So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

My dc have their 'own' snack box with some biscuits, sweets, raisins, crisps etc in. I encourage them to make good choices, we have fruit or veg for morning snack but in the afternoon they are allowed to choose their own snack. Sometimes they are more hungry than others but they know that when theirs is gone it is gone until we shop again. We always top it up when we shop so there is no need to panic. They are good at self regulating and rarely overeat. I would be wary of punishing and instead sit with her and ask her how you can work together to stop this happening.

Ffs taking food in your own home isn't stealing! Poor kid, sounds like emotional issues deal with that!

Thank you all for your replies. However the point of this post isn't to discuss and debate on whether or not you agree that it's "stealing" the point of the post is for advice on how to deal with it. I do appreciate everyone's views though and will certainly take most of them on board. We all parent differently and there is no right or wrong way I'm simply just looking for some advice and different ways in how I can deal with the situation.

I don't think you should call it stealing. In our house food belongs to everyone. Money, for instance, is different, and if she was dipping in your purse or her dad's wallet and taking fivers, I'd absolutely call that stealing and come down hard.

But with food by phrasing it as stealing you run the risk of creating some unhealthy ideas around food and control. If you felt a bit hungry late at night, or ditto when you woke up early, would you expect to ask permission from your husband to eat? Then why would you do that with a child?

If it's about making sure everyone gets a 'share' then put treat food such as biscuits away somewhere so it can't be eaten at random, but leave other food (bread, cereal, fruit etc) readily accessible so if your children are hungry outside of the times when you think they should be, they can help themselves.

I wouldn't call eating food in your own house stealing - it's going to be a very emotionally-charged conversation if you equate secretly snacking with theft!

I wouldn't call it stealing either. Have you tried having a chat with her, acknowledging that she gets hungry at night but that it isn't acceptable to take lots of biscuits in the night. Maybe set up a healthy snack plate for her to eat instead if she is hungry.

What would you do if she broke any other rule? I think you should be consistent and do a similar punishment eg no screen time etc. If you think she eats normally at other times anyway. I dont think all kids sneaking biscuits have eating disorders and you know her best so if you dont think its that I would be consistent in how you discipline as I think kids really need consistency at the moment. Nothing too extreme. Maybe also make a rule that if shes hungry at night then she can have toast or fruit but not sweets or biscuits.

Thatbitch that sounds like a great idea, might try that. Will get them all (not just her) to realise that they need to space out the snacks..
hate to think of any of my children going hungry, so I always make sure they have good home cooked meals and a large range of snacks to pick at during the day when they feel hungry. My one rule is they ask first.
I don't think that's a huge deal given that we don't have an endless supply of money or food.

I started overeating and taking food secretly at around that age.

I was very unhappy. You’d never have known though, I put on a good act.

My money is on her comfort eating - you need to get to the bottom of it to avoid life-long patterns forming - I’ve had weight issues since I was around 11 owing to comfort eating.

What does she do with the food once she has it? Does she actually eat it? Or is there a stockpile in her room?

If she broke any other rule (which does happen at times) like all the other children, she would lose her tablet or computer for whatever period of time we decide.

Also for all those saying my hubby should step up, he works full time and is a very hands on father, certainly does his fair share. But if he's at work all day I can't leave the discipline or dealing with any issues to him (when he gets home at night) as surely that would cause issues in seeing the children getting different treatment? And that's something I'm always very consciously made sure not to do.

You using the word stealing implies you're more worried about her taking food that wasn't hers though, than the health implications of that, and the possible reasons behind that (emotional or otherwise). Re reading your op, it does look like your focusing on the wrong issue "My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal".

No this is not stealing. It is a behaviour that is concerning. There is something troubled in this child. Punishment is not the way forward. You have no idea why she is doing this and most likely neither does she

Discipline means leading, not punishing

Your thread title and description of ‘stealing’ are very high octane. I opened the thread expecting to read about shoplifting or taking money.

“My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food”

Are you suggesting she has not been brought up to regard stealing as wrong??

You say all the kids have multiple snacks during the day, do they have to ask? Is that the rule? If they can help themselves, all that is happening is that she is helping herself at night.

However, things are not right.

I am sure you are being a great step mum to her, and she is ‘fine’.

But the truth is however brilliant and fair you are you simply cannot fill the gap left by a mum who limits her contact with her kids by her choice.

That is such a huge void and abandonment in a child’s life.

I think You need to look more empathetically about where she is seeking to have small pieces of control or comfort in her life, and to gain a sense of those things for herself.

6 kids is a lot in a house. She may want something secret, just for her.

She won’t grow into a criminal, and your other kids won‘t start a biscuit frenzy just because she is doing this.

Relax, watch and remain sensitive to her.

Is she actually eating three packs of biscuits in one night? Or is she taking them and then over the course of a week or whatever she’s eating them?

Because that’s a lot. I couldn’t eat that and I’m a fat greedy fucker.

Personally if she’s waking in the night hungry I’d start giving milk and biscuits before bedtime to try and curb it. I’d want to know why she’s taking them - is she hungry? I assume so, waking in the night, but not sure how hungry or for what?

I wouldn’t go crazy. But I’m thinking if one of mine started doing this it would be so out of character I’d be quite worried as to what was making them do it.

Is she putting on weight? if not then her overall diet needs modifying.

I used the word stealing because that's my view on it, whether anyone agrees with that or not. Would be exactly the same if any of the others did that. They have all been taught to ask before they get and that's how it will continue to be.
I hate to think that there is anything underlying making her do this but to be honest I'm not sure there is. Obviously I am not an expert im just a parent trying to do her best, but after 4 children of my own, in a wide range of ages I'd like to think that I at least know what I'm doing a little bit 🙈 don't want to punish her if she's genuinely just hungry but I don't think she is, think it's more that she's taking it because she can. She had no rules with her mother when she lived there and can understand that the adjustment from no rules to rules and routine might be tough and Ive did my very best to try and make that as easy as possible for her. But she's now been living with us full time for a couple of years. Just wanted to see what other people's views were and I've had a wide range of comments made to think about and take on board

It’s not stealing at all. It’s wrong to put in a child’s head that eating food at home without permission is “stealing.” You sound very controlling about food. Why do they have to ask you first before they eat a snack?
I’m one of seven children and my parents were poor. They let us eat whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted as snacks on top of the regular cooked meals. So your large family excuse is not very good one in my eyes.
I agree with PPs that she is comfort eating due to some emotional disturbance. It could be to do with blended family, or even just puberty and not liking the changes her body is going through. Whatever it is, punishment and telling her she is “wrong” is not the way to handle this. She needs you to listen to her and help her.

"Stealing", "disciplining", my husband's dd" (not my step daughter) - it's that sort of language that makes people wonder whether you like her.

If she's not hungry then in does sound like an emotional disorder. So you should be looking for the cause rather than asking how to deal with the 'crime'.

Sounds like an eating disorder not stealing

I also wouldn't call it stealing.

She is young, is it anxiety? Is she thirsty rather than hungry? What is her usual diet like? Does she eat 3 good quality balanced meals each day?

Tested for blood sugars? Eliminated health reasons for this?

What does her father think?

What does she say about why she does it?

Why does she now live with you and her father instead of her mother?

Is she happy to be where she is?

Obviously I am not an expert im just a parent trying to do her best, but after 4 children of my own, in a wide range of ages I'd like to think that I at least know what I'm doing a little bit

She isn't them. Every child is a different person. I really would encourage you to see professional advice and support on this issue.

My husbands daughter and my step daughter is the same thing isn't it? Wasn't aware my choice of word means I don't like her?
As I've already explained I love them all the same and in my eyes them not being my children biologically makes no difference at all to me.
I understand that everyone is trying to pick apart words I've used, but I refused to justify myself anymore. Thank you all very much for your comments I will certainly take them on board and discuss this with my husband, and find a gentle and understanding way to deal with this. For those that have been genuine and gave some good advice thank you very much I really appreciate it.

owever the point of this post isn't to discuss and debate on whether or not you agree that it's "stealing" the point of the post is for advice on how to deal with it

And my advice is that part of dealing with it is to stop using the sort of language you are using.