So..how do I deal with stealing. Aibu to punish for it

[MrsL1123]

So we have a large family (6 children) 2 adults.
My kids have all been brought up knowing it's wrong to steal,
Repeatedly my husbands daughter thinks it's acceptable to go into the kitchen at night and steal food. And when I say steal food I mean she's taking 3/4 bags of biscuits at a time. She's 9. I'm fully aware that taking food from the house isn't a huge crime however I don't want
Her thinking that this is ok. So how do I deal with it? I've tried speaking to her, tried explaining to her it's wrong as she's been caught many times. So how do I stop it happening? Do I punish her for it? Or what is everyone's thoughts? If all 6 children was to be allowed to do this then there would be no food left!
And before anyone starts it's not because she's not getting enough food in the day as all my kids all get 3 balanced meals a day plus multiple snacks throughout the day..and no one else feels the need to sneak into the kitchen at night and early morning to take food.

Ignore the step mother haters, OP.

They have their own bitter and twisted agenda. Sad little lives.

I understand tonz and respect that's the way you do things and that's fine, I have no judgment on how u parent, just like there shouldn't be judgment from others on how I parent.
No one is perfect and we are all just trying our best shouldn't be penalised by closed minded people who can't see that in the world there is more than just their views and ways of doing things.

Big bowl porridge with raisins can be a cheap filling supper. Iv seen some emotions journals. Perhaps encourage her to write in that if she wakes or perhaps something to listen to an audio book on.

For what it's worth @MrsL1123 my mum had the same rules as you do and I've grown up perfectly fine with no food issues whatsoever because I had to ask for a biscuit.

Thank you bigusbumus
Appreciate the support
Your exactly right no one knows me or my situation and I would never judge someone as a person, or how much they love their stepchildren or children based on a few posts on a site. I was looking for support and advice (which I did get from some and appreciate it) not judgment.

@MrsL1123
The porridge idea is a good one it's very filling. I have porridge for breakfast and it keeps me going until I get a break at work which is usually late on in the afternoon

Its obviously just greediness, for a while just stop buying buiscuits.

Do you think it could be hormonal/period cravings? I know she's 9 but they start early these days

Could b hormonal will keep an eye on that actually did think it was a bit young for that but like u say it's possible

As for the porridge that's a good idea, thanks. will try her with some before bed tonight and see how it goes..

MrsL1123

My son did this for a bit at about that age. We don't have treats in the house normally, so maybe it was the novelty?? I never put it down to my parenting, insatiable hunger, or anything deeply psychological. He was just being greedy and thoughtless! We tried a lot of things, including making him go without the next day because he's already helped himself.

However, the only thing that worked was a fair share after dinner and then hiding the treats.

After a while, we found we could leave them out overnight again. Then we praised his self-control to the heavens! Not sure what changed...He seemed to have developed self-control in other areas like schoolwork, etc. about the same time. Maturity?
Good luck!

*Go without treats, not regular meals/snacks

OK woah. So her mother HAS kept her three other children with her? But got rid of these two?

Not got rid.
It was for the children's best interests that they came to live with us. Was my husbands decision, don't want to go into it any more than that
Will add though both children are very happy to be living with us

I used to “steal” biscuits and sweet stuff at night

My mum was outraged when she caught me, but I never stopped

My parents were very controlling about food, we were allowed 1 biscuit a day and healthy snacks like fruit or a raw carrot, potato or onion (it was the 70s)

I just craved sugar, it being forbidden made me obsessed

I only grew out of it in my 20s

Lucky I never got fat

But yeah, it was a reaction to my parents being very controlling about our food intake and never allowing coke or a mars bar or sugary crap

Sugar was addictive to me (but now it’s not)

OK woah. So her mother HAS kept her three other children with her? But got rid of these two?

Hardly "got rid of". They are with their father. The reasons are not our business.

I’m shocked at the people saying it’s just being greedy, several posted have said this is how their own eating disorders started and it’s being brushed off.
I started like this, looks and acted like everything was fine but ended up with a bad relationship with food. She’s had a lot of change she can’t control, eating disorders is a control thing not just a weight issue. I’d go gently with this one.

OP tell her off! Its discipline that's needed not a fucking counsellor. OMG. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Nobody has anyway of knowing this.
However it would seem more likely on the balance of probabilities that there is some emotional comfort aspect to this eating.
I wouldn't allow my dc to eat snacks in the middle of the night but I would be seeking to understand what was behind it before launching into discipline.

So her mother HAS kept her three other children with her? But got rid of these two

Which ever way you look at this it is completely f**ked up.

Yes her and her sister are with their father and his new family
It doesn’t really matter how badly she was being treated by her mother somewhere under all this is the fact that a choice was made and her own mother chose the other 3 children rather than her
That for some reason her mother prefers the other 3 to her.

That must do some real damage

Yes and I'm fully aware there would be issues somewhere down the line, of course there is going to be. I can't change her mother's behaviour but I can make sure while she's living with us she's cared for and loved like a child should be.

I'm really unhappy with people calling it greediness and also with you calling it stealing. Eating is such an emotional thing. It doesn't sound as though she's eating just to deprive others. It obviously brings her some level of comfort. She's 9 years old - could she be entering puberty and her hormones are playing up? It must be devastating for a child to live without their mum - I'm sure she loves you, OP, but for her own mother to reject her... Even if this isn't what she's doing on a conscious level, it can't be ignored.

While you sound really caring and looking after her best interests she may be missing her mum. Kids tend to gloss over the bad stuff when it comes to parents. Following you around doing housework may be because she's afraid you will reject her too. She may just need reassurance that you will always be there for her. There could be so many reasons for her nighttime eating I think you have a job on your hands to pinpoint exactly what it is. You sound very capable of doing just that though so good luck I really hope you get there. Being a stepmum can't be easy but you sound up to the job.

@MrsL1123, I feel your pain as I have had years of this with my (adopted) daughter, who clearly has issues related to her very poor start in life. There’s a myriad of complicated reasons why my DD feels compelled to ‘liberate’ (mainly sugary) snacks from our kitchen cupboards, gorge on them in secret/private and then conceal the evidence/wrappers in THE most unfeasible places.

As someone with a healthy relationship with food, it drives me absolutely crazy and has probably cost me three teeth (all now crowned) through excessive grinding clenching, because the alternative would be Mount Vesuvius erupting through my skull.

In my rational moments, I can accept that many people have an emotional relationship with food (you only have to read the weight loss threads here), that many children lack any impulse control (there are interesting scientific experiments you can Google, I think one may be called the ‘marshmallow’ test, and that all behaviour is communication. So, when my DD gorges to the extreme (and I find a tonne of wrappers behind the wardrobe, say) that there is something untoward going on in her life, be it school stress, alpha girl woes or puberty- related hormones.

The best advice I have ever been given is to load a Tupperware box with treats at the beginning of the week, explain that is the child’s allowance until xxx day, and it’s up to them if they eat the contents in one go or eke them out, but no more will be given. (And then lock the rest of your treat/snack foods away in your car or somewhere else the culprit cannot gain access to them, because some people literally cannot help themselves and have no self control).

Are you PTWM?

Just to throw another experience into the mix, when I was about 11 I started walking up in the middle of the night absolutely ravenous and needing food. My parents would shout at me for having a sausage roll, yoghurt, piece of bread etc but I was legitimately famished. To this day, age 31, I still wake up in the middle of every night needing to eat something or I can't go back to sleep. Historically, humans used to get up in the middle of the night and would sleep in two stretches.

Eating food in your own home is not stealing. You say you upped her good portion size but if she is eating it all she may still be hungry. Could you not let the children dish up their own meal. That way if she is hungry she would just take more evening meal. I make mashed potatoes and put in large dish with spoon everyone helps themselves, the same with vegetables and meat is cut up and put on s meat plate. Again everyone helps themselves. Why would you think every child would want to eat the same amount of every meal? One son loves carrots and always takes loads, he is not very keen on broccoli and so takes none or one small piece. One son loves roast potatoes and will take 5 or 6 that is his choice.

If you are really upset about your step daughter eating biscuits don't buy any. Then she won't take them. Eating food is not stealing and if you tell her she is a thief because she gets hungry you will damage her self esteem.

You do not say if step daughter is obese? If she is not let her have more food. She might be finding lockdown really hard as Nd missing her friends.

I would not feel very comfortable if I had to get permission every time I wanted to eat.

My two D's stopped going to see their Dad as his new partner made them feel uncomfortable going into fridge and getting food or drink whilst they were visiting for day. Before their Dad got new partner they saw his house as their house too and would get snacks when they wanted them. After new partner made a point of making them ask for a drink or snack they stopped going and preferred to meet him in town without new partner.

What you say to step daughter today could have lasting effect on relationship.

A child eating biscuits from their own cupboard is not stealing.

If treats need to be shared with lots of kids then divvy them up into portions and put their names on the bags.

Also make sure there are always acceptable snacks available.