My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

YANBU. Saturday evening to very early Monday morning EOW is not enough quality time? I may have missed it but did you say why he feels this way? He's not running round after the children either. He picks his eldest up from once class and can't even be bothered to take the children to school.
He's lazy and doesn't sound like a good dad.
Get official contact sorted so he can't just change it when he feels like it.

@Spillinteas
No parents watch their kids play football, swimming, rugby, tennis ect over your end then??

Hardly ever over this end.

Everyone carpooled. Kids were dropped off by one or two parents and picked up by others. (Same went for kids' parties actually).

That way nobody ended up knackered and people with other children and busy lives could take care of all that needed taking care of.

The exception was sports for the youngest kids, but this really only applied to sports that were played on weekend mornings.

@johowieorla, why haven't you officially divorced yet or sought a legal financial settlement?

Is it because of this?
...when he's vile, he is vile so need to choose the right moment.

Do you value keeping things amicable and are you the one who compromises every time in order to keep him from being vile?

When a man is capable of turning nasty, I wouldn't fancy the chances of a 13 year old keeping up her Saturday dance classes, unfortunately. If he doesn't feel like facilitating that then he won't. Or if he feels you are dictating to him how he should spend his Saturday morning or evening he won't. Or he might just take out his wrath about being forced to do EOW by refusing to do the dance class ferrying, or any other dropping off or picking up to do with activities or the DCs' social lives.

Honestly, if you are ok with the arrangement you have now, I would fold your arms and tell him it's not going to change except for the bit about you picking them up for school on Mondays. He gets to do that from now on.

This weekend it'll be a year since my ex had the kids. 12m of doing every fucking thing for my two, every weekend, every club, every school run, every revision session, every single aspect of parenting on my own, and with the nightmare of homeschooling on top whilst trying to keep on top of wfh.

It's shit when the non-resident parent decides to reduce then cut contact, but at least you'll get some fun time with them at weekends whilst dad will also have some of the kid-free social time too. Imo he should step up to an overnight in the week both weeks...

He ‘won’t’ collect them from two different schools and ‘doesn’t like running around to their different clubs’? What a wazzer.

Does he show he cares for his children and out them first in other ways? Spend quality time with them, 1:1 and also without his gf at the weekend?

I'd say it's fair that you both have some weekends to yourself although I'd also expect him to pick up the time in the week so that the kids don't miss out on days with him. 7 miles away isn't too far to help out with school runs etc.

Wow, there is some really odd dynamics here. You are facilitating him to a huge extent. If he wants to be a parent then he has to put the effort in, you are letting him have it all his own way. Yes I think kids should see both parents if at all possible, but I worry about the example you are setttng to them, that mummy does all the grunt work and daddy swans in once a fortnight. You need to get a bit more back bone and a divorce toot sweet. There is no reason to continue with habits from when you are married.

Weekends start at Friday school pick up and end on Monday school drop off. I cannot believe that you are picking them up from his and dropping them at school for no reason other than he can't be arsed. If he wants to be daddy, this is part of it.

You need a divorce. If he is really pig headed, then a contact arrangement won't force him to see his kids more, but he will hear in court what is generally viewed to be fair (eow plus one night mid-week) and will have to actually request to have his kids substantially less that this, with no rationale other than he can't be arsed. He will also have to pay more maintenance.

I get the sense that you prioritize everyone else's needs above your own, and are really hesitant to rock the boat. You maybe could do with thinking about what you need and want a bit more and figuring out how to get it.

As a child of divorced parentsthat did a competitive team sport (rowing), I absolutely get why your dd has to be there, also good for you to supporting her. Your dd is absolutely going to remember who did and did not support her passions. And she will remember it for the rest of her life! In the next couple of years she will both become more independent (is there anyway she can get from yours to dance class on a Saturday morning on her own in the next year?) Independence and a lie in for you!

I think really you need to get a divorce. Why don’t you want one?

OP, yanbu. Your ex clearly wants a weekend to himself with his partner. You absolutely do need time off from your children. What a slog you go through day in day out! He's enjoying his new found free time on lockdown and has sprung this on you out of the blue.

Take control and give him options that suit you:
A) stick with current arrangement
B) he has them eow, but this is extended from pick up after school on Thursday up until Monday morning. He picks up each Thursday meaning you're free from Thursday morning
C) he has them eow from Friday through to Mon, plus one overnight each week doing all pick ups and drop offs

Take legal advice and get a court order. Get the money you're entitled to and ensure his payments to you go through the CSA too.

If he has them eow it should be Friday - Monday and him doing yeh running. Also you should get maintenance.

*Sorry child support

I'd tell him that EOW sounds great. He can fetch them from school on a Friday and return them to school on a Monday every other week.

That way you get a whole weekend every other week with the kids and a whole weekend every other week to yourself, just like he will.

This Saturday 6pm till you pick them up from him on a Monday is a shit deal for you.

You need to formalise all this though. Get divorced, get the arrangements set in stone and let him do some of the grunt work!

mathanxiety are you in the U.K.? Carpooling isn’t the norm here. If it was that would be amazing.

OP because of that fact that he is unwilling to bend to Friday night pick ups, school drop offs, midweeks or clubs I think your going to have to take it on the chin. It’s unfair and YANBU. But it’s case for many many fathers who once they get a new partner they or their new partner want kid free time. Your a good mum bit you’ve got to bite the bullet and divorce him. He sounds like a right wanker. Get some good support and prepare for him to be vile. Good luck

If you’ve been in a relationship with a man who can be horrible you tend to fall back in submissive role even after the split because it’s easier to keep the peace.

OP hasn’t been a martyr. She’s facilitated her children in keeping busy and getting enjoyment out of life which is completely understandable when your trying to pick the pieces up for them after the devastation of family split.

She then has bent over backwards to keep the peace with her ex and frankly he has took the piss out of them all.

Mathanxiety I’ve definitely never seen a culture of carpooling here. Ten years I taught multiple sports disciplines and was around many other different sports and it’s not something I noticed. In fact I’d say there was a lot of competitive parenting

For those saying he has them every weekend, he doesn't, he has them for half the weekend. He still has every Friday night and Saturday day child free. He has them a Saturday evening and Sunday.

I've actually changed my mind OP, tell him fine but he has to tell the DC and he has to pay more to cover the extra days.

He's not worth the hassle. Your DC are growing up and won't need constant supervision soon and you will start to get more time to yourself naturally. The DC will want to be spending weekends with their friends.

He will be the ultimate loser here.

He could still be having the DC at the moment unless anyone is vulnerable.

EOW and one night a during the week is pretty standard.

But that EOW usually is from Friday night to Sunday evening allowing that parent to have a proper weekend with the kids.

Your ex has them from 6 pm on a Saturday? Seems like he does very little really.

Go for EOW but he picks them up Friday evening. He gets proper time with them, even if dropping off to activities as that really is family life, and you get decent time off EOW.

I wouldn't make a fuss over the midweek visit but your kids are old enough to voice whether they would like that or not.

I’ve only read your comments on the thread OP so here’s my take on it.

I think every other weekend is fine - I can understand that your Ex and his new partner might like free weekends too.

BUT, why the actual bloody hell can’t he have them during the week?

The only explanations you are offering are ‘he doesn’t want to’. Well tough bloody shit. I don’t understand why you are saying ‘yes ok, that’s fine, I’ll do it’. Certainly on the days you are working he could help. How on earth did he get to choose to opt out of the tricky bits of parenting? If he wants free weekends then you need to say that he only gets them if you get some help in the week. It’s only fair. The cards are in your hand here because he wants something.

On a side note: the dancing is completely insane and you are going to have to learn to say no sometimes! Coupled with the fact that as your dd gets older and has more homework after school that’s going to be an almost impossible schedule to maintain but as you say, that’s a conversation for another day!

Oh and weekends should be from Friday night, he takes them to school Monday. That should be another part of your deal!

I was divorced 30 years ago so I know things are different however some things never change ! My ex was awarded contact every second weekend plus one night during the week . He never ONCE took the DC overnight and only showed up a handful of times to take them to MacDonalds( before he moved abroad!) . My solicitor said there is no way a court will enforce contact . It’s so hard and it’s unfair but you need to get tough ; if he insists on reducing contact then you need to receive more CM.
I would also be wary that if he does agree to extra time he simply refuses to take your DC to activities . DGS’s dad used to collect him from school one day but refused to take him to football practice.

Thanks everyone, I'm going to have to talk to him about Friday to Monday EOW but I dont hold out much hope! I'm in no way trying to palm them off but in my eyes, he is their father who should be looking after his kids, I feel he has until now.

Pointing out to him that realistically his current EOW request is for 4 nights/2 days a month - isn't enough. My son loves seeing his dad as they can go biking/fishing together etc, my daughter is nearly 14 and is getting to the stage where she 'doesnt mind' (her words) going to her dads.

The kids are unaware of what he has said, as they have been to the majority of why we split, they havent seen any rows and havent been brought into the adult conversations about it at all - we did this to protect them.

I cant keep pandering to him any longer, no matter how vile he can get. I've had enough

I get what people are saying that OP cant force her ex to take their DD to activities in his time.
But, I feel that's a bit unfair as OP is happy with how the current arrangements stand, so didn't originally plan things in ex's scheduled time with the kids.
Now he wants to mess around with their routine for his own benefit, he shouldn't then get to mess around with his kids routine. Its selfish and not prioritising his children.

I don't think dropping his 4 full days of parenting a month down to 2 is a great idea.
I think what's stuck here is OP said the ex has them on the weekends, I personally don't see 6PM and onwards on saturday to 7am Monday as a weekend.
I was expecting 2 full days aswell. So OP gets 1 days a week to switch off but probably is getting uniforms, food shopping, housework etc done.

I love how OP is crap for wanting more "me" time, but a lot of people are saying it's okay for ex to want less time 🤷🏻‍♀️
I would be very disappointed with a Father that only wanted to see his children 2 days a month.

Good for you op! I think he's got himself a new woman and the dc are just becoming more of an inconvenience to his new life, so he's pulling back and will probably continue to do so, whilst you can't force him to take responsibility it's very sad for your dc. I think you should definitely get things settled financially and legally as others have said, as it does seem like he could be building up to not bothering with them at all and then you're even worse off.

He just won't collect them from schoo, they're both at different schools at the mo, primary and high, and he doesn't like having to rush round taking them to their clubs, which I don't mind if they love it

He sounds like a selfish, lazy shit. I hope your kids never realise that their father is fundamentally disinterested in them.

If your ex doesn't want his children for the other weekend then I don't see any point in trying to enforce it. How miserable would it be for them to know they were there under sufferance? I would look to making your running around easier during the week and telling ex that he can pick up Friday after school and drop of Monday mornings. My daughter's ex hasn't seen his son for 10 weeks 'in case he's infectious' (his son, not him!) - he only sees him Friday night to Sunday am once a month anyway! She works full time and in normal circumstances I help where I can but if the father is a knob, your children will soon work that one out - don't protect him, tell them the truth but don't voice an opinion. You can't make him want them more often but as long as they know they're loved at home...