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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

346 replies

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 09:16

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

OP posts:
MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:02

Bigusbumus

Thank you so much for your reply!
I'm glad you can see my point.
Hiding the snacks is an option too, as I won't stop buying them like some other posters suggested, because then that wouldn't be fair on the others, and don't want to cause any kind of resentment between them and her.

OP posts:
CeibaTree · 21/05/2020 11:04

I don't this is stealing as pp have said, more extreme comfort eating. You need to get to the bottom of why she feels she needs to do that. Definitely don't 'punish' her for it as this could backfire drastically and have life-long repercussions in the form of disordered eating.

sugarbum · 21/05/2020 11:06

I'd get a lock box. (lockabox) I actually have two, because my 13 year old is mammoth sized and can't stop eating, and he will go for the sweet stuff if its there. He knows he's not supposed to, but he's a kid, and the desire to stuff his face is greater than the desire to do what he's told.
I buy crackers now, as they fill him up more than biscuits and they don't have the same levels of sugar.

I would also be worried about using the terminology 'stealing' and maybe try 'eating more than your fair share' or similar. I had an eating disorder by the time I was 11 and I don't think it helps to shame her about it. If she is binge eating and not just hungry, its going to make things worse. Let her know that if she feels hungry, to come to you and you'll organise a snack.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/05/2020 11:07

We will talk to her again and explain that she can't continue to do this and try and see if she will tel us if something is bothering her

I’d also recommend the book “how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk” which might give you some alternative strategies for talking to her about it in a way that gives her space to talk about it from her point of view.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/05/2020 11:18

Everyone having a go at the op, would you not be bothered if one of your kids was taking food in the middle of the night? We are on a budget here due to pay cuts and furlough, I'd be bloody bothered

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:19

Thank you.
I do feel like I've been given quite a hard time and every single word I've written has been picked apart.
I'm not the perfect parent I make mistakes, like I'm sure everyone does.
Probably my own fault for posting in AIBU though 🙈

OP posts:
monkeyonthetable · 21/05/2020 11:20

@UnfinishedSymphon - yes it could be frustrating due to budgeting but I'd be far more worried about the emotional eating. If I was on a really tight budget, I'd not be spending money on individual packets of midget gems with zero nutritional value, that trigger sugar cravings.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 21/05/2020 11:22

Don’t call that stealing for a start.

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:22

Oh for goodness sake monkey
Come on!
Don't for one second assume that's all I have in my cupboards cos u really have no idea!! There is more than enough healthy and balanced snacks which aren't full of sugar available for all the children.
Yes I buy them some treats that's are sugary because as long as they have a balanced diet I don't see the problem!
Just so happens that the things she decided to take was those kind of snacks

OP posts:
Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 21/05/2020 11:23

Just a thought but hormonal imbalance? I get so so so hungry when I’m ovulating and I literally cannot stop. Could it be something she can’t control? Does she have mood swings? Bad skin?

Toilenstripes · 21/05/2020 11:26

She’s not stealing at all! That’s an inflammatory way of understanding and representing her actions that says more about you than her. I would be looking in the mirror OP.

Tonz · 21/05/2020 11:29

My 7 year old is the same. Wakes up in the middle of the night and goes downstairs and takes whatever he likes. If I'm awake and hear him I go down and ask if he's hungry and if he is il make him a sandwich or some toast or whatever he wants. He says he doesn't want to wake me so he just takes crisps or biscuits. Maybe she is just hungry but doesn't want to wake anybody up

Sceptre86 · 21/05/2020 11:30

I wouldn't call it stealing either as surely the food in the house is open for all to eat however you have rules and she should be abiding by them just like the other children. Otherwise you are right it will be a free for all and your shipping bill will be through the roof plus the kids will not be eating healthily. Have you had a look in her room? Is she actually eating them herself or dividing them up between her and the rest of the kids? We have a house alarm which would be triggered if someone went downstairs after it has been set, maybe that is an idea (albeit extreme).

Tbh I would talk to her and try to get to the root cause. Explain that she must ask during the day if she wants biscuits etc but is not allowed to be sneaking down at night to get food. Also explain that she should not be eating in the middle of the night but sleeping instead. Maybe take her to the drs too so they can run blood tests to make sure she isn't deficient in anything?

Tonz · 21/05/2020 11:31

And no i wouldn't say he is stealing. Food in my house is there for whoever wants it

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:34

As I've said more than once I'm not here to justify whether or not stealing is the right word to use.
In our house, with our rules, it's stealing, regardless of what any of you would call it. Taking something without asking is stealing and that's that.
Yes the food is for everyone to eat but not without asking. And that's always has and always will be a rule here.

OP posts:
Tonz · 21/05/2020 11:41

Maybe she is hungry but doesn't want to wake you so just takes what is easiest for her.

UngainlyGiraffe · 21/05/2020 11:43

Okay - you can see it as stealing. That's up to you. But it's really important you consider the language you use with you SDD.

If there is an underlying issue, piling further guilt onto her is not going to fix the problem. Instead of telling her off, you need to ask why she's doing it.

You also need to consider what you want her to do - if she does want a midnight snack, is she supposed to come and wake you and ask? If she's genuinely waking up hungry, is there a different snack she's allowed to just take? Have you given her any alternatives rather than just telling her she's wrong?

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:43

The thing with that is I also don't want her to get into a habit of waking in the middle of the night to eat. Cos that's not healthy either. I always give a bedtime snack like toast or fruit with either milk or hot chocolate so maybe should increase the size of that snack. If it's hunger but not sure it is, think she just takes because she can to be honest.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 21/05/2020 11:44

OP you are very resistant to addressing the fact she may be unhappy. I imagine this is because you are putting a lot of effort into making your blended family work and expect to see a return on that.

But she doesn't sound happy or settled at all to me - she sounds insecure, anxious and in desperate need of comfort and control, which she is getting for herself the only way she knows how in spite of the trouble it is getting her in - doesn't that tell you something about this, that it's so compulsive this normally well-behaved child just can't stop doing it?

What on earth kind of 9 year old gets their kicks out of following their parent around helping with chores? One who feels like the love they get depends on what they contribute, I'd venture. She sounds overeager to please. It seems incredible obvious to me she has abandonment issues as her mother doesn't want to know much of the time, and her father (who it sounds like she did not live with full time before you all moved in together?) has upon assuming the resident parent role delegated the vast majority of parenting to his new wife. This may be of necessity but that is an adult concern, and doesn't lessen the impact on her. If all that had happened to me I wouldn't feel safe or loved; I'd feel like a parcel being passed around because nobody wants to take responsibility for it.

You explain how well she has responded to boundaries and routine which she didn't have with her mother; this is a big change for her, for all it is positive, and she has had a LOT of change in a relatively short time - her parents breaking up, living with her mother, moving in with your family, a new half-sibling and 3 new step siblings, a new stepmother with a completely different approach to raising children who is so invested in treating all the children in the family 'exactly the same' she makes no allowance for the completely different environment her two step children are coming from. She has had no choice in ANY of this. Even if she is not actually unhappy with the situation she is in, the sense of powerlessness and insecurity must be very destabilising.

Even your protestations that you 'love them all exactly the same' and that the fact they are not yours 'biologically' makes no difference, are actually quite troubling to me. You are NEW in this girl's life as a parent. She is new to you as a child. Your relationship is not, can not, SHOULD not be the same (i speak as a step child). It seems like you are really invested in your ideal of your blended family, and are therefore very intolerant of anything which goes against that ideal.

First thing I'd do is put all the snack food out of reach. That deals with the immediate problem.

Then I'd make sure her father makes some time for her. Alright you can't delay discipline on every matter for his two until he comes home; but this is not a live issue once the food is out of reach, it can be dealt with at leisure. So HE needs to spend some one on one time with her, talk about how she's feeling in general about her mum, her new family, and only when she's in a space to open up start talking about the secret eating. She's a child, SHE won't really understand why she's doing this or why she can't stop. He needs to help her draw those lines and alleviate the fears that are making her seek comfort like this. I think the best thing he can do is reassure her, explicitly, that she is going to be living with him for good, he will always want her, and he is never going anywhere whatever happens. She needs a strong attachment figure, it sounds like she has never really had the opportunity to establish that, and she is not going to be able to securely graft that onto you who she's only had in her life a couple of years. She needs to feel safe.

The other interesting thing in this is his second child. Are they much younger? How are they dealing with the loss of contact/residency with their mother?

UngainlyGiraffe · 21/05/2020 11:45

But there is still another problem here too - she's waking in the night on a regular basis. Why? Is something bothering her? Are you sure it's not hungry?

I don't doubt that you are good mother, but there clearly is a problem here and it's not as simple as just 'stealing' food.

Dillybear · 21/05/2020 11:45

I work with traumatised children, and a child’s (or a person’s) relationship with food is so often linked to their emotions. Think about how often we as adults try to make ourselves feel better with cake or ice cream, or whatever.

Your SDD has gone through probably more trauma than you realise. She will feel pushed away and rejected by her mum. At her core, she will feel not good enough, not loveable enough. She probably feels that if she had been better maybe her mum would love her/want to spend time with her more (you describe her as being very eager to please). She probably dealt with more neglect and uncertainty than you or your DH realise in her DM’s care. If she’s the older child, she may well have taken on caring responsibilities for her DM and/or her sibling (possibly having to get her and a sibling food at times).

She will feel these feelings at such a fundamental level she may not, even if she is really bright and articulate, be able to express it verbally to you. Sometimes children just can’t put into words the feelings of worthlessness caused by rejection by a parent (especially their mother). They’re such big feelings. So if you ask her about it, she may talk about being hungry or say she doesn’t know why she does it. She is likely to feel very ashamed of herself and to not really understand what she’s doing or why.

If I were you I would leave snacks out for her, even with a note saying that you love her. Meet this behaviour - which is a form of self soothing - with love and empathy not discipline.

I’m so glad you’re going to seek counselling for her, she clearly needs it. Whilst you can (and are!) give her lots of love and structure, which is a brilliant thing and will undoubtedly help her, sometimes that’s just not enough on its own.

Wishing you and her the best of luck.

MrsVeryTired · 21/05/2020 11:46

OP, its not about the biscuits. You are trying your best to be "fair and equal" to all your kids, but life hasn't been fair and equal to the 2 that hardly see their mum. You can't change that but you need to be aware that it is a big issue.

Her mum hardly wants to see her, she probably can't say how this makes her feel at 9 but at she gets older she might be able to.

You say how much she likes teddies, that also signifies the 'missing the mum' emotional attachment IMO, maybe baby her a little occasionally, brushing her hair etc (not suggesting you don't do that already) but try to treat her as a little bit special sometimes.

And agree with others, rephrase the taking of the biscuits, when you know she's done it just minimise it, just comment something little "you know you should ask before taking treats", maybe focus on the fact that she'll have brushed her teeth at bedtime and shouldn't be having sugar as you don't want her to harm her lovely teeth.

She needs some special treatment, look up equity vs equality. Your own children live with their mum who loves and cares for them, she lives with you who loves and cares for her, but she knows you're not her mum and her mum hardly wants to see her, that is a big deal.

Best wishes Flowers give her a big cuddle.

icansmellburningleaves · 21/05/2020 11:48

It’s hardly stealing if she lives in the house. You sound like you don’t like her, describing her as your husband’s daughter. You make it sound like she’s an outcast in her own house.

MrsVeryTired · 21/05/2020 11:48

x-posted with @Dillybear
agreed

MrsL1123 · 21/05/2020 11:49

Thanks for all your input I've had lots of tips and ideas and I'm going to work away with them.
Will certainly get her help if that turns out is what she needs.
Thanks again

OP posts:
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