even when it was out of their way, same after school.

Are people not reading what the op said he has them from sat night until Monday morning when op collects them so doesn't spend every weekend as such , he still has his Friday night and Saturday day to himself. But going forward eow would be fair if he had them from Friday night until Monday morning took them home or to school
That way both parents get a whole weekend to their self's
As for clubs if the kids enjoy and op is happy to run round why not , we did with ours and eventually as they get older they often drop bits their selves but better than them sat at home on Xbox or watching tv surely

IMHO, @Jen4813, yes, it does mean he’s not a good father. He could take them during the week as well, but it seems he can’t be bothered.

Have you tested the won't take to school part?
Here's the school stuff they will need. Enjoy.

Okay, they might miss that first one or be late. It's not the end of the world, and let the school explain to him the importance.

Tell him Friday he will pick them up from their activities or school and take them to school on Monday. You will inform the school of the new arrangements and make sure they have his contact details.

If he doesn't pick up/drop off it will be him that's at fault. And if are called because he's late, oh sorry, you would have to phone X, I wouldn't have a clue why he is late.

And op, can I also suggest maybe having a look

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

“Can you tell him any hours he drops needs to be made up on a different time”

Some comments are getting a bit silly now. OP have you spoken to the kids? Most 10 and 13 year olds would love to be seeing their friends at weekends so this might work out better for everyone. I really don’t think making demands and threats will help, it could all get messy and bitter.

If he wants eow then he has to do a full weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning and let him take responsibility for picking up and dropping off whether that be school or dance class. Then you both get some time out.

He should probably meet them midweek also but not sure you can force that on him.

Rightly or wrongly he doesnt 'have' to do anything. If an ex started laying down the law to me I know what I'd say. All those clubs are ridiculous. Moderation in all things. Every other week sounds very reasonable.

Thanks for everyone's input, I totally agree with the vast majority EOW fri- mon. This is what I'm going to go armed with now I know that this is the reasonable time, which is all good with me, I'd get a whole weekend with the kids and then a whole weekend off too. Thanks so much this has been a great help and really confirmed my thoughts all along.

@Viviennemary no I will not go full time putting youngest in child care and leaving the eldest sat at home alone until 6:30 and cancel their clubs - not the life for us but thanks for your thoughts.

I’ve been surprised by some of the responses. The children are 10 and 13 so not particularly needy and the dad can’t be bothered. I suspect the OP has had years of the dad being useless even when she lived with him. Being the resident parent is going to take much more emotional energy eg issues around school, taking time off for sickness etc.

The activities will be important for the children. I’d be happy if mine developed a passion for something.

No-one has really mentioned holidays either. What does he tend to do during school holidays? Does he pull his weight there and take time off with the children during the week?

No, are you a NRP?

No DH and I are together @aSofaNearYou, I asked you because I was puzzled by your 'chose to be a resident parent' comment. It sounded like you were defending the ex and almost like as you thought that if the OP 'chose' to be resident parent then she should lump it, almost. Though I accept that's not what you meant, from reading your subsequent post.

In many cases of friends that I have who have separated/divorced, the NRP will have the children EOW from Friday-Monday then perhaps a night during the week, I think that's more 'normal' than a day and a half every other weekend isn't it. That's about 3 days a month, I can't fathom any decent parent wanting to spend so little time with their child/ren.

The problem here is you can't force him to do anything. That is not in any way to say he is being reasonable, he isn't.

But comments saying things like 'tell him to pick up any last hours in the week' etc aren't helpful because you cannot make him do anything or see his children as sad as that is.

I'd definitely suggest picking up time in the week and the Fri-Mon EOW but unfortunately he can't be made to do either of those things.

It's not about forcing him to do it, he's been doing it for 5 years so he has to keep on doing it, his children are his responsibility too.

EOW with a midweek visit is fine.
On the other hand, the OP has loaded up their schedule so there actually ISN'T that midweek time together. I can totally understand not wanting to just be that nights taxi. All this talk about not curbing the daughters passion etc but is it that? Sometimes we all have to compromise and giving up one night is really not a big deal. Unless it suits the narrative to be the ever pleasing martyr. Which, let's face it, we've all seen before.
I've been a separated parent with kids who did have to move things around a little so it suited everyone. I can't fathom that level of bowing to the children where they can't even give up one night of activities.

Your kids grow up so quickly so if you can manage to work p/t round them then it's better for you. You perhaps should be sorting out your legal situation and finances. Will your pension be compromised by your part time work due to child care? That's a forgotten cost.

I think you could do the Fri to Mon eow with your ex taking them to school Mon. As your dd is nearly 14 if your ex didn't want to do the dance run and it's not a pooled run then suggest he pays for a taxi for her, using a female driver from a firm you've checked out. You could be booking the taxi for her so you know she's able to go.

Did you manage to discuss things with your ex OP ?