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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
Tish008 · 21/05/2020 13:58

I live alone and work from home for nearly two years now.

I also have a food delivery each week as I am on the vulnerable list. So had not touched or talked face to face to another human from lock down to the beginning of May.

My partner visited for the day and just having a hug was very overwhelming.

Most days I manage fine as I am introverted but I can get down some days and just want a hug or share a cup of tea with someone. However I will remain social distancing for a while but I will allow my partner to visit who has also been isolating.

Unshriven · 21/05/2020 13:58

OP do you work?

Most people I know who live alone are surrounded by people at work all day, or are out and about in parks, on walks, catching up on stuff at home, online, and yes, meeting people.

I don't know anyone who's shut themselves away entirely.

Even my cousin who's shielded has been having loud conversations through the window.

Are you making this harder than it needs to be?

Eyewhisker · 21/05/2020 14:01

Now that the virus is under control, it would make sense to ease some of the restrictions. Only 1% of deaths were in those under 45 so it is ridiculous to continue to ban 18 year olds from meeting with their boyfriend. So those under 45 could meet in small groups.

However the risk to the over 70s is totally different so still caution with the elderly.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 21/05/2020 14:02

Some people have regarded lockdown as an opportunity to recharge batteries, catch up with jobs and tasks etc that they haven’t had time for. Some have found it beneficial to have quiet time, time to think and not rush about.

Others have put up with it because there isn’t an alternative, have enjoyed some of it and have had some off days too.

Some people have hated every second and I wonder I’d an analysis would show a correlation with single person households, or those where partners are working long hours.

If anyone were to look at the statistics for deteriorated mental health and suicide as a result of this, I bet the numbers would be large. That is a tragedy too.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 21/05/2020 14:03

I totally agree with you OP which is why lockdown needs to end.
It makes me so angry that pre- lockdown everyone was posting on social media all that crap about "be kind" and "respect mental health issues" then as soon as lockdown hit, if anyone dared suggest they were struggling with it they got called a murderer or something equally ridiculous.

There WILL be a fallout to this and it will be an increase in suicides, and admissions to mental health units. Noone cares about that because it seems like the only deaths anyone cares about are covid deaths- if you die of anything else, well- tough shit apparently.

I'm really sorry you are struggling and if I was you I would be meeting friends and hugging them. There comes a point where you have to balance the risks and if your mental health is so rock bottom then that has to take precedence. I think alot of people are feeling "enough now" and I totally get it.

MrMeeseekscando · 21/05/2020 14:09

@Lynda07
I was being deliberately vague.
I cannot move right now and I was referring to someone having a go at me.
It's a common phrase. Smile

m0therofdragons · 21/05/2020 14:09

There’s a middle ground. I’ve met my single friend for a run but stayed at least 2m apart at all times.

It’s not comparable to children as there is a legal right to see each parent. What would you say? All dc must stay with mum?

I really think it’s been tough on single people but this isn’t done to do that, it’s a crappy side affect of trying to control a deadly virus.

PafLeChien · 21/05/2020 14:10

You are an adult, you cannot compare yourself with a child who has no say on what is happening to them.

I can think of a couple of people who decided that they didn't want to be alone and moved in with a friend before the lockdown, the same way some people chose to go to their holiday home. It might displease the locals, but the royals show the way, so why not.

People have never stopped working, there has been teams of builders in houses, and other tradesmen. If you are in the UK, you have never been prevented from doing anything, they were merely restrictions trying not to overflow the NHS and give a chance of survival to victims. You use your common sense and follow advice like most of us, you are not a martyr.

Nothing ever forced you to isolate yourself completely.

You can't expect the government to pretend the pandemic is behind us and it's ok for everybody to start mixing up. We are not there yet.

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 14:11

Because they are not considered at all, lockdown or no lockdown. They are the invisible ones, especially the ones who are lonely and aren't pensioners; all of the schemes aimed at combatting loneliness are aimed at older people.

The last time I had a social conversation with somebody unrelated to me was so long ago that I couldn't tell you when it was. I haven't been out socially in about 4 years.

PafLeChien · 21/05/2020 14:11

if anyone dared suggest they were struggling with it they got called a murderer or something equally ridiculous.

EVERYBODY is struggling with it, but some people would rather keep it as short as possibly, not dragging it for months and months...

UnaCorda · 21/05/2020 14:14

I don't think YABU, but where exactly does one get physical contact from as a single person, even under normal circumstances? I don't live near extended family, am not huggy with friends and don't have any sort of FWB.

Frankly I'd probably rather have a shag than a pity hug from someone, but I hadn't had any (non sexual) physical contact since seeing family at Christmas and I've no reason to think the months we've been in lockdown would have been any different, even without CV.

AnotherEmma · 21/05/2020 14:16

YANBU.

Just do it. Pick someone who you would really like to see and who isn't shielding and is preferably not "vulnerable" either (although fwiw I think the vulnerable list is very long and some will be more vulnerable than others). Preferably someone who is not a frontline health worker either. And see them!

Your mental health is important.

Flowers
megrichardson · 21/05/2020 14:18

I live alone and I don't feel neglected by anyone. There's people who are having it a lot worse, like victims of DV or parents living in flats with young children or those with revolting neighbours. Loads of people have got it really hard right now.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 21/05/2020 14:18

EVERYBODY is struggling with it, but some people would rather keep it as short as possibly, not dragging it for months and months

They arent though- ive seen plenty of posts where people are saying they are enjoying it. I can see why- if youve been furloughed on full pay, have no money worries and are getting to relax at home, sunbathe in your garden and watch netflix then of course its ok.

But lots of people arent in that situation and there appears very little consideration of this from people whom it isnt affecting much. For example- a few retired people I know (who are very well off) keep saying that lockdown should last until a vaccine is discovered. In my opinion, thats incredibly selfish because lockdown really isnt affecting them at all- their income is exactly the same, they have huge houses with loads of space and a large garden, their family lives away so they dont see them much anyway so really- their lives havent really changed at all. But for others- lockdown has completely devastated them.

ClientQ · 21/05/2020 14:19

It's hard but manageable. I'm shielding so no walks etc and live alone. Working now so I get to speak to people at least! I haven't seen or hugged anyone since mid March

AgentCooper · 21/05/2020 14:19

I agree with you completely. The damage this is doing to people’s mental well-being is awful.

I don’t live alone, I have a toddler and DH working upstairs but I’m still lonely. You have it much tougher than me Flowers

callmeadoctor · 21/05/2020 14:19

OP what do you suggest the government do?

DailyFailstinks · 21/05/2020 14:21

Completely agree OP. It has been so hard for us single people and we seem to get brushed under the carpet as ‘at least we’re not homeschooling children / caring for a disabled partner, etc etc’. All of which is true of course but it doesn’t make being alone for weeks on end any less shit.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 21/05/2020 14:22

Lots of single people are key workers and still going out to work, so are not isolated.

Lots of people haven't been alone since the beginning of March for even a minute and are living in small flats or houses with multiple people - for lots of people this is harder than being alone and is leading to huge amounts of conflict and unbearable stress levels.

Being a single parent without a coparent involved/ alive (so nobody to send the children to, ever) to small children and still expected to work full time is defintely harder than living completely alone with lonelyness but complete freedom to use your time as you will (and I am not a single parent, I'm not saying that to play competitive misery but because it is objectively true).

Your apparent fixed belief that it's a self evident fact that single adults should be prioritised above children are - suprising.

As other posters have said, many people are pretty happy in their own company and don't need to be within two meters of anyone particularly.

Many people aren't huggy and won't be in the habit of hugging friends or siblings or even their parents, so won't be particularly bothered as long as they have people to talk to on socially distancd walks, over the phone or in the garden at 2m distance.

The situation is difficult for everyone and the reasons it's difficult vary, and it'S clear that you are struggling like many others - but you are unreasonable to say that single people have been any more neglected or hard done by than working mothers especially who are not furloughed, especially single parents of children who have the children 24/7 who cannot be independent for one reason or another (SN, age etc) especially those in built up areas with cramped living conditions.

17million · 21/05/2020 14:24

my last hug with my family - as a caring mother and grandparent was on Mother's day - but I am aware my health conditions force me to be circumspect.

However they as a household visit me - in my garden so ignoring the stupid one person only from another household meeting in a garden which makes no sense. I chat to people who I see outside but have no desire to 'hug' them, 6 feet apart is fine.

I did go and visit my sister this week who is also of mature years - and this is after 3 months when normally we would meet up every 4 weeks or so. That was so liberating and opened a chink of light into the whole situation.
We are both brought up immediately post war to grit out teeth and get on with everything life deigns to throw at us - but even we are finding living alone, which is what we are used to, difficult as far as family are concerned.

Sadly single people of any age are largely ignored in government policies or indeed in life in general yet some 31% of the population live alone.

FatRascalsAndJam · 21/05/2020 14:25

@Bluebellpainting I don’t think your 6mo will count as an extra person in your example - i’d get out for a walk with a friend if I were you. And I don’t think this is bending the rules, there’s a difference between taking a primary aged kid to the park with a friend and their children and going for a walk with a friend with little ones in a buggy.

Really, the ability to bend the rules to particular scenarios is the reason ‘social bubbles’ /mixing of households hasn’t happened. With our ‘great British common sense’, any rule that would allow single or vulnerable people to meet with one other household would become extended family BBQs/people travelling long distances to visit friends and family in no time. We can’t be trusted to act in the common good.

Unshriven · 21/05/2020 14:25

AllIMissNowIsTheSea , I'm so glad you mentioned the hugging thing.

I'm the least tactile person ever, and now even reading the word 'hug' makes my skin crawl. Grin

People seem obsessed!

CovidicusRex · 21/05/2020 14:25

There is scope within the rules already for single people to see others. If you’re so vulnerable that you can’t be alone for a few months then someone can come to your house to ‘care’ for you.

DotBall · 21/05/2020 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

emmathedilemma · 21/05/2020 14:26

Totally agree with you! Also haven't had personal contact other passing people i know in the street and chat with neighbours from a distance, since 10th March. It absolutely sucks, i've questioned my own mental health so many times in the last few weeks that I don't know what's normal and what's not any more. I love living on my own normally but this is killing me.

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