So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

@Stelmariah but this seems to be a very regular occurrence rather then a one off because she felt like it. If there is a medical reason that should be eliminated first before looking for further reasons

Cannot win whatever I do.
Get advised on here to seek medical advice to rule out anything underlying, I do that and now I'm overreacting 🙄😂

I think snack jars for each kid could work

I've also done the snack boxes the last two days seems to be working well so far 🤞

I have a background in working with children who have had traumatic experiences.
In lockdown, we are in a terribly stressful situation, her normal school routine has evaporated, to add to the trauma she has already suffered (from her her birth mum essentially abandoning her)It might be the 'straw that has broken the camels back'. Eating disorders can involve over/comfort eating as well as under eating. It can be an emotional crutch.
I would be another voice to say seek counselling, it could help prevent much heartache for you and her.
It isn't a reflection on you that she needs counselling, it's a reflection on what happened before she came to you.
Also, I would imagine that the issues around her mum will affect her more as she gets older.
If you google ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) I think this would give some good insight .

Thanks so much I'll go and google that now, will do anything to help her

@MrsL1123 glad to hear the snack boxes are working out

I think we all wish your SD well and hope it's not something underlying that is trauma based. We can all agree to disagree if we do or do not think the word stealing is the correct term. At the end of the day, that's not the point. There are not going to be criminal sanctions. Just support to understand why it is happening. I would suggest very few of us know what it is like to run a house with 6 children in it so the family routines and rules are not for us to comment on as they are all done in the best interests. BUT, we have been introduced to the term 'snack control' which is worth 12 pages of reading for that alone. I am looking to improve my own snack control over the next week.

Thank you @ClareBlue some sense after all that nonsense 😂😂

You asked for advice about stealing. Most agree it's not stealing per se. I remember stealing food purely as I liked the cookies and mum wouldn't give loads out. I was a similar age. My mum found out after I'd done it loads of times. She just asked me please don't eat them all otherwise I'll have to keep them elsewhere, they arnt good for your teeth. I agreed and that was that. My mum had bigger fish to fry with my severely autistic sister.

Our rule was that the only food that could be taken at any time was fruit, so no one went hungry and the goodies were shared evenly, could that work?

Get advised on here to seek medical advice to rule out anything underlying, I do that and now I'm overreacting

To be fair, I advised that when I thought she was choffing down 3 whole packs of digestives a night and not gaining weight. Once it became clear that you meant little snack packs I did say that wasn't as alarming.

Oh also - I forgot to add one of the things we did as 'punishment' is I guess logical consequences. DD pinched a bag of cooking chocolate once and ate half of it. So the consequence was that when I took it back and made chocolate brownies she missed out because she had already had her share.

Thanks so much for those who have been supportive.
Means a lot. I overthink everything and worry about decisions I make constantly so to hear some people understand and that also does things my way, makes me feel so much better.

OP, not agreeing with you is not the same as not being supportive.

I think that the advice to check out your Dsd’s health would not have been the same had you not said ‘packets of biscuits’ which people took as whole full sized packs.

I also happen to disagree that stealing and biscuits are at the crux of this issue for a child from a chaotic early start, living in a large family. And I think it more important to pay more attention to her emotional state than supposed potentially criminal future.

I do agree that children need boundaries, rules and consistency. I think you can provide that without punishing fragile children.

And I wish you all well.

Ok thanks for that.
I'm fully aware people don't have to agree with me and that's fine. But the rude replies I have got on here making assumptions and judgments aren't fair.
We are dealing with her issues now. And will continue to

OP by making a big deal of it you're fostering a negative relationship with food for a child.

If her weight is ok and you can afford the food what's the issue? Some kids have more of an appetite and sweet tooth than others.

My mother was the food police in my house and it sounds like something she would do. The girl isn't stealing. You're wording it in a way that shames her.

Safe to say I grew up to have an eating disorder and no contact with my mother.

MrsL you sound like a lovely step mum

I have no answers for you but as someone who has had therapy for disordered eating very careful of the language you use, we’re all guilty of it.

Food should be food eaten in sensible quantities.
We all attach emotions to it iyswim?
Having a “treat” “stealing” “bad food” etc etc.
If SD feels it’s something bad/should feel ashamed/ guilty it can the become secretive eating.

I’m not saying this is the case just something to think of

Thank you @ChestyNut
I would never ever say things like that to her, I'm always very conscious and gentle with the way I word things.
Love them both very much and of course want do my best for them just like with my own children..

@MrsL1123 it’s obvious you love them very much from your posts