AIBU- MIL!!

[Needsomehope]

Looking for some perspective!

I have a newborn. MIL lives next door, and DH works with DFIL etc so for the purposes of lockdown we are ‘one household’ (decision made by my DH I wouldn’t of said we are but hey ho!)

Last night I lost it with MIL who keeps walking into our house unannounced. She will chap the door, and then if I don’t answer, she comes in and starts shouting ‘hello hello’.

The first couple of times I was annoyed but let it go and DH asked her to text me if she was planning on coming round as one of the times she work our baby that I had just spent an hour settling to sleep.

She did this again yesderday, turning up, unannounced, chapping the door that I ignored, and then walked straight in through our kitchen and through our house, shouting ‘hello hello’ again waking our baby up, just when I needed her to nap so I could make supper. I was visibly angry with her and was very short, she left very quickly when i made it obvious she was bothering us at a bad time.

Since having our baby she has made zero effort to help us out with any housework, cooking, gardening or even asked how I am. We don’t really have a relationship (positive or negative) but this is now swinging it towards a negative one.

AIBU that I should expect a text before coming round? Or that if I don’t answer the door she shouldn’t come in?

Should I expect more from her?

I would also get husband to ask them to text before coming. If that didn’t work, I’d be locking the door; then hours later protest innocence: you were sleeping, or busy with baby, in the garden etc and didn’t hear her. Eventually she’ll give up without a massive damaging confrontation.

Ps I would genuinely rather leave my husband (or at least live separately) rather than live next to my MIL

Yes, we Scots have different words for some things.

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder I had to explain to (long-term) DP yesterday what doing my messages means. God knows what he thought I'd be saying to him before. Going to the telegram office? To a swingers' party with some business cards?

OP how are you coping? It sounds tough

To the poster who asked what did clapping the dog means, it means patting or stroking the dog.

I don't understand this, even if my in laws lived next door to me, they wouldn't be able to just walk in, side gate has a lock (should back doors all be open) and front door can only be opened with a key from the outside. Sort this now or it will become a horrible 'new normal' for you (the worst phrase to come out of coronavirus!)

and why does your dh work with his dad rather than finding his own work?
Only on mumsnet! :O
If the other posters speculating that he's a farmer is correct, his dad will also be - hence the working together. It really doesn't take much to think before you type.
No OP YANBU!
It would drive me crazy. Yes to telling her you would like her to stop and yes to keeping the door locked in case she doesn't listen.

Lock you door. Also no idea why you expect her to help with household and gardening

I agree with PP, I would be pissed off.. but I’d also lock the door

I would ask DH to have a strong word with her.

I would also get husband to ask them to text before coming.

Why does the OP need to get her DH to do either of those things, why can't she talk to her MIL herself? I never understand this, just because it's his mum - she can talk to the woman herself, she doesn't have to be rude about it.

@Needsomehope, she shouldn't be walking into your home unannounced but don't hide behind your DH. You're a big girl now, you should be able to go in and say 'can you just let me know when you'd like to come in please, I don't feel comfortable with anyone walking into the house unannounced and it might not be a good time, why don't you come round ........... for a coffee'. There's nothing wrong with that - you don't want your DH saying to his mum along the lines of 'oh I don't mind, it's Need that doesn't like it' because then you're the bad guy and you haven't actually done anything wrong.

If you live next door (shudder) if would be good for your DD if you could have some kind of relationship with her. You just need to set your own boundaries.

and why does your dh work with his dad rather than finding his own work?

Seriously? FFS Hundreds of people work with their families, what a ridiculous question.

I apologise, I missed the OP's update about being disabled, that does make the MIL's attitude seem very wrong. She should definitely be looking for ways to help in that case

Change the password

She really shouldn't be doing this. You don't just walk in uninvited, even if you are closely related and live next door.

Who owns your house, by the way?

I was torn on this but just came down on the side of YANBU. But it’s early days and these are strange times, get bolts, chains and wedges so she can’t just walk in, tell her calmly what problems she’s causing and move on.

If that doesn’t work, prepare to move, either with or without DH. Good luck.💐

@FastApprochingForty where I live in Scotland it’s called chickenelly (i guessed at that spelling because it’s hardly a real word!)

@FastApprochingForty we call it knock down ginger where I live

Mumsnet really is a different world.

YABU because you can just lock your door. I think most people don’t have their doors open all day so people can just enter the house.
Also I do wonder what you thought would happen living next door to your in laws.

My MIL used to do this. We bought a house In her street when I was pregnant with our 1st. When he arrived she would call in on her way to/ way home from work all the time. She didn’t knock, she would just walk in and shout my name or shout hello! I was sat on the sofa expressing one time! It used to really annoy me! I started locking my door every time I got home.
We moved house 18 months ago and she’s not done it since. We still live near her but it’s not on her way to work any more so she’ll always text or call first now. In fact she rarely visits now. You are definitely NBU

For those questioning why the OP doesn't move or DH change jobs, farming doesn't work that way.
I compare my DH to Prince Charles waiting for the Queen to die as it is so feudal. The farmland and the houses are owned by the IL's. My husband has worked on the farm for 36 years, 100+ hrs a week for less than minimum wage, in all that time he has taken 8 holidays. DP could do a Harry and leave but he would be left with nothing.
But then again, the OP hasn't confirmed that this is a farming family.

In fact she rarely visits now What a sad statement

What do you call the "chap door run" game in England?

Knock Down Ginger.

OP i am in a very similar situation to you. We live adjoining to my parents, the houses are actually connected. We are also very rural and the doors are never locked nor do they have keys if we wanted to!! We also have a joint garden so gardening is shared
Some people are so short sighted, rural living is not the same as living in the city, people regularly just turn up knock the door and walk in. I think if it is becoming that much of an issue you either need to lock the door, or speak to her directly. Personally I would rather speak to her than have the door locked constantly! Good Luck

I have a relative whose son and wife live next door. They have the same phone line and number too so you never know who is going to answer when you ring. I remember being told they had knocked through the loft for easy access too but have not seen that.

Lock your door. You should have it locked even when in the house to be honest. Thieves are opportunistic and try doors randomly and if it's open, they will come in and steal stuff. They don't care if you're home either. It's just safer to have the door locked, they will move on to someone else's house then.

Sorry off on a tangent but I don't get why people don't lock their doors. Where I live, it's a couple of times a week I see people on FB saying that there are people walking round trying doors and coming into their homes. Yet none of them learn to lock the damn doors.