AIBU- MIL!!

[Needsomehope]

Looking for some perspective!

I have a newborn. MIL lives next door, and DH works with DFIL etc so for the purposes of lockdown we are ‘one household’ (decision made by my DH I wouldn’t of said we are but hey ho!)

Last night I lost it with MIL who keeps walking into our house unannounced. She will chap the door, and then if I don’t answer, she comes in and starts shouting ‘hello hello’.

The first couple of times I was annoyed but let it go and DH asked her to text me if she was planning on coming round as one of the times she work our baby that I had just spent an hour settling to sleep.

She did this again yesderday, turning up, unannounced, chapping the door that I ignored, and then walked straight in through our kitchen and through our house, shouting ‘hello hello’ again waking our baby up, just when I needed her to nap so I could make supper. I was visibly angry with her and was very short, she left very quickly when i made it obvious she was bothering us at a bad time.

Since having our baby she has made zero effort to help us out with any housework, cooking, gardening or even asked how I am. We don’t really have a relationship (positive or negative) but this is now swinging it towards a negative one.

AIBU that I should expect a text before coming round? Or that if I don’t answer the door she shouldn’t come in?

Should I expect more from her?

I feel for you. My MIL (who I usually do like and is generally over- helpful) decided to move herself and FIL temporarily in after I had my DS in 2017. It really stressed me out and also meant I hardly saw my own mum as we live in a very small place. I have decided that if I do have a second child, I will be more firm i.e. she is always welcome to visit but isn't to move in without asking first

Lock the door ffs.

Since having our baby she has made zero effort to help us out with any housework, cooking, gardening

Not sure why you expect this?

Just be firm and say to her

If she has keys, get a deadbolt or chain fitted. Cheeky f-er she is!

Although expecting her to help with housework, cooking etc. That's not her problem or responsibility. That's yours and your DH. She's got her own house to care for, and presumably you're not helping her with hers either!

@arno why is she lazy

Why would you choose to live next door to your ILs??

This with knobs on.

I would hate this too but, TBF to your MIL, this is normal for some people and if this is what she has been used to she might find your approach strange and stand-offish.

I remember this being an issue with my MIL and ex-SIL. MIl was very much NOT a popper-inner. She told me once that when she was a young Mum with DH a baby, her MIL would call round unannounced, sometimes bringing all of her friends with her. Naturally this would always be at the most inconvenient time when the flat was a mess and nappies everywhere. Consequently she always said she would never to that to her DILs and would call first.

However, ex-SIL was from a family that called in and out of each others houses all the time and she always considered MIL a bit stand-offish because she insisted on arranging a visit first rather than just dropping round.

Maybe try explaining again that you would rather she let you know just in case the baby is asleep and perhaps get a chain on the door. Does your DH see the problem or is he OK with it?

I too have no clue was chapping is? I thought you meant clapping

This would drive me nuts and provides no privacy at all. I do know that some families and communities see nothing wrong with just dropping around, but I too would expect a call or text beforehand, or to be invited!

I'd lock the door and put a sign on 'Please don't knock or ring doorbell, baby sleeping. Please text for any deliveries' Something along those lines.

I too wondered why on earth you'd live right next door?

Has she always does this though? Walked in unannounced I mean?

Chapping = knocking, we used to play chap door run away

Lock the damn door. Why do you expect your MIL to clean your house? That's your responsibility.

Dare I say it again...... Lock the door!

Lock the door, next time it might be someone worse than your MIL.

YANBU

Sit her down. Hang a sign. Lock the door.

Then she can't complain she "didn't know..."

Chapping is a Scottish term for knocking.

Living next door, husband works with his dad - are you farmers, @Needsomehope?

You say you were visibly angry with her, but were you VERBALLY angry? Did you tell her why you were angry?

Go round to hers. TELL her not to do this again. Don't leave it to your husband, this is for you to do.

And get a chain for the door.

Oh, Congratulations on the new baby !

You really need a way of locking the door. And your DH needs to set some decent boundaries. I bet your MIL won’t listen to you no matter what you say. Be clear to your DH - if there aren't ground rules, your family can’t work living so close to them and you’ll have to move (because in all honesty, if there aren’t ground rules, it will eventually destroy your marriage. I’m not exaggerating)

For context, we live very rurally with no other houses close by, hence door isn’t routinely locked when we are at home. But I will start to do this to make a point.

She never visited before our baby was born and DH had already asked her to text first hence I was so annoyed this time.

Re the help, I don’t expect anything , I was just illustrating that she hadn’t been popping in to do anything that we benefitted from. However i am disabled and normally receive low level care not currently happening because of coronavirus-to say we have been struggling would be an understatement.

Sadly moving not an option 😩

cancel the cheque. Oops I mean.. Lock the door.

Don't have your doors unlocked! Yes of course she should knock, ring or preferably text before coming round, it's not right to walk into anyone's house, even family.

I have to say I've never heard of 'chapping' a door before this thread. It's a new one on me!

Which circumstance led you to be NdN? I would hate this tbh. Your dh definitely needs to have word with her as I see you don’t have thqt kind of relationship.

Another vote for lock the door. And move.

Put a note on the door and lock it.
Sorry baby sleeping.

You can lock the door
She shouldn't just walk in
You shouldn't expect her to do your chores - I'm sure she'd much rather cuddle baby whilst you, as the younger, and tenant/homeowner - do your own chores.
Is she by any chance Northern and you Southern? I only ask because my BF is a Geordie living here in London but when I went to stay with her at her parents in Newcastle, everyone seems to just walk in - brothers, aunties, neighbours, everyone! Mind you, if you stood still you'd freeze! - Maybe its just her family.

You are definitely aren’t being unreasonable. I once gave my parents, who live an hour away, a key to the house because my mum was looking after DC1 once a week. Then when my parents would occasionally visit on the weekend, they would just use the key to let themselves in. I asked if they’d mind knocking and waiting when they knew we were home. So next time, they knocked 3 seconds before using the key to open the door. Just as DH and I were having a quickie whilst the baby napped. Awkward. A few months later, and after the childcare stopped so it was no longer essential, I made an excuse to get the key back.

A new word causes such a stushie on Mumsnet, doesn't it!

(although it's easy to work out given the context)

Yes, we Scots have different words for some things. We clap our dogs and chap on doors. We're in another country.

Simmer doon.