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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- MIL!!

184 replies

Needsomehope · 21/05/2020 16:49

Looking for some perspective!

I have a newborn. MIL lives next door, and DH works with DFIL etc so for the purposes of lockdown we are ‘one household’ (decision made by my DH I wouldn’t of said we are but hey ho!)

Last night I lost it with MIL who keeps walking into our house unannounced. She will chap the door, and then if I don’t answer, she comes in and starts shouting ‘hello hello’.

The first couple of times I was annoyed but let it go and DH asked her to text me if she was planning on coming round as one of the times she work our baby that I had just spent an hour settling to sleep.

She did this again yesderday, turning up, unannounced, chapping the door that I ignored, and then walked straight in through our kitchen and through our house, shouting ‘hello hello’ again waking our baby up, just when I needed her to nap so I could make supper. I was visibly angry with her and was very short, she left very quickly when i made it obvious she was bothering us at a bad time.

Since having our baby she has made zero effort to help us out with any housework, cooking, gardening or even asked how I am. We don’t really have a relationship (positive or negative) but this is now swinging it towards a negative one.

AIBU that I should expect a text before coming round? Or that if I don’t answer the door she shouldn’t come in?

Should I expect more from her?

OP posts:
jiskoot · 21/05/2020 17:47

I could've written your post about my MIL only she will keep knocking on the door shouting hello hello or ooo ooo until somebody answers it, she won't go away until we do. I had to have a chat with her about in the end although she does still try! Bit more difficult if she just waltzes in like your MIL.

MeridianB · 21/05/2020 17:47

Why does your DH have so much say over such important things as ‘being one household’ for months on end?

YADNBU and don’t feel bad about your reaction. I hope she gets the message.

lachy · 21/05/2020 17:48

I think you need to talk to her. Let her know that she caught you at a bad time, and that in future you would appreciate it if she could check with you before letting herself in.

You said that shes made zero effort with housework, cooking or gardening, but I don't know why you would expect that? She doesn't have to offer, or even do it at all.

if you don't want to talk to her about it then you can't expect to have a good relationship with her.

Laiste · 21/05/2020 17:49

Lord. I can't imagine being stuck living next door to inlaws.

Locking the door is the obvious answer but doesn't address the problem. If you forget to lock it or get fed up with being locked in the weeks and months ahead she'll go back to marching in.

The harder but more grown up thing to do is explain cheerfully that in future you'd be grateful if she'd stick to an arranged day/time to come round. No need to give umpteen reasons for her to argue with. It's a perfectly reasonable request. Just keep repeating the basics. Grit your teeth and do it.

Becoming a parent is a point in life when you have to face all sorts of unexpected confrontations. Good luck OP Flowers

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2020 17:49

Are you farmers?

Therefore have to live so close?

And the rest of you miserable lot - No, the OP shouldn't expect help, but if you live next door to your son and DiL, she's just had a baby, isn't it the usual thing to offer to help? Even if you're physically able? And especially if you're not?

Herpesfreesince03 · 21/05/2020 17:49

Why have you chosen to live next door to your in laws? Why is your door always unlocked? Why do you expect your mil to do your housework and gardening?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/05/2020 17:52

OP, can I suggest that you’re being rather innocent thinking that you don’t need to lick your door, because you’re in the country. The very fact that you’re rural makes you vulnerable. I would hate anyone waking uni my house like that.

I’m glad to see that most people agree with you, that she’s being unreasonable. Ironically there is another thread running, where a poster is being told that she’s cruel, rude, selfish, because she didn’t open the door to her father as he would have bullied his way into her house.

FastApprochingForty · 21/05/2020 17:52

I think MIL will just keep knocking if you lock the door, so think you'll actually need to say something to her about it.

I never bother locking the door if I'm in the house, my family don't either. We live in semi-rural Scotland.

Also didn't realise chapping (the door) was only a Scottish expression till now! What do you call the "chap door run" game in England?

Jokie · 21/05/2020 17:55

Leave the door locked, with a key in the lock. Alternatively, write a note and stick it on the door: baby sleeping, please do not disturb... And leave it up whenever the baby is asleep.

My in-laws lived close to us when we had #1 and did similar (but ringing the doorbell continuously instead of knocking), so I put up a sign and disconnected the bell :-)

Devlesko · 21/05/2020 17:56

I'd move, if I'd made the mistake of living next door to them.
No way is this going to work, and why does your dh work with his dad rather than finding his own work?
You must have known that living so close would end up like this Confused

Institutkarite · 21/05/2020 17:56

Herpes, why don't you read the thread, why don't you bother to read all the OP's updates. Why don't you RTFT

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/05/2020 17:57

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. Of course you should lock the door (just because you’re rural shouldn’t stop you from doing this imo) but your DH asked MIL not to do it so you shouldn’t have to lock the door. She should respect your boundaries.

With regards to helping with housework, etc., I personally would hate for someone to come in and start tidying up my house. Asking how you are is just generally a polite thing to do!

arianwe · 21/05/2020 17:57

Urg what a nightmare.

I would definitely lock the door and get your partner to have a stronger word with her since she clearly hasn't got the hint.

My MIL did the same thing with first grandchild. Turned up unannounced several times a week. she even turned up and walked in with her friend to show off our baby while we were eating our dinner on the sofa. I was furious and partner told her to stop. She continued to turn up and would just say "oh sorry I didn't text first" EVERY time. He had another stern word and she finally got the hint! Good luck with it all x

matchboxtwentyunwell · 21/05/2020 17:57

It need to stop. And your DH needs to stop it.

Text first is required, and then she has to wait to hear if it's a good time or not for you.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/05/2020 17:58

It sounds like her fil and husband work a farm, so it won’t be that straightforward to get a job and move.

DontStandSoClose · 21/05/2020 17:58

Well moving next door probably wasn’t the best plan but anyway. Lock the door when you are in. She can’t walk in through a locked door and add a note “baby sleeping” if you are worried she’ll knock.

I’m not sure why you would expect her to clean your house, or cook for you? You’ve had a baby not lost both arms and legs. I didn’t have people call to clean, nor would I expect it.

BrazenHusky74 · 21/05/2020 17:59

Exactly the same set up as us, IL's are our NDN and we all work together. Are you farmers by any chance? I've been living like this for 20 years, I've got myself a BIG dog and now they both knock and wait because they don't like the dog, he's also a barker so let's me know if they approach. I opened the door to FIL in my underwear and scared him away. I park where they can't see the car so they assume I'm out and if I do dare to leave the farm I drive through the exit that doesn't go by their house so they don't question DH as to my whereabouts. I get pleasure from doing silly things to annoy them, such as painting the previously white front door bright pink. If you are farmers never expect them to retire and move, my IL's will only be leaving in a box.

Roseburn · 21/05/2020 18:00

I too have no clue was chapping is? I thought you meant clapping

nah. Clapping is for the dug dog.

helpasisterout · 21/05/2020 18:04

Are you in a farming situation? If so very much the same as me, the lack of boundaries pisses me off to no end. I am also heavily pregnant and the 'popping over' annoys the crap out of me so I lock the door, don't answer it or my phone if I don't want to see her as trying to illustrate she can't just drop in whenever she likes when baby arrives especially.

I don't have much good advice other than get your DH to speak to her as it's not your doing that you live there. Hugs to you it is NOT easy.

JustStayHome · 21/05/2020 18:06

Get a lock on the door

But YABVU about her helping you with housework / cooking....
Why should she?

handbagsatdawn33 · 21/05/2020 18:10

@FastApprochingForty
"What do you call the "chap door run" game in England?"
"Knock down ginger" in London when I was young - no idea why.

Twisique · 21/05/2020 18:14

Take all your clothes off when you hear her knocking, she wont walk in again!

Whenwillthisbeover · 21/05/2020 18:14

I would also
Lock the door and if she bangs shout from the window shush the baby is asleep.

My MIL is ok. I live two streets from mum and one very long road in the opposite direction from MIL. It works great.

Teacher12345 · 21/05/2020 18:14

I had similar when DS was born.
MIL used to live 5 mins away and passed on her way to work. She used to pop in twice a day, always at nap time.
She also had a key. I put a key in the door so she couldn't get in.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 21/05/2020 18:16

You live next door to your in-laws? For the love of God, WHY!?

This isn't even a personal observation as to why she's being a boundary-stamping pain in the arse. I adored my late mum, she was my best friend in the world, we voluntarily spent time together and enjoyed each other's company and we never went more than a few days without speaking. But I wouldn't have wanted even her living in the adjoining house. There is such a thing as familiarity breeding contempt.

Failing an ability to move, a few firm boundaries coupled with a physically locked door are the least of what you need. Plus, hopefully, a partner who's on the same page.

Nightmare!