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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- MIL!!

184 replies

Needsomehope · 21/05/2020 16:49

Looking for some perspective!

I have a newborn. MIL lives next door, and DH works with DFIL etc so for the purposes of lockdown we are ‘one household’ (decision made by my DH I wouldn’t of said we are but hey ho!)

Last night I lost it with MIL who keeps walking into our house unannounced. She will chap the door, and then if I don’t answer, she comes in and starts shouting ‘hello hello’.

The first couple of times I was annoyed but let it go and DH asked her to text me if she was planning on coming round as one of the times she work our baby that I had just spent an hour settling to sleep.

She did this again yesderday, turning up, unannounced, chapping the door that I ignored, and then walked straight in through our kitchen and through our house, shouting ‘hello hello’ again waking our baby up, just when I needed her to nap so I could make supper. I was visibly angry with her and was very short, she left very quickly when i made it obvious she was bothering us at a bad time.

Since having our baby she has made zero effort to help us out with any housework, cooking, gardening or even asked how I am. We don’t really have a relationship (positive or negative) but this is now swinging it towards a negative one.

AIBU that I should expect a text before coming round? Or that if I don’t answer the door she shouldn’t come in?

Should I expect more from her?

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 22/05/2020 09:33

BUT HAVE YOU CONSIDERED LOCKING THE DOOR?! Holy fucking shite, vipers. Always enjoy 120 people typing the exact same thing without reading each other. Maybe she can cancel the cheque, too, while she’s there.

Also, an additional 100 people wish to know if you’re a farmer. Sometimes they’re pro-lock as well. Just to get that out of the way.

Good luck, OP. Maybe lock the door.

nowaitaminute · 22/05/2020 09:42

Are you in Ireland OP? I say this because this is very common in rural Ireland (living near or next to mild/parents. On my road we have - parents, and all 3 of their married children within a walking distance.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 22/05/2020 09:46

What is "chapping:? Do you mean knocking?

This has been clarified many times in the thread! I’ve lived in SE London all my life and the first time I read “chap the door” (it was probably on MN or similar forum) I could work out what it meant.

OP, I realise it isn’t usual to lock the door where you are but you definitely need to start doing it. Good luck.

Supermarketworker06 · 22/05/2020 09:48

With regards to mil not offering to do housework etc, I perfectly understand what you mean.
I've got 3 children and every time they've moved or had children I've always offered to help with housework/ end of tenancy cleaning etc. Yes it's nice to cuddle babies so mum can have 5 minutes peace but sometimes you need someone to empty the bin and hoover up! When my daughter was doing her placement I did loads of her housework to help her. As you're disabled, even more so.

I am very close to my three, particularly the one with children as previously I did a lot of school runs etc but I wouldn't go round without texting first.

Puds11 · 22/05/2020 09:52

Does the house you live in belong to them? Does she feel she has a ‘right’ to come and I as she likes?

TheABC · 22/05/2020 10:08

Have fun with your signage, OP.

"Baby sleeping. Any visitor stupid enough to wake him will be buried under dirty nappies"

"Ritual sacrifice day. Bring your own knife"

"Cerberus guards this house. We have not fed him, today."

"Naturalist day. No admission without nudity. Please leave your clothes in the bucket"

I second getting a (assistant) dog. Although the barking may wake your baby up anyway.

Hanamuslim · 22/05/2020 10:20

Chapping the door??? Never heard that one before. Where are you from, is that a word or term for knocking there or is it your own term of word?

nokidshere · 22/05/2020 10:22

You need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about this., properly. You don't have to be rude or confrontational just be firm and clear in your expectations. Remind her that if she carries on after this she will damage your relationship and you will be forced to lock her out.

I lived next door to my MIL for 11years at my instigation. She was a lovely lady. She only came into our house a handful of times a year, usually for 'occasions'. But we had a great relationship. Hell would have to freeze over before I lived next door to my own mother!

Hanamuslim · 22/05/2020 10:22

Supermarketworker @Supermarketworker06 wow you sound like an amazing mum and grandma. Your children are very lucky indeed.

TotorosFurryBehind · 22/05/2020 10:24

I think it's rubbish that she (and FIL) have not offered any help with cooking when living next door. I think that is normal behaviour from loving family members when someone has a newborn and that the people on here suggesting it is not, are gaslighting you.

Laaalaaaa · 22/05/2020 10:25

@Hanamuslim it has been explained many many times on the thread that it is a Scottish term for knocking. If you’d read any of the thread you would have seen that - many times over.

Sn0tnose · 22/05/2020 10:28

Knock Down Ginger where I am. Wikipedia (I know, a really reliable source!) says it’s from an old English poem

Ginger, Ginger broke a winder
Hit the winda – crack!
The baker came out to give 'im a clout
And landed on his back

OP, I think you could stick a note on the door saying ‘mum & baby sleeping, please don’t disturb’ or when she walks in you could make a big fuss about shushing her in case she wakes the baby, or you could embarrass her by being naked, or a million other little ways. If you lock the door, she’ll only start knocking which will definitely wake up the baby. But really, the most sensible thing to do is to talk to her. Tell her that you’re not used to people coming in and out and it’s making you feel on edge so would she send a quick text before popping in, just so you’re not asleep/naked/stuffing your face with biscuits etc, and then if it’s not convenient, you can let her know.

georgialondon · 22/05/2020 10:30

Lock the door

BlingLoving · 22/05/2020 10:49

Usually, I'm in the "grandparents are not required to do childcare etc" camp but in this case, I'm with @Nanny0gg who expressed it pretty well:

And the rest of you miserable lot - No, the OP shouldn't expect help, but if you live next door to your son and DiL, she's just had a baby, isn't it the usual thing to offer to help? Even if you're physically able? And especially if you're not?

The point is that for the purposes of lockdown, they have decided to be "one family unit". As part of this, MIL seems to think she can wander around at will, make as much noise as she likes etc. But it's funny how none of the other side of being one household - sharing chores, being considerate and accommodating etc - is being considered necessary.

So I'd feel free to lock the door and tell her that you needs to either text in advance or knock gently. If it's a good time/baby is awake etc, you'll let her know.

NeutrinoWrangler · 22/05/2020 10:56

In my family, if your daughter or son have a new baby, a disability to make things even more difficult, and live next door Shock, you definitely at least offer to help, if you're able. Not strange of OP to mention that MIL hasn't helped.

Strange that your husband's original request didn't clue her in, but he may need to address it again, more forcefully and clearly this time. Or maybe she's finally received the message, since she didn't stay long after noticing you weren't pleased.

Hanamuslim · 22/05/2020 11:20

@Laaalaaaa yep saw it as I went through the other 7 pages. Interesting it comes from Scotland. I love Learning phrases like that

Nanny0gg · 22/05/2020 11:30

Well you are lucky it is just your MIL wandering into your house uninvited, rather than someone who wishes to harm you. Why on earth do you not lock your door?

It is not unusual, in many, many many places to not lock your front door.

Winterwoollies · 22/05/2020 11:39

My elderly in laws are like this. I HATE it.

They always turn up unannounced, several times a week, and are so ‘apologetic’ for intruding and will have hinged it on something so tenuous, that my partner doesn’t feel he can say anything to them. It drives me up the wall. I just take myself off and don’t engage with them when they’ve done it. It’s different if they’ve been invited or have asked to come and been told it’s ok. They then tend to stay for hours, too.

Once they scaled an eight foot fence to get to us. Their obsession with my partner and my home is ridiculous.

Apirateslifeforme · 22/05/2020 11:51

Mate. You need a chain on the door.
When she tries to let herself in, either be in the garden, or in the kitchen with music on, hoovering so she cannot be helped in.

When she brings it up, because she will. Oh it's to stop people from just barging into our home.

No idea why you live next door to your PIL. I couldn't imagine ever having a moment of peace

copycopypaste · 22/05/2020 11:54

My neighbour, who is my ex's auntie, used to do this with me, I remember her waking the baby several times, would drive me batshit. She's even do it after my ex moved out. I simply lock the doors now and stand in her way so she can't get in when she knocks on the door. My now dh is very short with her since she walked in on us all having dinner and proceeded to talk.

gingerpassthegin · 22/05/2020 12:11

'Thunder and lightning' when I was a kid. Thunder on the door - run like lightning.

RainMustFall · 23/05/2020 19:38

Your MiL is obviously unreasonable walking into your house. It's quite simple to solve, lock the door.

You are even more unreasonable and a CFer for expecting her to do your housework, cooking and gardening.

LillianBland · 23/05/2020 20:08

You are even more unreasonable and a CFer for expecting her to do your housework, cooking and gardening.

You didn’t read the OP’s comments, did you. 🙄

Winterwoollies · 23/05/2020 21:16

Christ, what is with the continuous faux puzzlement whenever anyone uses a regional term?

I mean, surely even when read for the first time in the Home Counties, the context makes the definition quite plain?

Is it an attempt at superiority?! It's very annoying, whatever it is.

Waveysnail · 23/05/2020 21:35

Have you asked mil for help? Having had a chat with my mil (many years married now) she admitted in early days that she didn't want to stand on my toes so tried to be there but not push in/help out without being asked. So I learned to ask.

The door thing. Work out what you want. Say to her that can she not come in unless you come to the door when she has knocked. I wouldn't expect her to text. I would expect her to knock the door or even call through the door.