So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

[DysonFury]

Sorry not RTFT but my experience is that lack of attention and affection coupled with quite hideous parenting, disinterest, neglect, led to me stealing all sorts until I hit 17 years old.
I've also got BPD and the lack of self control to make good decisions, teamed with binge eating issues, bulimia and depression and anxiety. Just thought you might benefit from my insight.

[PeggySueOooOo]

Could puberty or a growth spurt be making her extra hungry? Perhaps offer her supper as well as her 3 meals a day. She could genuinely be hungry. Maybe a slice of toast just before bed would do the trick.

[MrsL1123]

Iwalkinmyclothing

What kind of language??😂😂

Stepdaughter/my husbands daughter is exactly the same thing.
Disciplining- that is what I do for ALL the children when they misbehave or play up
Stealing- imo taking something without asking is stealing. Whether it's food, money or from a shop

I refuse to accept that "my launguage" is the reason for what's happening!!

Again for those helpful replies thank you again. I appreciate you taking the time to comment :)
For the unhelpful ones I'm not the evil stepmother u seem to think..the opposite in fact.

[MrsL1123]

Dysonfury
Sorry to hear that..thanks for your input, I will certainly try my best to deal with this correctly and to save any future issues

[BlueSuffragette]

OP you sound like you really care about your young step daughter. She has had a tough time. Being in limited contact with her mum must be so hard emotionally for her. She sounds like she is eating for comfort. However you could discuss it with GP to check blood sugars to make sure she is not pre/ diabetic. Also consider giving her a scap book/ journal for her to express her feelings through words or art. Sometimes children can't or don't want to open up when talking to a step/ parent. Perhaps that way she can gave another outlet and you can seek support for her when lockdown lifts. Watch out for her other potential cries for help.

[YinMnBlue]

OP: pp here have told you how they felt as children.

No one is saying this is your fault. You are clearly committed to giving all your children the best.

But you are not a magician. However much a great mum you are (and I honestly don’t doubt that) you can’t magic away her early years or the loss of her Mum without a trace.

It almost certainly is not about hunger, or biscuits.

If you punish or withhold the biscuits, she may look for something else.

Including self harm.

[MrsL1123]

Peggysue

I do always give them toast and fruit, with hot chocolate or milk before bed. Will maybe try increasing the bed time snack though as would hate to think she's genuinely hungry.

[1099]

Going against the general opinion and agree that stealing is the correct term here, but also it doesn't really matter either way, what matters is she is 9, easily old enough to understand that in the house the rule is 'ask first' the fact that she sneaks down during times when she hopes no one will be around indicates that she understands this.
However there is clearly something else going on, in a family of 6 kids where is she, somewhere in the middle maybe, not the oldest but not the youngest?
When you say both you and her father have spoken to her regards this, was this privately one to one, is it possible this personal attention is fulfilling an unconscious desire, by continuing to do this she gets a bit of private time with a parent. Just a question, how often does she feel special, I know you say you try to treat all the kids equally but that's not the same as feeling special, I'm from a family of 5 kids and it's important to feel there's something you do which the others don't.

[FourPlasticRings]

It's an interesting distinction, between husband's daughter and stepdaughter. Everyone I know with stepkids just refers to them as daughters/sons in conversation outside of the family.

I do think the whole ask before you snack thing may be one of those things your kids roll their eyes over when they're adults. But agree with PP, there will be a reason for the behaviour. What's a bag of biscuits? Do you mean like those midget gems things or whole packets of digestives?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

How can eating food in your own home be called stealing.

I think this is a very upset little girl who has a mother who sounds like she doesn’t want to know about her.

She sounds like she needs sympathy and therapy not to be accused of stealing and sneaking and having her “wrongdoings” explained to her

Maybe look at the language that you use around her.
What is the difference between someone going into the kitchen and someone sneaking into the kitchen?

If you are worried about biscuits being eaten then stop buying biscuits or hide them.

It sounds like she is the only girl without a mother in the house so I would start at that point to either get her more involved with her mother or help her come to terms with the fact her mother isn’t interested

[MrsL1123]

Thank you to the last two posters

I don't doubt that she's hurting from the situation with her mother, must be tough for her and I have made extra effort to make sure her life is consistent and with a good routine and this has certainly helped her happiness as it's something she didn't have when with her mother.
I'm not the bad guy here I'm just genuinely trying to find a way to deal with it.
This has really just started since lockdown so could be a case of missing school or her friends as she's always been one who reacts well to a good routine and now that routine has changed.

[CarelessSquid07A]

I stole food from home cupboards at that age. It was my way of exerting control over my life and food was one if the few things I could do that with. Now looking back I see it as stealing but at the time I just wanted to feel better and unhealthy food was good at doing that but it also came with a lot of guilt.

Is it a lockdown thing? Perhaps with the world such a scary place right now she feels the need to comfort herself in the best way she knows.

I was confronted and I must admit I just got better at stealing the food. Has she got a non parent family member shes close to who could approach it with her from a different perspective?

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Goodness, what a reaction. Is this how you usually respond to not being fully agreed with?

Again, think about the words you are using- and I mean think, not have a tantrum about being criticised and invent an accusation that hasn't been made .

And then go and get some actual advice and support, ideally without being so ridiculously defensive and inflexible.

[Neolara]

What does she do with the biscuits? Eat the all? Eat a few? Share them? Hoarde them? What's the payoff for taking them? Are there other, more acceptable ways for her to get what she wants / needs. This would give you a better idea of how to deal with it.

[vanillandhoney]

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here.

But I also think it's important to think about your language - stealing is a very harsh word for what's actually happening here. Lots of 9yo's don't have to ask permission to have a snack - maybe she doesn't feel comfortable asking you during the day and takes them at night? Or maybe it's more complex than that, who knows.

I think you need to talk to her dad and get her dad to speak to her - I don't really think this is a conversation that should come from her step-mum. Regardless of how close you might be, some things are down to the parents to deal with.

[MrsL1123]

1099

I have a range of different things I do with each child one to one to make them feel like their special depending on their interests. She's a very loving and helpful little girl so out of all the children she's the one who follows me around the house while I'm doing housework. She loves to help so give her her own list of little jobs to help me with. She gets rewarded for this with treats, teddies (she loves teddies) so always make sure I reward her good and helpful behaviour.

[Floofboopsnootandbork]

my husband's dd" (not my step daughter)

A poster here a few weeks ago got attacked for calling her husbands children her stepchildren. Seems like you can’t win.

[MrsL1123]

Iwalkinmyclothing

I'm not about to get into a debate with you. So thanks for your time and your comments. My intention wasn't to come on here and argue. We have very different views and that's ok, not everyone agrees.
Thanks for your input all the same.

[feelingsomewhatlost]

hi OP, I used to do this a lot as a child, from about the age of 9 just like your daughter. I always got told off for it but really struggled to stop and it turned into a whole cycle of secret/emotional eating that never really stopped – I like someone else's suggestion of a snack box, if she knows the food is there and she's allowed to eat it then maybe she won't feel the need to keep eating? I know that stealing isn't great but I don't think that punishment is necessarily the right way to go. Good luck.

[FourPlasticRings]

What do you do with her for fun? So, not chores.

[MrsL1123]

For fun we make bracelets. Which she loves to do also. I don't make her do chores she wants to, and asks to. I'm only one person. I have 6 children here on my own it really isn't possible as much as I would like to spend one on one with each of them for hours a day. But I do try my best.

[Nanny0gg]

Is she eating them? Is she noticeably bigger than she was? Any growth spurt?

[monkeyonthetable]

Why do you think of it as stealing? Of all the things to call it, stealing is a very revealing term. That's a crime.
Is it a crime to eat food in your home? Is it normal for a child's food to be provided, free of charge by the adults responsible for them?
I'd be more concerned that it is emotional comfort eating and that she is upset by something. For a daughter to choose not to live with her birth mother if they are in contact suggests something is up with the mother and I'd guess that might be part f the issue, even if she isn't aware of it.

I'd talk with her about it, but without blame and certainly not calling it stealing. Just say you notice that she's been taking bags of biscuits up to her room at night and ask if she feels hungry or more like she's craving a sugary treat. explain the difference between the two and tell her that all that sugar isn't good for her teeth or her health (don't mention weight) Ask if she'd like you to help her put together some healthier midnight snacks on a plate to take upstairs and help her choose two or three things. (This really is just a trick to ensure she doesn't feel shame for comfort eating. Once it's out in the open, she will probably grow out of it.)

[MrsL1123]

Nannyogg

Yes she's eating them. She's a very active girl so can't see any noticeable weight gain.

[zingally]

Punishing someone for stealing/taking food does NOT sit with me at all well, from a mental health/child welfare standpoint. Please don't do that. I do a lot of work with "at risk" kids, and those in care, and food is tied up a WHOLE load of emotional baggage.

You say she gets 3 good meals a day, plus snacks. But 9 is getting to that hormonal growth spurt age, where their appetite is increasing. How long as the food taking been going on for? Is it a new thing?

Whatever is behind this, punishing her will get you exactly nowhere, and will only store up problems for the future. My sister was a food taker/hoarder in her teens and still struggles massively with her relationship with food. She was punished for taking it as well.
In his later years, my dad admitted also being a food taker in his teens, and he had a lifetime of food issues also.

You need to dig a little deeper into what is causing this. Genuine hunger? Greed? A cry for attention?