Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

347 replies

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 20:53

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

OP posts:
Pleasenodont · 22/05/2020 11:46

EOW is the norm and most courts will only give the NRP this plus a day during the week if it’s convenient for the child (obviously won’t work if parents live in separate cities and it’s a school aged child).

I agree that it’s absolutely shite, many NRP’s do very little for their children and somehow that’s acceptable. Sadly not much you can do.

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 11:46

@viviennemary I work min 16 hours, max 32, does that make any difference to their dad seeing them less?

OP posts:
GiantPinesAhem · 22/05/2020 11:48

To be honest, my personal view is that anything less than 50/50 for any parent is a cop out (short of having no choice but to move away etc).

In your situation, I wouldn't be happy to accept any alteration (unless it was for him to have more time) except for it to be EOW but from afterschool friday, to afterschool monday. This would also mean if a b/h monday falls his week, they're not returned to you at start of school time!

I would also insist that HE is the one to tell them, and the he makes it clear HE decided to change it.

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 11:49

@Twisique this is it, self employed tax returns often suggest fairly low income, so he's probably giving more than the govt would calculate based on that.
He increased the payment for the first time this year because I asked as it hasn't increased before that

OP posts:
user1471464702 · 22/05/2020 11:52

Most arrangements made legally are every other weekend and one overnight stay day in the week as fair hope this helps

Viviennemary · 22/05/2020 11:56

I think it does make a difference if you have a lot of time to yourself through the week and every weekend free. But I see your point about them seeing their dad less. I agree a good compromise would be after school Friday till Sunday night or Monday morning. One answer won't fit everybody's circumstances. Hope you work something out.

Frankola · 22/05/2020 11:58

I dont agree with NRP having the kids every weekend for a couple of reasons.

RP doesnt get any weekends with the kids to do fun family stuff, just the weekly grind.

NRP doesnt get any downtime of their own. They work all week and then parent all weekend.

I feel a much better balance is EOW and some weeknights for NRP

12345ct · 22/05/2020 12:01

You can't force him to have his children regardless of if it's fair or not. You have no options and he holds all the cards on this. Sorry OP I know it's crap but that's just how it is unfortunately.

Jux · 22/05/2020 12:05

He's a shit dad.

snappycamper · 22/05/2020 12:13

Absolutely @Jux .

Really baffled by the responses here. I think the OP is being perfectly reasonable

Witsend101 · 22/05/2020 12:14

I've no experience of being in this situation but the whole idea of a parent who, given a choice, would choose to only see their children for effectively 2 days a month is beyond me.

Some of the comments in relation to the OP 'only' working part time are ridiculous. The Dad is currently having the children for 4 full days a month and he isn't doing any running around. Yes he's working full time but he can please himself what he does and when he does it outside of working hours, unlike the OP.

PorpentiaScamander · 22/05/2020 12:15

Sorry haven't RTFT but just wanted to comment.

I can't believe how many people think the dd should give up/reduce her hobby! I grew up with separated parents and danced between 4-6 days per week. Sometimes multiple classes in one day. Plus swimming and brownies/guides. My brothers did judo, swimming and beavers/Cubs/scouts.
It was never suggested by either parent that we gave up anything, and it was obvious from puberty that I wasn't going to 'make it' as a dancer.
I remember my dad driving me 30miles from his house to a party one day because I didnt want to miss it.
That's what parents do imo.

WaxOnFeckOff · 22/05/2020 12:45

And it's funny you know that despite both DH and I working full time and the kids going to clubs most nights plus camps at weekends etc, I have a great relationship with my adult teen sons.

They may not have pursued any of the activities into adulthood and have no olympic medals or paintings in the national gallery etc but they loved all the stuff they got to try and the friends they met and the fun they had. We still spent time with them and still developed a relationship and they had fun and kept out of trouble.

I think it's a shame OP that your son will be the one missing out most since his dad actually seems to spend time with him. Your daughter will feel it I have no doubt but it wont leave as obvious a hole in her weekend and sounds like she is already moving on and away from him. A good dad would be desperate to clutch on to the time he has left. Teenagers are great and it's his loss.

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 13:00

@PorpentiaScamander Thankyou! Yes it's her passion and there is no way I would take it away from her, I could have quite easily explained to her when we split up that there would be no more dance but could you imagine - double heartbreak!
Like you said, whether or not dance is the career for her, it currently occupies her time in one of the best possible, spending time with lovely friends, dancing and qualities that will carry through the rest of her life. I'd rather be dragged from pillar to post to give her the best than have her sat at home waiting for me to finish work with nothing to do of an evening or weekend

OP posts:
PorpentiaScamander · 22/05/2020 13:08

@johowieorla I'm biased but it's a wonderful way to spend time. I made lifelong friends at my dance classes and even though I haven't danced for about 15 years, I still have the discipline it instilled in me.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/05/2020 13:24

I think you'll find most parents enjoy childfree days occasionally!
Only mners! In real life, I don't know many mums who gets regular full child free days.

OP, the tone of your posts indicated that you thought it was unfair that you'd have less time for yourself when you'd still have a lot more than most.

I don't understand a mum of school age children (or any parents) not wanting to have at least one weekend out of two with their kids. Don't you ever want to take them away for a weekend, do fun activities together other than during the holidays? Have relaxing time together when you don't have to get them to do chores or homework?

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 13:31

@dontdisturbmenow no the post was not that I wanted less time with my kids, the post was stating that my ex wants less time and I was asking for people's thoughts as to what is reasonable. He currently has them 6pm sat to 7am Monday and wants to change this to happen once every 2 weeks

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 22/05/2020 13:44

The most important people in this are your children. How do they feel about EOW. ? They are not babies. They are old enough to have an opinion on it. They may not be bothered about seeing him. Or visa versa. I would gauge their thoughts on it. In a kind way then speak to him depending what they say.

Good luck

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 13:48

I honestly don't know why people are questioning MY parenting when it's not me who wants to see the kids less??!!!! I would willingly do EOW fri to mon but EOW sat 6pm to mon 7am does not seem enough time for a father to be seeing their kids?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 22/05/2020 13:51

Has he changed his mind due to the new woman do you think? Either way he needs to step up a bit more in the week then .Can he have a longer W/E with them ? As PP said Thurs to Mon EOW Its not fair on you or them is it .What does he plan on telling them I wonder!

GiantPinesAhem · 22/05/2020 14:45

yes johowieorla... how DARE you want your kids to spend enough time with their Father to have a meaningful relationship with him... How SELFISH of you... Hmm

Honestly, I despair at some of the opinions people here have- don't let them get to you, you're clearly doing the best you can for your kids.

As for the comment about Mums having time without their kids, of course not every Mum has that, it doesn't mean they can't enjoy that time when they get it.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2020 14:56

I honestly don't know why people are questioning MY parenting when it's not me who wants to see the kids less??!! op your a woman, you're meant to wail any second they aren't with you and try to stop them seeing their Dad as it means you can't gaze upon their precious faces. How dare you want them to see him or want a little peace and quiet

Jen4813 · 22/05/2020 15:05

EOW sounds much more reasonable. Maybe when they were younger and needed more ‘looking after’ this worked but at those ages they should be having their own independence and I would have thought they would be quite happy having more time after school/weekends to see friends? Also he has a new partner now so obviously he wants to spend quality time with her every other weekend. He wouldn’t be able to have much of a relationship seeing DC as much as he was. It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me especially given they are basically teenagers now not little ones.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/05/2020 15:09

You need to start divorce proceedings OP. Get the finances organised and the contact arrangements set in writing.

Before you confirm anything with your ex have a conversation with a solicitor.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 22/05/2020 15:11

I don't know many mums who gets regular full child free days

I know plenty of people that don't get regular full childfree days as well but that's not what I said.

Most parents who do have childfree days, enjoy those days. And MNtters are real people...

Are you honestly saying you wouldn't enjoy any time that your children weren't there? I wouldn't believe you if you did to be honest.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread