To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

[TurtleTortoise]

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September?

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

I'm not lumping everyone into any category. I'm saying that the tone of many of these threads, basically " you were all going to die soon anyway so why should we be put out to save you" is disgusting.

Totally agree OP. Have a few friends living on their own and were ok for a while but finding it really hard going now.
Really hoping for some restrictions to be lifted next week for so many reasons.

Which one will be up for a social chat?

Are there any volunteer groups around you ? Lots of people volunteer because they enjoy the human contact with other volunteers

Providing for the vulnerable is one of the reasons we are allowed out

As a person living alone, people need to get over it. You won't die from no social interactions or "hugs" for a few months. You can possibly die from contracting this contagious virus. The UK has the highest death rate in Europe. Get over it.

Whoa! Most of us who live alone are not demanding that lockdown is lifted because it's not fair and fuck everyone we want to touch people so we will! The point is, from most posts that I've read admittedly not all, that some of us are suffering and we're having a bit of a vent, a bit of a moment.

I've not broken any rules. I'm not going to break any rules. I understand that other people are in worse situations and I appreciate the fuck out of all frontline workers who are out there risking their own safety so that we can be safe.

I've also not told anyone in different circumstances to me to just suck it up because the alternative is death or the NHS falling apart because we can all of us, for all of our different reasons, be struggling hard and still accept that this has to continue for a while yet, at least.

So, thanks to all of those agreeing that we should just get over it, suck it up, deal with it, whatever, everyone, no matter what their circumstances - well if you're living in a mansion with a pool and blah, blah, my sympathies are limited - have a right to be finding this difficult as fuck and to really want contact without being told that we're selfish and stupid and whatever shit is being thrown around here.

You won't die from no social interactions or "hugs" for a few months.

Yeah, because a person who's mental health is tipped over the edge by this would never kill themselves or slip into dangerous addiction that can kill them? Surely, NOT! Nothing is as important as Covid-19, a virus that kills only a small percentage of those who contract it, even those who fall ill. So fuck everyone else, they can just 'get over it', their mental health problems, their delayed cancer treatment, their postponed much needed operations and medical procedures, agonising pain from untreated dental problems . . . if it's not Covid, it doesn't matter.

highmarkingsnowbile

But equally people will die or suffer injury if treatment is delayed or cancelled if Covid is allowed to run out of control. Many people have had chemotherapy delayed now not because of lack of capacity but because the threat of them catching the virus was just too high. The lower the risk of them catching it the quicker treatment can be reinstated.

Similarly, I've seen posters reporting that their, or their children's mental health has improved during lockdown. So it isn't black and white. Some people will suffer and some will benefit under different scenarios.

It hasn't run out of control, Hear. Dear god. The risk of dying form this is startlingly low and yes, the reality is that it is largely elderly people who are also obese. So now we've fucked the entire economy. Brilliant. All for the greater good. Really? Because it isn't when you look at it realistically.

Maybe this is a generalisation, but in my experience people who are trying to stick to lockdown but are really suffering are thinking carefully about how to alleviate their own serious problems in a way that involves minimum risk to themselves or others. Not partying and ignoring the rules with wild abandon.

The people who are blithely ignoring lockdown, for the most part I doubt they are mentally ill/isolated/vulnerable. They just don’t care.

It’s the ones who just don’t care who are potentially the danger. Not people making careful choices and risk assessments to weigh up the relative threats to their own and others’ physical and mental safety.

It hasn't run out of control,

I know it hasn't. It didn't run out of control because we locked down. Why is this so difficult to understand.

It's like if I'm diagnosed with cancer, have treatment but then declare that cancer doesn't kill you because I didn't die. I didn't die because of the intervention ( this is an example. I haven't had cancer).

And not being old or obese doesn't mean you are safe. Many outside of these groups have died, many have been very.ill and are taking weeks to recover. Not dead doesn't mean well.

@TurtleTortoise so sorry you’re having to deal with this all alone, sending hugs 🤗

Could you do what my sister (who lives alone) and my household have done. Both completely self isolating for 7 days, no shops, nowhere but house and garden etc and then seeing each other for a few days; seems like negligible risk xx

@thesuperfluousone...phone someone up I suppose.

I would if I had anybody to phone.

the reality is that it is largely elderly people who are also obese

er NO.

Are there any volunteer groups around you ? Lots of people volunteer because they enjoy the human contact with other volunteers

Probably but I am still working.

That's just not true though. There is absolutely endless talk about living alone in lockdown and mental health. Endless.

I would agree with this. Quite a lot of drama and that people are going to go down some spiral of mental health problems being on their own.

For all the hype and energy put into this ‘it’s terrible to be on my own’ - why don’t you do something positive? Like join the social NHS connections as a volunteer, and chat to another person who is on their own?

Volunteer online to see if you can help with any shopping etc to leave on someone’s door step.

Ask if you can join an advice line like samaritans or mental health support line?

I think the biggest divide can be those who are being quite me me me, and those that are getting on with it. If you are suffering, reach out, get help, do something. Help others in similar situations.

My mother is totally on her own and cannot go out even for a walk, and has chronic health problems and shielding. I’m happy to do my bit to keep the R number down for people like her, and the many more who would get sick for a long time, and to free up services like the NHs.

Why do you assume we're not doing anything, StayinginSummer?
Nice judgement there, obviously people alone are suffering because they're just not bothering to help others. FGS. I am so sick of this denial and blame when people are struggling mentally, and when it's from lacking a basic human need like normal contact with even one person. Why are we expected to be constantly empathetic and volunteering for others, when people lucky enough to have families can't be bothered to spare any empathy for us?

Fwiw I'm volunteering (although limited due to studying from home) also shopping for a friend. Also been phone support for other friends.

But I'm so broken. I'm having traumatic memories and losing the stability I worked for years for. I'm on the edge of dropping out of uni because I can't concentrate. I've been torn away from my loved ones, can't even have a hug. It's terrifying on a deep level to be apparently abandoned by everyone, I don't feel safe. My rational mind is not really managing to override the terror in my body, the reawakened trauma. I don't know how I'm going to recover even when lockdown is over. It's one trauma too many.

I’d didn’t assume, that’s my view and my advice. If you are doing that, great! Don’t succumb to yourself and over dwelling on your own feelings of helplessness will bring you spiralling down a rabbit hole. I get that emotional resilience takes time to build up, but focusing on the negatives in such a prolonged way won’t help.

Plenty of great advice here.

And to add, of course it can be difficult. I haven’t had a hug. My mum will die of she gets Covid. My husband is seeing random women and I have to live with him as Covid delayed my chance to leave.

It’s hard. But honestly, beyond a hand hold you do sound like you are getting carried away in your grief about yourself and if you want to make it through you have to help yourself mentally. It’s not to bury your feelings, but you need some perspective in order to rein in the destructive side of your thoughts here. Try online cognitive behaviour therapy which should help with those spiralling thoughts.

YANBU

It's beyond cruel now. I haven't read the thread but has anyone suggested starting a petition to get this looked at, ahhhh I can't even articulate what the petition would be for. My brain has gone to mush.
We need this to be looked at, I don't care when I can go to a football match or the pub (yes, I want people to be able to get back to work and not loose their jobs) but this, (human contact, company, the human touch) is more important than when the kids can go back to school. This needs to be discussed, I feel like we have completely been ignored.

That's not how trauma works. I don't choose to feel helpless, it's part of the involuntary trauma reaction. That's what I meant about rational mind not being able to override my body. I've been fighting this and recovering for so long, and the lack of human contact and sudden separation from loved ones is provoking old memories and accompanying terror that I'd thought was long gone.

You can choose to listen to more of the helpful suggestions on this thread - who are taking the time to reach out and genuinely help rather than just join in with saying it’s awful and will never be better. I mean that kindly. You could even offer a branch of empathy for me! Seeing others in their own difficulties could help yours.

@flirtingwith40 there are many ways that you can find human contact now. I wouldn’t wait for some directive? Understanding the risk you could choose one friend couldn’t you to have coffee with in the garden?

Yes, it's hard on single people. I think in many instances it might have been better for many had they temporarily moved in with someone else, but at the time that might not have seemed necessary.

In the end the restrictions are not sustainable in the long term, and the government knows this. Most seem to be looking at the best ways to open things up now and I suspect that it will improve for people fairly soon.

This is another reason why lockdown needs to end. The nation has sacrificed much and it is time to accept that some people will die during this. There are many other important facets to the pandemic that need some priority, not just the preservation of lives of those with the virus, at the expense of other lives.

I have several dearly loved relatives who are expected to live another 10+ years but who would be very unlikely to survive corona. Quite frankly, I’m not willing to sacrifice a decade of their company because somebody needs a hug.

Unless somebody is literally on the verge of suicide I struggle to see how mental discomfort is worth sacrificing someone else’s life, especially when an extra few weeks without a hug is unlikely to be something hugely concerning them a year from now, unlike the absence of a loved one who would’ve been around for quite a few more years.

Just to say I’m not having a go at you personally, OP (I’ve only read the first page). More just the general sentiment of some people.

I think part of the issue is that we’re not used to being restricted by nature anymore as a society. We’ve ridden roughshod over this planet and despite our knowledge that we can’t continue this way, we’ve raped our oceans, forests, natural resources, hunted species into extinction, etc.

We’re not used to the situation where we can’t do what we want, but the hard truth of the matter is that viruses don’t care about feelings. At the start of this crisis, before we had an idea of the infection rate, and before the new hospitals were built, we were at the stage where the NHS could have been overwhelmed. This could obviously have meant a lot of deaths which would otherwise have been likely prevented.

It’s horrible being isolated but it’s nowhere near as horrible as watching your spouse or a child dying at home in front of you. Imagine the person you love most in the world lying in bed gasping for breath and knowing that in usual circumstances they would be on a respirator and very probably survive. If that was to become a widespread occurrence people wouldn’t even be thinking about hugs etc.

But the thing is, it’s entirely possible that this could come back given how quickly lockdown has been thrown to the wind the past week. I think it’s unlikely but still definitely possible. I don’t think people would be as obedient as the first time round but I’m also fairly certain that the government would impose stronger measures as needed, which is what they have already alluded to. I mean, last time I checked scientists weren’t even sure whether covid victims develop immunity from future infection.

We need to be prepared for that unlikely possibility and I don’t think many are.

@ManOfDonuts I really agree. Not directed at OP either but many people do seem to have a very hard time accepting what is a relatively small ask, in order to protect others. It’s really not the worst thing ever to not see people for a while. My mother who will die if she gets Covid is looking at months without any contact or even stepping outside her home. I have much more sympathy for her than someone non shielding who is able to walk, and see people outside staying 2m apart.

It's not about trying to outdo each other regarding who has it worse, though, is it? This is about individuals and for some, this situation is the worst nightmare ever. They don't want to feel as they do and are generally trying to cope but the anguish is still within them.

TurtleTortoise Sat 23-May-20 00:34:51
That's not how trauma works. I don't choose to feel helpless, it's part of the involuntary trauma reaction. That's what I meant about rational mind not being able to override my body. I've been fighting this and recovering for so long, and the lack of human contact and sudden separation from loved ones is provoking old memories and accompanying terror that I'd thought was long gone.

What Turtle posted today, above, really hit home to me more than anything she said yesterday. I can almost feel her pain.

What can we do to help people in that situation? I did a lot of googling earlier and found various self help articles but somehow I feel they are a drop in the ocean.

I would like to think I'm a helpful person but I feel inadequate when I read about the pain so many are experiencing.

It may seem to an outsider that others have it worse but they aren't feeling what Turtle is feeling. Her anguish is palpable! She is not the only one, there was a poster on here yesterday who was experiencing similar and it was heartbreaking.