So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

You can't steal food from your own house!

Icansmellburningleaves

I don't like her because I said she's my husbands daughter?? Which she is? Don't see how that shows I don't like her.
What if it was my child that I was posting here about?? Would u still be saying I don't like my own child?
I think those of you that have posted something ridiculous like this is purely to get a reaction. And I'm not going to rise to it. I posted on here expecting support, not to be jumped on and told I don't like my stepdaughter 🙈 never heard something so ridiculous

FYI I began chronic binge-eating as a 9 year old after experiencing parental separation (my mum moved out and we saw her rarely) a new step-mum and step-sister, a new half-brother and a major move to a new county within a few years.

I didn't dare take food from the house as my new step-mother (like you) had extremely rigid ideas about food being controlled, we had to ask for everything, were pulled up if we accidentally used something that was 'hers' e.g. her particular cereal or jam.

So I really 'stole' - I took spare change wherever I found it lying around to buy sweets, I spent all my dinner money on sweets and snacks to the point the school raised it as an issue with my parents (I got a bollocking). I sold my things to school friends so I had money for sweets.

The feelings of insecurity were never properly addressed, only the 'crime' of stealing/misspending on food and the consequent crime of getting overweight was ever addressed. So the problem persisted. I still binge eat and hide food and doubt that I am loved and safe to this day, as a grown adult. Conversely, my full sibling developed a restricted eating disorder which she also attributes to the stress of our upbringing.

This is not a simple 'child being naughty' issue you can wipe up and forget about, no matter how much you might wish to.

I was a tiny little thing at that age and was always ravenously hungry.
I took food and stole money to get food.
My mum always cooked and I had three good meals a day, I was still hungry.
I have no answer for you but I was a size 8 until I had my third child and am a 12 now so it doesn’t automatically mean she has an eating disorder or will gain a huge amount of weight.
I like the idea of her own snack pack and maybe permission to eat unlimited fruit.
I would look at upping her protein intake as well as that will fill her quicker and for longer

Why not get all the children together and say, ‘there are 12 packs of mini cookies, so that’s 2 each’ then they are allowed to eat their 2 packs whenever they like.

No don't shame her by punishing her. Her issue with binges needs to be taking seriously. Lots of good advice on the thread.

I’d like to add I think she is so lucky to have someone who’s cares about her so much.

Thank you Cameron
The snack baskets is a great idea and one I'm definately going to be doing
Thank you so much. I really do care about her very much 💕 which is why I've got so defensive about the ridiculous posts saying I don't like her! 🙈

If your husband woke in the middle of the night hungry and made himself something would you accuse him of stealing

Tonz

No I wouldn't because he is an adult! children need rules and I will continue to follow those rules regardless of how much u try and convince me I'm wrong. That is one thing I won't be changing.
It's not healthy or normal for a child to get into to habit of waking in the night for food. And agree with previous posters that this is probably something she is going to need help with. Which is exactly what we are going to do for her.

FWIW I see nothing in your posts that say you don't like her,or are not doing your very best for her
Its very strange times,I am normally careful what I eat but not at the moment,its stress ,I know it is X

I wasn't going to post again but you have updated twice demonstrating your seemingly inflexible approach and apparent desire to control your family members' access to food : 'Taking something without asking is stealing and that's that.'....'Yes the food is for everyone to eat but not without asking. And that's always has and always will be a rule here'.
(Another Paraphrase from earlier):...'they know I won't say no unless they have had something within the last half hour'

It seems YABU to me. A 9-15 year old will always have to ask for a snack....surely not? If it really is financial reasons for feeling the need to control so strictly, then I accept that is difficult to deal with but I suppose then allocating everyone their own snacks which they choose (as others have suggested) so they regulate their own access would be better (although nowhere near ideal as it emphasises food as a 'precious' resource too much) than you regulating everything. To avoid eating disorders people need to self-regulate their own intake I would have thought and food needs not to be such 'an issue' in general.

Ideally you would have various foods in the house and everyone of say school age would be free to access as they wished....within reason...but without having to ask permission first. You only intervene if absolutely necessary.
It would be interesting to know if your parents also used this controlling approach in your childhood?

So you’re a wicked stepmother. Poor kid. Do you have to ask for food? “Please, DP, May I have some more?”

The DD isn't just taking food from her own house - it's treat food so she's taking it away from her siblings if she's eating 3/4 bags a night. When I was shopping and cooking for my four DSCs I'd buy enough to see us through till the next shop plus a bit extra, if someone had been eating 3 or 4 extra items per day I'd have been screwed. And indeed I did come a cropper a few times in the early days e.g. when I'd go to give DSCs dessert and find there weren't enough to go round because someone had sneaked a few in secret.

As for just buying more - a) they'd simply have taken it as carte blanche to eat even more and leave me in the same position and b) I physically didn't have enough fridge, freezer or cupboard space to overstock for 6 people and c) it's extra expense I could do without!

OP I would go with the individual treat boxes idea, stock them well and lock away any extra sugary or fatty snacks. You don't even need to tell the DC you've locked stuff away as they won't need to ask you for those kind of snacks anymore as they'll have their own treat boxes.

Oh dear 😂😂😂 this is getting ridiculous now 🙈
Yes I also had the same rules growing up. I have no eating disorders and no issues with food.

I'm not trying to convince you of anything. I just think if you are hungry you have to eat regardless whether you are an adult or a child. Maybe toast isn't filling her enough to see her through the night. What works for one child may not work for another some kids just need fore food than others

I think she has an eating disorder to be honest.
A pack of biscuits will usually have 1200-1800 calories in - that's a days worth of calories. If she's stealing and eating what you've said (and, as you've said, she's getting sufficient food during the day) then she'll either be overweight or she'll be binge-purging.

This sounds very similar to what I have which is an emotional attachment to food. Food = Love. Food makes me happy. It could be that she's sadder for some reason - perhaps lockdown, perhaps hormones, perhaps something else and this kicks in at night and she feels that she needs the endorphine rush from food to feel happy. Exercise also releases the same endorphine rush so maybe she's exercise less during lockdown and this has caused this shift? Try increasing her exercise and see if that changes.
I'd also recommend portioning out how many biscuits she's allowed and if she eats them all at once then that's on her. Then she can't have any more or anyone else's until the next shop. It's difficult to understand that something is "stealing" when it's communal food. If she knows she's to have none of something (or that those specific biscuits belong to other people) then it's easier to understand.

Probably best you leave the thread now OP, it’s going down the rabbit hole 😂😂😂

So you’re a wicked stepmother. Poor kid. Do you have to ask for food? “Please, DP, May I have some more?”

In fairness to the OP, this was the rule in my family. There were 5 of us, and my parents had a very strict budget. Most of the time there were no snacks in the house anyway, but if we were hungry we would have to ask "Can I have some toast/crisps/an apple?" because the budget really was down to a loaf of bread- if we ate what was allocated for our packed lunch the next day, there would be nothing left to go in the lunchboxes.
Maybe my parents shouldn't have had 5 children, yes, but they did. And they did the best they could to keep us all fed. There just wasn't really much left over for unplanned meals/snacks, although we didn't really go hungry.

How are the snacks divided normally? DS and I often used to hide a pack of our favourite biscuits because our brothers would finish them and whenever we complained to mum it was always ‘boys will be boys’. If there’s a similar dynamic amongst the siblings she might not he overeating them at all.

Yes I'm the wicked stepmother clearly 🙄

My husband doesn't wake in the night for food though? I don't and neither does any of the other children. If it does happen to be an eating disorder then we will deal with that with her best interests at heart.
But I won't normalise waking in the night for food as think if anything that could cause an eating disorder 🙈

So you’re a wicked stepmother. Poor kid. Do you have to ask for food? “Please, DP, May I have some more?”

This is about the logistics of making sure there's enough food and treats in the house for everyone, especially relevant during lockdown where we're supposed to be keeping shopping trips to a minimum. How many threads do we see from posters complaining that their DH or DP has finished all the milk or eaten all the ham for lunch and everyone agrees that they're being selfish? This little girl clearly has emotional issues that need addressing with kindness but not allowing free access to all food all the time is hardly wicked.

I may have missed it but has she said why she gets up, she must be waking up for a reason hungry thirsty needs the toilet bad dream, That's what you need to find out first. what have you said she can eat if she wakes hungry in the night instead of unhealthy snacks could you leave her a sandwich plated in the fridge. Have you asked her to wake you to ask first. Punishment is only really an option if she's doing it after all these options, punishing anyone for eating in their home when they are hungry is not the healthy option. Avoid trigger words theft, stealing, greed, fattening. Oh and finally the because she can excuse doesn't really add up because she can't you've repeatedly told her she can't so if she's doing it to be naughty then you need to find out why

I started sneaking food for comfort and then making myself sick when I was 8 as a way of dealing with 1) my self perception of how I looked and 2) anxiety following the unexpected and early death of my grandma and my dad having a nervous breakdown.

It sounds like she is using the biscuits and eating as a coping method. Please be kind.

Yes Cameron I think I should.
Honestly 🤯 Never seen nothing like it..