So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

[Wing1ngit]

I wouldnt regard this as stealing, its more of a cry for help to me. This is how my (half) sisters disordered eating began when we were kids. Taking food upstairs in the night and hiding the wrappers.
My DM and DSis speak about it because she is still in therapy for her disordered eating.

Looking back, parents were very unkind, they didn't realise at the time. DM would be angry, basically shame her in front of everyone and give out extra stuff in front of her that she couldnt have because "she is a thief/greedy". She'd call up friends/relatives within earshot to complain about it etc. This just cemented her into a cycle of emotional eating.

It all stemmed from feeling like she didn't didnt fit in because our dad wasn't her biological father. I don't think our parents spent much quality time with us either, I don't recall them ever playing with us/her. They were around but doing their own thing.

I would get her a diary or a worry monster if she's not too old for that. Talk to her one on one about how she's feeling with open questions, make sure she has an outlet to get out how she feels. Maybe it would be better for her dad to do this if she can be more open with him? Make sure she knows that what she says wont be discussed with others.
I know its hard in lockdown but Id try and find an interest or hobby for her to engage with, that's just for her and isn't based around pleasing you (the cleaning). Find a way that she can receive praise and validation for herself.
Keep a close eye on the kids and make sure there are no bullying/excluding type issues going on.
I really feel for you, having a blended family can be so challenging.

[FourPlasticRings]

Yes she's eating them. She's a very active girl so can't see any noticeable weight gain.

If she's able to eat three whole packs of biscuits a day and not gain weight, that suggests to me a metabolism issue, or simply that she's not getting enough to eat.

[Badassmama]

It’s not stealing. She has disordered eating - which IS an eating disorder.

[MrsL1123]

Thank you I think I will make an appointment with the doctor just to check there is no underlying health issues to rule that out.

[Pleasegodgotosleep]

This is exactly how my severe eating disorxer started. Taking and binging on food it lasted until I was in my 30s and almost ruined my life. This child needs help, not punishment. There is something wrong.

[MrsL1123]

Also just to clarify it's little bags of biscuits like midget gems, cookies.
It's not full size packs of biscuits

[FourPlasticRings]

Ahh, I did wonder. That's not as alarming then!

Maybe see if she fancies a banana and a glass of milk before bed or something?

[ThePlantsitter]

Does she say why she does it?

It's not really the stealing aspect I'd worry about, but the secrecy. She's probably not hungry for food, but she's hungry for something. Does she feel she's not getting her share of something so she's making sure she does in other ways? I'm not saying she isn't actually getting what she needs bit she obviously feels she isn't.

[reginaphalangeeee]

Well that was a misleading thread title! Absolutely ridiculous to describe that as stealing! Unless she's breaking into the neighbour's pantry and eating their biscuits, it's not stealing. Selfish and not thinking of others? Maybe. But there may be a reason for it. I hope when you speak to her about it you're not using the world "stealing".

Having just seen your update about it being little bags of midget gems etc, it might just be she's being a little bit greedy and wanting extra snacks, this is obviously not ok, she has to share with siblings, but I just mean rather than any underlying issues.

[monkeyonthetable]

OP if you want to resolve this I think you need to back track with her very openly and actually say: 'I'm sorry. I made a mistake. When you've been taking biscuits at night I thought you were stealing. But now I know that it isn't stealing, so I'm sorry I accused you. People who eat in secret at night aren't stealing but it is still a problem because it's not very healthy. What do you think? Do you have some ideas why you do it?'

That might sound a bit OTT but as you say, accusations and confrontations clearly haven't worked, so try another approach.

[Allington]

I think you need to stop 'telling' and start listening. It seems to me that biscuits are filling an emotional hole, and until you help her understand that and find healthier ways to deal with her distress she is going to continue with the unhealthy ways. Punishing her is going to add to her distress and shame and make it worse.

Also, any major loss (such as a mother limiting contact) is going to be understood and processed differently at each stage of her development . It won't be 'done and dusted' because she was fine last year. There may be times when she grieves all over again, and times when she shrugs it off.

[Hamm87]

Best punishment would be no treats to she steals them

[dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby]

How about a change of policy? No one needs to ask to snack, then they learn to self-regulate? She's 9 not 3.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Agree dotoall. The asking for permission before a snack is OTT for a 9yr old. It can be tempting to have same rule for all children but in big families, you can’t do that. You have to have age appropriate rules for the older children versus the younger children.
For example a 8pm bedtime is perfectly reasonable for a younger age 6 DC but not for older sibling aged 16.
As eldest of 7, we had three sets of rules for “ 2 big ones” “3 middle ones” and “2 little ones” and as we aged our parents sort of graduated us to next level of rules and freedoms.

[MrsL1123]

I won't be changing that. I have a range of ages as I said and won't have different rules for some and not others. The rules have always been to ask if they want a snack and that's how it will be staying. As I said I don't have an endless supply of money and food. The kids know if their hungry they ask for something to eat and I don't say no unless they've just had something within the last half hour or so. None of them have any problem asking for something.

[CookieMumsters]

What is the change in behaviour that you want to see? Do you want her to wake you up in the early hours to ask for the snack? If so, maybe she needs that clarifying. Or do you just not want her to eat in the middle of the night? You could try upping her portion size, but it sounds like she doesn't actually need the extra food, just that she FEELS hungry. I echo what PP have said about making sure she's drinking enough, does she have easy access to water overnight? Could you talk to her about having a drink first THEN if she still feels hungry what she should do?
I'd also wonder if there is something waking her up, or keeping her awake. You say you've talked to her and told her what she's doing isn't ok, have you had chance to heat how she's feeling about other things?

[QualityFeet]

Well practically give her some snacks of her own and hide the others. I
As a generally keen to please and compliant child this behaviour is anomalous and does speak of trauma - the kind of loss she has experienced will impact on her for years and she will often struggle to articulate how.

[OnlyThenWhen]

OP, you don't have to answer this, but has she had problems with food security in the past? Often, children who have had experience with being hungry can "hoard" food. There are often emotional reasons for it as well.

[ClassicCola]

So they are only small packs of biscuits? I think you are making a big deal out of not much of a problem really.

[user1495884620]

Just a thought, but something else to consider is puberty. There is a good chance that she is on the cusp of puberty, and may, firstly, have changes in appetite and, secondly, may have hormones creating big emotions and affecting her behaviour, especially if she is already affected by lack of contact with her mum.

[Sarahandco]

Yes you should not call it stealing! Kids eat too much for a number of reasons and certainly not always because they are hungry. I don't blame you at all for wanting to put a stop to it but I would be careful as sometimes telling a child they cannot have food can lead to more problems.

[BertiesLanding]

I think you're lying to yourself about your relationship with your DSD; I think @Merryoldgoat is absolutely correct; I think this is not about biscuits at all, but a cry for help in disguise and she is 'stealing' what she cannot get openly.

[BigusBumus]

Sorry you're being victimised OP! So also think it's stealing. She's stealing something for herself that is meant for everyone and it's wrong. Enough of the armchair psychology people, the app asked what can be done about the stealing not to be quizzed by bored women on weather her step daughter has emotional issues ffs.

OP hide the biscuits, crisps, sweets or whatever. We have to as our youngest son also nicks treat food. He admits is mostly laziness as he cba to make himself a sandwich or whatever and grabbing crisps or biscuits is quick and easy. I hide them now at the back of the wine fridge and dish them out as and when they're needed. My boys are all teenagers though and never stop bloody eating.

[MrsL1123]

Thanks for your input everyone.
It's gave me a lot to think about
I'm not going to go on micro-analysing everything
So I think firstly we will make an appointment to check she's ok and healthy.
We will talk to her again and explain that she can't continue to do this and try and see if she will tel us if something is bothering her. She's not one to hold back if she's upset or worried and never usually has any issues telling us. So will see if she opens up. If not I think the worry book is a brilliant idea and will definately be doing that anyway.
Lastly if none of these things help then we will definately think about her getting some help, maybe a counsellor to see if they can help.
Despite what some of you think I genuinely have and always have had all the children's best Interests at heart so i will try my best to make sure their happy and secure. And if there is any worries or problems won't hesitate to deal with it.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I don’t know that I’d get too worked up about my child taking a couple of snack sized packs of biscuits. I see the issues around fairness and everyone not doing it and of course you need to be able to manage your food stocks and budget but it’s not something I’d be punishing or calling stealing. I think a snack box for each child might be a good idea because she knows she’ll get her fair share, and I’d also be asking her what’s making her take them in secret and without asking - especially if that’s a change from her normal behaviour. I know my DD will take food if she’s feeling anxious or insecure, or is worried she won’t get her fair share. Being blaming or using perjorative language doesn’t help at those times because she feels bad and that in turn makes her more anxious which exacerbates the behaviour I want to change.

So while you want advice about dealing with it, thinking about the language you use is part of that because the words you use influence the emotion and motive in how you deal with it.

In short, I’d be giving lots of reassurance, exploring what she thinks about taking food without asking and giving her (and all the children) a quota of snacks for the day. I’d also let her chose (within limits) what goes on her snack box - a balance of fruit, sweet and savoury, so she has some control over what she eats.

I’d also highly recommend looking at therapeutic parenting as suggested above - it’s a firm of parenting which focuses on setting boundaries through building relationship rather than discipline and punishment.