My ex has decided he only wants kids every other weekend

[johowieorla]

Not posted anything on here for a long long time, since the kids were babies, they're now 10 and 13. Myself and my ex are separated, not divorced. I left him as we just could not get on, we've not divorced and I've taken no money from him other than the monthly sum he gives me for the kids. Split 5 years ago. He now has a new partner, who is lovely btw but now he has decided he wants the kids every other weekend instead of Saturday to Monday morning every week. AIBU in thinking this isn't fair? I have to take and pick them up from their dads, school run and dance and kickboxing clubs in the week every day. Please hit me with it! If I am being unreasonable tell me!!

Anne

*If he’d just be taking over the driving you can see why he wouldn’t jump at the chance, it’s not quality time.

Op drops them off and picks them up from their Dad's and activities.Maybe it's not quality time but she does it because she is their mother.

And instead of telling dad this that and the other, why not ask the children what they want?

Is there any reason why the teen cannot get themselves around more independently?

I'm actually surprised the martyr word hasn't been mentioned yet tbh.

Isn't that what one is? Someone who runs around doing all this stuff just because, refuses any help because it doesn't fit in with their plan?

I suspect husband wants a free weekend to spend time with the new woman in his life.

OP, I agree with a PP on page 1. Get an agreement or order in place for maintenance and a schedule for his time with the children.

I don't think the clubs are an issue. It's pretty normal in that age group to have stuff on several nights a week and as a parent, you facilitate that if you possibly can. I hate it when my dcs miss out on something I know theyd love because it's on a weekend and ex won't commit to taking them eow. Most sports, hobbies you can't just go alternate weeks, it doesn't work like that. They aren't toddlers.. Its not the op 'scheduling' them, it's what they are choosing. This is actually really easy. I'd say either he maintains the status quo which actually gives him every Friday night and most of Saturday daytime kid free, or he goes eow but it must be friday night to Monday morning collecting and dropping off at school. He's self employed so no actual reason why he can't do this.
To the pp who think the op is not doing much parenting because her kids are in schools and clubs, you are deluded. Weekend parents do fuck all parenting in many cases. None of the mental load, appointments, uniform buying, naming, finding, rebuying. They just 'see them' for x hours a week or fortnight. They might as well be a fun uncle or aunt. On the rare occasions I ask my ex to facilitate something like an opticians appointment it never ever happens.

@Oncewasblueandyellowtwo
Why is asking a reasonable questioning blaming someone? All the person asked was

And as much as your kids love them, do you not think a day or so a week with their parent may be more important?

How can that be construed as "women are blamed" for everything??

No op thats not reasonable. How is it better at all?

Friday after school he picks up and he drops them off at school the following Monday every other week Would be better. Wtf are you doing picking them up from his at 7am and dropping them at school?! Are they not exhausted with that nonsense? Stop infantilising him.

But surely if they both have some free time at the weekend, the balance could be reduced a bit?

He would have time to do those things he does during the week on those weekends he's free, and so during the week, he can see them more. He's said no previously because he works full time and has little free time at the weekend.

And of course, it's not nice to give up stuff, especially at the weekend like activities. But then so is never being able to stay in your main home and chill out. Or hang out with those local mates. See school mates. Aren't birthday parties usually a weekend thing as well?

Some posters on this thread sound like mens rights activists.

Back to you Op, just tell him no, and that you both need to work out a different arrangement.If he flat out refuses to take them during the week or for a much longer weekend EOW then tell him you have to stick to your current arrangement.
YANBU

These comments are appalling. YANBU at ALL OP.

Some of the comments are appaling. Tell him this that and the other.

Neither of them knows beyond the activities what the children would prefer.

But yes, some pp are correct. Tell him no, and let the court decide.

You’re not being unreasonable op but he obviously doesn’t want them much. I’d be really torn about forcing them on him, I know he’s their parent too but he’s losing interest. Shit really.

Sorry Op, I meant if he wants to take them every other week he needs to take them for more than just the weekend.

I've read your posts again and YANBU, you have been really reasonable.

But yes, some pp are correct. Tell him no, and let the

And what court would that be?
There isn't a court in the land that can make somebody parent.

He can say no. He can back out. He can do fuck all. It's absolute bollocks but what has OP actually got to coerce him with hereV

Having been the child of divorced parents who eventually gave up dance because it was inconvenient to a situation I had no control over, I completely agree that your daughter should not be penalised.

Having also been a parent to a child who did gymnastics 6 days a week I can completely feel your pain in how absolutely knackering it is to be the person facilitating but also how their joy at doing what they love is generally enough to get you through.

It sounds like you have been bending over backwards to accommodate your ex's wishes and i'm sure you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you push too hard for him to do after school Friday to his responsibility to get them to school on Monday EOW then he may put pressure on your DD or make it impossible for her to continue doing what she loves.

Could you start with asking for EOW after school on Friday to Monday morning him getting them to school and see what he says.

A possible compromise could be he has your DS on a Friday but DD doesn't go until after dance on Saturday:

Logistically can he pick your son up on a Friday after school? If yes great, if not could you incorporate dropping him off at either same time as dropping or picking up DD to/from dance depending on what your car share schedule is like?

He could then pick up DD from dance on Sat or would your car share setup mean you can drop her off/other driver drops her off?

On Monday morning can DD get herself to school from his house? If so he drops DS at school and DD makes her own way to school or travels part way with ex and gets herself the rest of the way depending on locations and timings?

At the moment you are picking up all the consequences of his actions (refusal to pick up from school, refusal to take to dance etc etc) and I can absolutely see why, you would rather the impact fell on you than on your DC. I would be exactly the same. Maybe it's time to go down a proper legal route to sort all this out.

If you're prepared to let him drop a whole weekend EOW, then he could have the children one day from school until school the next morning. Give and take.

I know you'd like some 'time off' every week and you would have that mid-week when he has them and EOW. He would have from Thursday drop off until Wednesday pick up and EOW as his 'time off'. It's not that fair that he gets a lot more 'time off' than you......
I wonder if putting it like that would encourage him? Not forgetting that as they are with you so much more then he needs to increase his payments.

He’s a shit dad if he’ll happily go 12 days without seeing them. That’s more like an uncle than a dad.

Can you refuse unless he takes two nights in the week. He will absolutely cope. Sounds like you’ve kind of accepted his excuse, he’s made you believe it.

I’d word it like “I know you won’t want to go 12 days without seeing them, they would hate that too. How can we make it work you seeing them midweek? “

@herpesfreesince03 you're really not getting it are you??!!!!
I can not get my kids to stop their activities and for as a long as i can support them in doing this I will not stop them.

To everyone one else who gets it, thankyou!

All I was asking is 'is it unreasonable for their dad to ask to see them EOW - meaning 6om sat to 7am mon?'

I don't think it is x

Can you refuse unless he takes two nights in the week
Refuse what?
Refuse that he changes the arrangement? Good luck enforcing that.

Or are you talking about refusing him the children at all if he doesn't join in the relentless running around to activities?

I think it's perfectly fair that a midweek arrangement be made. I don't think it's reasonable if that involves ferrying them around. If your children can't make one night activity free then I wouldn't bother either.

EOW needs to be Fri - Sun/Mon. Start with that.

For those saying she doesn’t have the children at the weekend, she does. She has them both Friday night/Saturday morning and then has her son until 6pm when her daughter finishes her class.

EOW would start on Friday evening in my book not Saturday evening.

@herpesfreesince03 you seem to focus on the fact that i work part time - the reason I work part time is so I can look after my kids and take them to do the activities that they love. I could work full time and put them in after school care, but choose not to. Bad parenting???? Sorry but you've really got my goat

Sounds like just another deadbeat dad trying to do as little as possible.

Tell him no OP. If he wants EOW he must pick them up from school on a Friday and take them to school on a Monday. There should also be a night every midweek. Go get a CAO and proper maintenance. Start putting your foot down.

The glaringly obvious solution is for him to take them both from Friday to Monday EOW. Same amount of time, less arsing around. But he won't, because he would have to facilitate their hobbies. And he's a twat.

You need to get properly divorced.

Fedhimtotigers any parent can put in a contact request application including him.

For all anyone knows once he drops two weekends he would step up during the week. At the moment he cannot because he works full time. And he won't do things during the week because he's got things to do. If he's free more over the weekend, then he has time to do those things then. Or maybe he could have with a bit more notice, we simply don't know.

We know he's home by 5 every day (surprised how anyone knows what time people are home daily when they live elsewhere.) We know she works part-time, and ferries the kids around here there and everywhere. But hasn't got time free time. Friday - Monday every other weekend would give her more time. At the moment she has 4 although she should have 8 free days. Whereas every other week, she would have, Friday after they arrive at school, Saturday, Sunday and Monday until the end of the school day. The children would also get this instead of the current arrangement.

The children aged 10 & 13 aren't aware that this is being discussed. Perhaps they would like a change to how it's been until now. Maybe the child who does the Saturday activity wouldn't mind either giving up the occasional day to spend more time with either parent or taking themselves there. In remote areas, obviously there could be issues with this. But with public transport or decent cycle routes etc, couldn't they take themselves to and from activities, school, parents etc?

And many more ideas various posters have mentioned.

So taking it to court would consider all these factors and more.
And make a decision based on what is in the children's best interests, based on their needs, how they would like to split their time, their words, what the parents are proposing, Cafcass etc.

Because it's true you cannot force people to do anything, and this stand-off between the parents will resolve nothing. And even without the activities, it cannot be maintained for the next 8 years. At some point, the children will want to have a say in where they spend their time.

For all anyone knows, dad has raised this because one or both children requested this. Then how will it look to them when dad says mum said no?

But honestly, I cannot get passed this hasn't been mentioned to them. They aren't 1 and 3. They are 10 and 13. And I honestly wonder what else they haven't been asked. Hence one of the parents put the application in. This standoff could result in the children losing a parent.

I would try suggesting that he can do eow from Friday pick up to Monday drop off at school. Otherwise he can explain to the children why he doesn’t want to see them dance / play sport and why he just wants to do his own things. Anything less is pisspoor lazy of him really.
You really confused the thread by calling Saturday evening onwards but refusing to take them to school Monday morning him having him for ‘the weekend’.