So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

[fluffyjumper]

Could you leave snacks on the side a night that all the children have access to. But they are only allowed those snacks.

[Kalifa]

You know what? Then stop buying biscuits and then there’s nothing to “steal”. Simple.
Have you tried asking her why she needs a night snack? I think she will say because I am still hungry.

[MrsL1123]

Oh my

So everyone else in the house loses out on treats because of one? That's not fair and could cause a huge lot of resentment against her from the other children which I don't want.

Obviously I've asked her, she says she doesn't know she just wants to. I asked if she was hungry, she said no.

[Tonz]

Oh my fucking god.. She has asked her. The kid doesn't know why she does it. If she stops buying biscuits then the 5 kids who don't take more of their share will then have none. Its not really hard to understand. If you read the whole thread Op has had some good advice which she is going to try and you are just going over shit that has already been said pages back. Your not bringing anything new so why bother

[Kalifa]

So she wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen and eat something despite the fact she is not hungry? So what makes a 9 year-old wake up in the night if not genuine hunger? Why isn’t she sleeping through the night then if she is not hungry?

[MrsL1123]

Omg 😂😂 I cant even answer!! Did u read my reply to u further down? I said there could be lots of reasons why and that I don't know why. I'm trying to find that out.
I think your just being deliberately awkward now to get a reaction so I'm not even wasting my time anymore. Thanks for your time @Kalifa, goodbye 👋

[Tonz]

@MrsL1123
Well done you 👍
@Kalifa either read the thread catch up with the rest of us then comment or off you fuckity fuck

[Potatobug]

What does at night mean? 2-3pm?

[MrsL1123]

@Potatobug
2/3 am u mean?
Sometimes then, sometimes about 4/5 there isn't a set time..

[overworkedandstressed]

@Potatobug, away you go. Clearly that's afternoon. At night when everyone else is asleep. Idiots are out in force today I see.
@Tonz off you fuckity fuck love it

[Potatobug]

Sorry, yes I meant to type 2-3am. To me it means she is hungry, sorry.

[overworkedandstressed]

@potatobug my apologies thought you were just being smart

[Potatobug]

overworkedandstressed no worries!

[Tonz]

Not necessarily. I always wake through the night if I need to pee. Sometimes I take a biscuit or crisps back upstairs with me. Not because I'm hungry just because I fancy one

[Ballet1992]

Wow you are getting some huge assumptions on this thread!

First of all it could be a growth spurt and she's therefore hungry in the night. But I would have thought she would have said if she was hungry.

Second it could be testing boundaries. My 8 year old (my eldest) has started helping herself to treats because she wants them. She's not hungry but she's realised there's no one stopping her if I'm not in the kitchen. We've had similar conversations about eating other people's fair share.

Finally it could be a stress response if it only started after lockdown. Lots of people (kids and adults) are struggling and maybe people are overeating as a result.

I'd suspect the second reason given she's waking to use the toilet and then helping herself. She can be greedy and not share because it's 3am and everyone else is asleep.

I'd lock all treats away at night. If she's truly hungry then she'll eat something healthier.

After all, we've all eaten a family sized dairy milk to ourselves when we fancy it! Purely because it tastes good! 😂

[AnnaMagnani]

Hi - I 'stole food' as a child and TBH I still do now only how I do it is different given I'm only 'stealing' from myself.

I've no idea if it was linked to childhood trauma although I do have some - but what I really remember is I just wanted to eat something sweet and figured out a way of doing it, I thought without my parents noticing. Well partly they did and partly they didn't. I was by the end taking spoonfuls of sugar out of the bag.

As an adult I am more of a secret eater in 'what you eat in the car doesn't count'. Except it's blatantly obvious I have a thin DH and he has a fat wife so we can't be eating the same.

What I would say is some of her eating is probably out of her control. Once you have started to eat some sweet carbs, the habit and your gut hormones kick in very quickly if you are susceptible and you may think you are choosing to eat/steal a biscuit but actually your body is just taking you there whether you like it or not.

I have kicked the habit once in my life and it was 1) incredibly hard and 2) shocking to find that when I thought I was choosing what I ate, I wasn't really as my body and hormones were basically saying 'sweet carbs' before the thought entered my brain. I stayed on the wagon for 2 years and then one holiday of waffles and the work was undone.

[NearlyGranny]

Tell her she's special to you and her DF and you're thinking hard about what she needs. Ask her whether she'd like to learn how to make biscuits with you (I have a failsafe easy recipe that's super quick) and let her choose her favourite flavour. Or bake up some healthy oat-based fruit and nut squares - they're super filling. If she had one before bed, she'd probably sleep through until breakfast. Or perhaps she'd like to have some special food treat tucked away in her room ready for night-time snacking?

Tackle the issue together. She might be due a big growth spurt. One of mine seemed to have hollow legs from time to time and would grow a little pod tummy just before she shot up an inch or two. I learned to recognise this and feed her up with healthy stuff.

Bless her, it's not really theft, it's meeting some sort of need she can't really explain.

[rosecreakybex]

I agree it's not okay but I wouldn't use this as an example of stealing. "Sneaking" perhaps... but it's not stealing.

Talk to her gently, explain it's inconsiderate because the food is for everyone and she's taking much more than she needs. Explain the rules and why they're important - health, consideration from others, not spoiling your appetite, teeth etc.

[Chandler12]

“My mum did it with me and I didn’t grow up with any issues around food”

Aside from describing a child eating food from her own house as stealing, and older children still needing permission to eat you mean

You seem quite fixated on treating everyone the same but they aren’t. She’s your step-child, and not even for that long - concessions can be made and really have to be because you aren’t her parent.

Is there a reason why biscuits need to be kept permanently in the house? Growing up we got a treat every Friday, perhaps something like that would lessen the risk and keep everyone else happy too?

If you’re insistent on permission before food could you perhaps relax that a little? Say, unlimited access to fruit and veg to encourage healthy eating?

She may have an underlying reason or she may just want something sweet because she’s a child and that’s what they want. It’s exactly why midget gems etc are marketed towards children.

The big issue seems to be overlooked. I’d be more concerned about the disturbed sleep? Than her being hungry upon awakening. If she goes to bed at say 9 and is waking up at 2/3 am that’s six hours without food it’s not weird she would want to eat then, it’s weird her sleep is being interrupted. I think this is what you need to be addressing. Not being able to sleep through the night is often stress-related and she’s had quite a time.

[MrsL1123]

@Chandler12
Which is what I am addressing!!
Doctor appointment has been made and will take it from there. I don't have a magic wand I can wave to know all the answers to everything, im trying to understand myself, this kind of behaviour is new to me and I'm no expert.
But people seem insistent on repeating the same thing over and over. I'm fully aware now what does and doesn't need to be done thanks to the many helpful messages I did receive on here.
I'm trying my best. Not sure what else I can do. But I refuse to change the rules (cos kids do need rules otherwise they will be out of control which Ive seen first hand personally) and something as small as taking/stealing (whatever u want to call it) food from the house without asking could spiral into something much worse.

[ekidmxcl]

Snacking is fun
It’s most likely as simple as that

My stepmother wouldn’t let my teenage brother get snacks. He no longer sees her.

Don’t make it her abiding memory of you: “I just fancied a bit of a biscuit binge when I was 9 and bored so my step mother took me to the doctor”

[ekidmxcl]

What do you think doctor will do?
Full body scan, life history and blood tests??

[ekidmxcl]

Or worse make her feel like shit over nothing

[Purpleartichoke]

You do not need to take her to the doctor for a completely normal developmental Behavior. Most parents have found food wrappers stuffed under the bed at some point. It’s like being upset with a 3-4 year old for trying out lying. You just explain why the behavior is not ideal and move on.

If you have concerns about fair distribution, then label treats or place each kids treats in bins. Have another section for free eating so you can protect key dinner ingredients.

If she is snacking at night, start by talking with her about how it is healthier to eat before bed so she gets her rest and ask her what bedtime snack would fill her up the best. Then emphasize that if she does snack she has to brush her teeth afterwards.

[Stelmariah]

That poor girl. She has extra snacks in her own house and gets taken to a doctor. Jeez! Does her father know about this?