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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

347 replies

johowieorla · 21/05/2020 20:53

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 22/05/2020 09:51

I would start by suggesting that he takes the same amount of hours, but on a week on week off pattern rather than every week. So 72 hours once a fortnight - Thursday night to Monday morning. That way OP gets a proper break once a fortnight and also gets to enjoy some weekend time with her kids. If he refuses this, do remember that if his contact time goes down by 50%, his financial contribution should go up by the same amount.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/05/2020 10:02

So depressing to read these threads when parents are fighting amongst themselves to have their kids the least.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2020 10:16

So depressing to read these threads when parents are fighting amongst themselves to have their kids the least. but up isn't, she's arguing for 1 day a week essentially given he has them from 6pm till 6 am Sat-Mon. I'm married, if u want time away from the kids I have a husband who looks aft then and vice versa. Would people really berate me for having a few hours to myself once a week? Just cos op is the primary carer doesn't mean she isn't allowed some of that too but that their dad shouldn't see them now than is convenient?

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 22/05/2020 10:43

Not sure you posted that on the correct thread @dontdisturbmenow. If you did then I suggest your reading and comprehension need a little working on.

Viviennemary · 22/05/2020 10:44

OP only works part-time but wont say how many hours. The ex works full time and never gets a weekend to himself. And then has to spend it ferrying kids around. I'm not surprised he's a bit fed up.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/05/2020 10:45

She will have two days eow, that's a lot more than many gets, single or not.

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 10:50

@Viviennemary he doesn't ferry the kids round all weekend though, he does one pick up that's it, the remainder of his time is free

OP posts:
Winterlife · 22/05/2020 10:50

@Viviennemary, are you serious?

OP’s work status is irrelevant. A father should want to spend time with his children.

trellishead · 22/05/2020 10:51

Every other weekend seems fair? At the moment, he gets no days to spend alone or with his partner. It's work and then childcare. You say he gives money so I'm assuming it's substantial as there was no further mention of it. You get every weekend 'off' childcare. So let him have every weekend off and trust him with a few days during the week.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/05/2020 10:51

If you did then I suggest your reading and comprehension need a little working on
Oh I have. OP works PT and complains because she has to take her kids to school and clubs. We'll I had to do the same with a ft job and commute and their dad oy having them Friday evenings after dinner to Saturday before dinner and me doing all the travelling.

I never felt hard done by, he was the one missing out on enjoying seeing his kids grow up.

trellishead · 22/05/2020 10:51

*every other

Viviennemary · 22/05/2020 10:52

Another thread that makes me glad I'm not a man.

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/05/2020 10:52

Fuck this Monday morning business off right away. As if he can't just get them to school. Tell him you won't be picking them up and they need to be at school for 9am.
Have a lie in and turn your phone off.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 22/05/2020 10:53

That's a little unfair @dontdisturbmenow I think you'll find most parents enjoy childfree days occasionally! I know I bloody do.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 22/05/2020 10:55

6pm Saturday evening until 7am Monday morning...that is 2 full days is it?? Hmm am sure my maths isnt THAT rusty.

If we are being pedantic it is actually 37 hours - 16 of which are probably the kids sleeping. So he wants a grand total of 21 hours EOW.
Hardly Dad of the Year

ludothedog · 22/05/2020 10:57

I'm with you don'tdisrurbmenow
Parents fighting over who gets time off from their kids. The under current that the kids will pick up is that they're hard work and parents can't wait to get away from them 😪😪

TabbyMumz · 22/05/2020 11:03

Why cant he cope with them in the week? Think I'd say to "him, it's a good plan to have every other weekend, and then I will drop them off to you 2 days in the week instead, so as you get your time with them." Then the onus is on him to say he doesnt want them in the week either.

Fedhimtotigers · 22/05/2020 11:07

@canigooutyet I know. But you can't force him to do something he doesn't want.
The judge could order him mid week contact.

He never has to do what he doesn't want.

Original poster
johowieorla · 22/05/2020 11:12

Can I clarify because I may have worded it correctly. I am not trying to get out of having my kids in any way. I was asking basically is 2 full days a month enough for a dad to see their kids?

I've no issue with taking kids to clubs with their friends that they love and enjoy, I don't know why the focus is switching to that.

Questions on finances, well again that is another thread, he pays me a set amount each month, whether this is enough or not I don't know, I walked away from the family home with zero from that, so the monthly payment is all I get.

My part time hours are also down to avoiding having to put the youngest child now in childcare after school. I could easily go FT but really, would this benefit any of us, no I don't think it would.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 22/05/2020 11:18

Well for a start he already has every Friday night and Saturday day time for his "me time" OP is getting similar, Saturday night and Sunday day time/evening. I'm sure OP already said that there times where this was changed to facilitate weekends away etc.

I think most folk agree that EOW is reasonable, but the only reason dad had them every Sunday ( I refuse to call it a weekend) was because he didn't want access in the week time. So if he wants to drop it to 2 sundays a month, I think it's okay to be annoyed to be honest.

This isn't a situation that the OP has created. He wants the kids less, not OP

I have to say that if I was invited for a weekend and that ended up being Saturday night to Sunday morning, I'd feel cheated. That's not a weekend.

WaxOnFeckOff · 22/05/2020 11:19

sorry that should say Saturday night to Monday morning.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 22/05/2020 11:22

I'd say it was fair enough that he has every other weekend free as it's hard when you work full-time to do anything in the week. HOWEVER, only if he was making up for that in the week which of course he isn't so YANBU.

However as other PP have said, you can't force him unfortunately

Twisique · 22/05/2020 11:28

Will he be contributing more financially? Do you get more of less than the amount calculated by the government? Had the amount he gives you increased over the last 5 years?

Twisique · 22/05/2020 11:31

I think it's time to review the finances and get the divorse process started. Do you have any claim on his house?

totallyoverthisbullshit · 22/05/2020 11:31

You sound like a fab mum and it's really sad he wants to see them less.

'He can't cope' - what a loser... I pity his new partner.

I think you need to establish a formal custody arrangement, though. If he drops a weekend, then he picks them up from school on Friday and has them until Monday. He doesn't get to pick and choose when to parent.

Is he aware this dropping of contact means an increase in payment?

Is there a chance his partner is pregnant?

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