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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think people living alone have been appallingly neglected?

366 replies

TurtleTortoise · 21/05/2020 12:23

From the beginnning of lockdown, they have allowed children to move between households. Children were allowed to potentially spread covid (we didn't know then that they might not be spreaders) presumably because the risk of emotional harm from being separated from a parent was considered too great. So why the fuck, over eight weeks later, have they still not considered the harm being caused to people living alone?

There was a mention in the government document released last week that in the next stage, when schools open, they might change social rules for people living alone, eg. to be allowed to mix mormally with one household. For a start, WTF?? How on earth are those two things comparable enough that single people have to wait until multiple children and adults can be in a school before they can hug even ONE other person? If they delay schools going back, does that mean they'll forget us too? Are we supposed to wait until September? Shock

Secondly, I looked specifically for articles over the last week that may be speculating or have further information about this. The only thing I came up with was this: Like millions, I've paid a 'single penalty' in lockdown – so why is no one talking about it?

The last hug I had was on March 9 — yes, so important I know the date. I’m on my own and feeling it. No love, no human touch. No hugs, no hand-holding. I hate this. Touch makes us feel safe, calms us and releases the ‘love hormone’ oxytocin. I miss oxytocin.
...
Those of us who are alone “are in a uniquely difficult position right now,” she adds. “We are social creatures; we are programmed from birth to connect with other people — our whole biological system (brain, body and central nervous system) is hard-wired to form attachments with others. We need other people. What’s the worst punishment inflicted on people in prison? Solitary confinement."

This was the only relevant article that came up in my search. So why aren't there more? Why isn't anyone talking about it, or better still actually making policy to address it? How can they be allowed to do this to single people without breaking some kind of human rights thing about right to family life or something?

I am really struggling, as is probably obvious. I'm actively being traumatised by this, on top of pre-existing trauma. Meeting one person at a time from 2m away just doesn't cut it. Why haven't they recognised the importance of human touch? And anyway, anyone can do that - why havent they considered people living alone specifically, before others? Why must we wait until it's safe for everyone to meet, when we have greater need and lower risk in terms of the number of people we'd pass it on to?

It seem so cruel. As if it's not devastating enough already to be without partner and children! Now our close friends and loved ones are torn away by this cold-hearted government, and no-one seems to care.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 21/05/2020 18:54

Thank you Turtle

It’s annoyed me from the start. I understand why children might need to switch houses but why doesn’t that consideration apply in different situations and to adults?

I have a friend, single parent, father not around, I used to have her DD two evenings a week. Not allowed now. Ridiculous.

The bubble idea would have worked well for track and trace. I’ve not been legally permitted to see anyone outside my flat till, was it week 8?

speakout · 21/05/2020 18:55

*I don't think that I've been appallingly neglected.

As a single person, I might not have human touch, but I have peace and calm. I'm also not at risk of harm at anyone's hands other than my own.

Off the top of my head, I am more concerned about people in abusive relationships, and people who are carers and have no respite. Sometimes not being alone is not a happy place to be.*

Great post.

People are struggling for all sorts of reasons as this post illustrates.

I am a carer for two family members- no respite.

HesterShaw1 · 21/05/2020 18:58

OP I hear you. I'm single having ended my unhappy marriage 18 months or so ago. I'm also self employed and my work has entirely stopped. No kids. Mum and sister are a long way away. A few months before lockdown I started a new relationship with someone I was extremely happy with. We were very physical and affectionate, and loving that.

Several weeks ago I couldn't bear this existence any more...it was like falling into an awful black pit. Quite frankly I wasn't prepared to let that happen and we have been meeting up every week or so since. I've met a girl friend for a walk too and we had several hugs. Anyone who wants to have a go can if they like, but I don't care. I couldn't live like that.

novacaneforthepain · 21/05/2020 19:09

Everyone is struggling for different reasons and everyone thinks they have it worse than others.

I think it would be fair to speak for yourself and not everyone who is on their own

LilacTree1 · 21/05/2020 19:14

Lynda

One of your replies just looks like a cruel piss take of the poster.

formerbabe · 21/05/2020 19:20

Several weeks ago I couldn't bear this existence any more...it was like falling into an awful black pit. Quite frankly I wasn't prepared to let that happen and we have been meeting up every week or so since. I've met a girl friend for a walk too and we had several hugs. Anyone who wants to have a go can if they like, but I don't care. I couldn't live like that

I don't blame you. I'm not alone but if I lived alone and had a boyfriend, I'd probably see him. Why are we protecting lives by making life unbearable? If you're elderly or vulnerable, stay at home..I'll take my chances

thesuperfluousone · 21/05/2020 19:25

; you may find one local to you which could lead to meet ups when times are better.

That's never going to happen. BTW you are repeatedly getting my MN name wrong.

Nonotthatdr · 21/05/2020 19:28

I haven’t read the the thread but this was asked to I think Jenny Harris (deputy cmo) right at the start when she was asked if people could see their partners, - she basically said either choose to move in for the duration or don’t, but choose and stick to it.

When we heard this my mum moved in with my grandad and my sister stayed with my dad (grandad is too frail to move to my parents house) so that no one is alone. I assumed most people did this? On my fb loads of people I knew where finding where to be for lockdown.

I understand that some people won’t have anyone else to live with but I guess there the people that are usually alone and not routinely hugging and being intimate with a partner or parent so this isn’t such a big issue?

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2020 19:38

Who is causing the violence Betty? That sounds horrendous.

MarginalGain · 21/05/2020 19:43

@HesterShaw1
Flowers

Sending you a glass of Wine and a germy hug.

Lynda07 · 21/05/2020 19:43

thesuperfluousone

I'm sorry, I've copied it this time rather than trying to remember it - without my reading glasses which I sat on! Typical of me.

I hope things improve for you.

Regarding possibly meeting up with people locally when this is over, I can't see me doing that either but I know some enjoy that sort of thing. When I was young and younger I used to feel desperately lonely at times, I can remember the feeling very well, it was painful; it had nothing to do with being or not being with people though, there were people in my life but it was just my state of mind. Whatever your situation you have to be with yourself first and foremost, a rather obvious thing to say. It doesn't bother me at all now but I could conjour up the strange feeling of isolation if I chose, as if the world was going on around me but I was in a glass jar through which I could see but not be a part of. We are strange, complex creatures.
..............
LilacTree1 Thu 21-May-20 19:14:00
Lynda

One of your replies just looks like a cruel piss take of the poster.

....

Oh no! I wouldn't do that intentionally,, apologies to whoever it was.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/05/2020 19:49

A lot of people I know who live alone have ever so slightly bent the rules

So socially distanced visits to gardens , socially distanced walks etc

I think more creativity could be applied rather than bashing the govt

I Also think kids rule is not because they matter more , but because of working parents and court arrangements

I thick your anger is a bit much and - I hope you can find some ways to feel connected again without risking life and limb

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 21/05/2020 19:52

@Nonotthatdr that's exactly what I posted on another thread.

I now know a few people who have moved in with others. In most cases to be their carer as they live too far away to travel to them daily, but in the others just for company.

randomer · 21/05/2020 19:53

I just contacted Anxiety UK. I was able to quickly speak to somebody and get some support.

i hope this helps somebody.

MarginalGain · 21/05/2020 19:54

It wouldn't even occur to me to not see a promising new boyfriend during lockdown. Sorry. I guess Dr. Ferguson feels the same.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 21/05/2020 19:54

When we heard this my mum moved in with my grandad and my sister stayed with my dad (grandad is too frail to move to my parents house) so that no one is alone. I assumed most people did this?

No I didn't, because as I said elsewhere on this thread:
a) nowhere suitable to go (either no space to sleep or no space to work or too far away)
b) my contents insurance becomes invalid if I leave my flat empty for more than a certain period, so even if I had somewhere else to go I couldn't have just moved somewhere else for an indefinite time
Another PP has also pointed out that lots of people living alone don't have a handy nearby friend or relative who has space for them to move in indefinitely.

I understand that some people won’t have anyone else to live with but I guess there the people that are usually alone and not routinely hugging and being intimate with a partner or parent so this isn’t such a big issue?

Nope not usually alone. I usually spend weekends with my boyfriend, or on regular visits to non-local friends. Weekday evenings I am fairly often alone, but with a sprinkling of seeing my boyfriend, seeing a local friend or an occasional night out with work colleagues. I also see family but due to distance not overly often. I obviously am routinely intimate with and hug my boyfriend, I hug my friends, I hug my family, and occasionally I might get a hug from a colleague. Just because a person doesn't have someone they are able to move in with doesn't mean they are usually alone, have no friends or partner and are never hugged.

lobsterkiller · 21/05/2020 19:57

I live on my own. Since lockdown I have not met a member of my family or friends, of course I have been talking to them though.

I know it must be very hard for some people. I'm introverted so I feel it less but I do miss seeing them all and even at my age I would love a hug from my mam but I'd rather speak on the phone than put anyone at risk.

LilacTree1 · 21/05/2020 20:15

Randomer do you mind if I ask what help was given?

In theory I could have moved in with mum. In practice, there were several reasons it was a bad idea - not least, medical.

I hope there’s no crossover between people saying “you could have moved somewhere else” and saying “don’t go where there’s fewer medical resources for locals” because she has way less access to anything.

I’m maybe clinically more at risk than she is and I thought it would be a good idea to be near my GP for my other underlying conditions and prescriptions etc. I didn’t realise GPs would only do telephone at the start of this.

And don’t forget no one knew how long this would be, and they changed the goalposts throughout.

wildcherries · 21/05/2020 20:22

Just because a person doesn't have someone they are able to move in with doesn't mean they are usually alone, have no friends or partner and are never hugged.

Exactly. And as PP said, no one knew it was going to be for this long.

LilacTree1 · 21/05/2020 20:29

Also puzzled by this idea that living alone means being alone. I lost my job at the start of this so not counting work colleagues, in a normal week I’d see mum, best friend, a friend for whom I do childcare, the child - who is now 12 and great company for Auntie
Lilac - and a couple of local contacts. Fortnightly, I see my sister who is about 50 miles away.

Lockdown is a massive change. Just because I live alone, that doesn’t mean I’m normally lonely.

Well, we’ve got people with families posting in this thread because they miss their friends and other family.

randomer · 21/05/2020 20:34

No, I don't mind at all. It was a volunteer who answered the phone quickly and listened and made suggestions. there are some good ideas on the website.

i tend to switch off when I hear about digital stuff but some of it is worth a look.

LilacTree1 · 21/05/2020 20:38

Thanks randomer

Ravenesque · 21/05/2020 20:57

I'm generally quite, I don't know, ambi-social. I can be very antisocial and will quite happily spend a week not going out and about and be happy with it. But, I do like spending time with friends, etc and I'm a very Huggy person. I met up with a friend last week for the first time since February and it was lovely, but I do feel that at some point I'm just going to start randomly touching strangers because the lack of skin on skin contact is really, really difficult. I think it's easy to say that we should all be able to cope, but some can cope better than others and even those of us who are dealing pretty well will have days where we just want to burn the world down because it's all too much.

As a single ambivert I'm finding it pretty hard. I'm aware that I'm not alone in this and also aware that I'm better off than quite a lot of people because all of us have our own shit to deal with, but yes, no physical contact is hard. I'm just glad that I'm a bookworm because it means I get to escape to somewhere else daily.

MadameMarie · 21/05/2020 20:57

I consider myself lucky to live alone at the moment. Couldn't think of anything worse than being cooped up with others all day every day for months.

NietzschePeachPearPlum · 21/05/2020 21:05

There are very many people for whom this situation is very difficult, some alone, some not. There are also many people who are managing just fine, some alone, some not.

I don’t think that people on their own warrant more concern than various other groups; however I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP.